A year...
Just a couple of weeks short of a year, since I last had any contact with muvver, it's a relief to be frank. I don't want any contact with her either.
Sometimes, it's like she's died, she's gone.
Sometimes, when I drive past her home I look up and think of her, but I have no desire to go up and see her.
I don't care about her needs, medical or practical anymore, all the things I used to take care of for her. Lisa is too ill to do them too. I know Bob has ferried her to some medical appointments, it's the time of year she has to deal with some annual French bureaucracy for dad's pension, I used to do that too.
I wonder how I'll feel when she's dead? I think about the practicalities, sometimes I can't imagine myself at her funeral.
Lisa's illness is not improving, her chemo schedule is changing and she says she's not in pain which is good, but Bob says she's lost weight and some of her hair. I chat with her online occasionally but don't feel my presence is welcome. Elizabeth is now not talking to me either.
I haven't heard from anyone else in my family.
I was supposed to be in Palestine next month, that wont happen now.
I've been really pushing myself with meetings, activism, online traing and demos and volunteering in London. I'm doing my utmost to support the Palestinian people in their fight for justice. But it's taking an emotional and mental toll, it's so traumatic to witness, but at the same time, I cannot look away, they deserve acknowledgement of their pain, their horror and murder.
I'm furious with Keir Starmer and the Labour party for prolonging this slaughter, it's obscene.
Therapy is going ok, past halfway now, I'm mostly calm, getting to resolution stage. Of course could all go tits up if Lisa or muvver drop dead, which is a possibility with their health, it's a strange feeling that I will lose everyone, but it's not my choice.
I'm having a bit of a flare up, my right leg is on a go slow and I've had a fall, cut and bruised my hip. Doofs fault.
I also scratched the side of my car on Friday 13th, was trying to get through a gap. My fault, I was tired.
Had my flu jab yesterday, made me feel wiped out.