Teh ponderings of an imbecile
My head hurts. So bad. I've been stressing too much. Over lots of things. I lie awake in my bed when i'm supposed to be going to sleep thinking about the future. Wondering what it has in store for me. What I should be doing in my life by now. A job. Car. Friends. Not sitting at home by myself, wishing I hadn't graduated highschool. Wishing I had failed, or that I was younger, or hundreds of other possiblities.
You know, I think about what I want to do with my life everyday. You know what my answer is? Its that I dont know. I dont know what I want to do for the rest of my life. Is that bad? Is it bad that i'm almost 20 and I dont know what I want to do?
Sometimes I think it is, and sometimes I think it isn't. Sometimes I think that knowing what I want to do is right in my grasp, then I lose it. I lose whatever it is I wanted to do. It's like that for everything. Say...playing the guitar. You know I borrowed my sisters guitar? The one she never played? Well I was really pumped up to play it, to learn how to play it. 'Cause lets face it. All I knew how to play before was pretty much nothing, and I can hardly remember that now. I bugged her about it for a day or two, and she finally said yes. Well I get it over here, and I mess with it for two days. Two days! I've lost interest in it. Its the same with everything. I want something so bad, or want to do something, and when I get it/do it I dont want it/to anymore. Isn't that fickle?
I want.. I want to do something I love. I want to make the people who are important to me proud of me. I feel i've been letting those people down. People I know who are younger than me are passing me by. Doing the things I want to be doing. Working, going to college, whatever. I want to be doing those things, but thats just for the moment. This desire to make everythign around me good will only last for a short time. I'll lose it again. Always will. Everyday I wake up and say "Today is going to be different. I'm going to go outside, maybe skateboard." or "Today I'm going to look for a jorb."
Never happens. I don't. I know the reason, and I don't know the reason. Complicated huh? Well maybe not for some, but for me it is. I make excuses on why I cant do such and such. Bah, I make excuses for alot of things.
The reason?
I'm afraid to grow up.
You know, I think about what I want to do with my life everyday. You know what my answer is? Its that I dont know. I dont know what I want to do for the rest of my life. Is that bad? Is it bad that i'm almost 20 and I dont know what I want to do?
Sometimes I think it is, and sometimes I think it isn't. Sometimes I think that knowing what I want to do is right in my grasp, then I lose it. I lose whatever it is I wanted to do. It's like that for everything. Say...playing the guitar. You know I borrowed my sisters guitar? The one she never played? Well I was really pumped up to play it, to learn how to play it. 'Cause lets face it. All I knew how to play before was pretty much nothing, and I can hardly remember that now. I bugged her about it for a day or two, and she finally said yes. Well I get it over here, and I mess with it for two days. Two days! I've lost interest in it. Its the same with everything. I want something so bad, or want to do something, and when I get it/do it I dont want it/to anymore. Isn't that fickle?
I want.. I want to do something I love. I want to make the people who are important to me proud of me. I feel i've been letting those people down. People I know who are younger than me are passing me by. Doing the things I want to be doing. Working, going to college, whatever. I want to be doing those things, but thats just for the moment. This desire to make everythign around me good will only last for a short time. I'll lose it again. Always will. Everyday I wake up and say "Today is going to be different. I'm going to go outside, maybe skateboard." or "Today I'm going to look for a jorb."
Never happens. I don't. I know the reason, and I don't know the reason. Complicated huh? Well maybe not for some, but for me it is. I make excuses on why I cant do such and such. Bah, I make excuses for alot of things.
The reason?
I'm afraid to grow up.