Ok... We Won't Leave It There.
Reading one of my last journal entries… April 2008. It’s funny how we get so caught in a moment though at the time everything I said felt right, felt real… but hindsight is an amazing thing and allows us to look back at these snap shots of our life and think wow was I wrong!!
See I believed one only had 2 loves in there life… over the years I began to realise this was either true or it wasn’t… finding myself in love again made me re think the whole thing… X will always be my first real true love… who he was, who I thought he was, who he was than but not who he is now… Maybe. One thing I was right about was X and I would never be together again… That officially ended in 2008. We’ll get back to that…
I want to make it clear now as if you read that entry, you’re going to have some questions… I realise now that I wasn’t in love with B… I think I would have liked to be at the time and I thought I was but sometimes when you’re in a situation you can’t see the bigger picture… it was an infatuation turn fatal attraction. Now I can say one can never be in love but perhaps love their own way someone who physically and mentally abused you because you stop being YOU! When you become something just to make someone happy and lose yourself, lose your friends… when they are all you have that’s not love… they control you but you can’t see that because you’re like a robot whose aim is to please…
Sometimes a blessing appears to be a curse because 6 or 7 months after I wrote that post my entire life changed… 7 months before I wrote that post I really believed my life was over because I’d been living in a bubble thoughts of if this doesn’t work well… that’s it… I survived those 7 months… I don’t know where X and I stood at the time I wrote that but I know he wouldn’t have been around even if we were “together” as I’d not thought that way… I’d have been in bliss filled ignorance about how happy we would be…
So rambling right all you want to know is what the hell happened after April that changed everything… A.
We’d had a minor bleep of an introduction earlier maybe the year before I can’t be sure I just remember looking at the photo… the Frank Watkin’s look alike who’d taken time to message ME… Fucking message ME!! OMFG… Hot not the word… but you know… things went quiet… a lot of fucked up shit happened and in November 2008 I got a message that would change my life forever… That Frank Watkin’s look a like was BACK… Messaging ME OMG ME!! Always thinking it must be too good to be true but feeling caught in a moment just willing to see where it might go… what started as a breeze turned into a hurricane…
A… My life now. Married, literally living the dream… 16 years of bliss, 12 years of marriage. No need to wonder about that second love…. Maybe the first love is a tester… everything in between is practice and love #2 is forever… We said it in our vows… for eternity. Etched on our rings “forever more” because this is our fairy tale.
I don’t know who is reading this… maybe no one is, maybe no one ever will… but maybe I’ll come back someday and tell you how sometimes the darkest time in your life is just the dawn to a new beginning… it’s always darkest before the light… Just remember that.