Fic: My Own Personal Play Thing

[demi_rabbit]

Title: My Own Personal Play Thing
Rating: M
Genre: Romance and Angst
Pairings or Characters: KyouKao, onesides bouts of TamKyou and HikaKao, and slight TamaHaruHika
Warnings: Yaoi, self destructive behavior, and mentions of public sex.
Summary: In which two children play a very destructive game, without reading the proper rules.
Author's Notes:

Comments

my my, aren't we in an angsty mood....*hearts*

[ceile_chan]

Angst, angst. Personally, I believe it is really the most important of the Fangirl Food Groups (tm). Without angst, the smut can only get *so* hot, ne?

*wee* So another lovely one shot. I think this one-shot has a ton of potential to turn into something bigger, demi-chan. I really respond well to the theme of substitution for the Kyouya x Kaoru pairing. It works well with their dynamic, and makes it very believable. I think you managed to capture the frustration of K&K well in this without specifically calling it that. They way the encounter is described points to that fact very well: the element of hiding which can relate to not only the physical relationship, but to why it started in the first place. Well done.

From a writing perspective, I thought the mood was very appropriate, and my angst-o-meter responded accordingly. Especially your final paragraph; you have a talent for *gah* endings and I think that is perfect for one-shot writing. My only "critique" really, if you could even call it that, is the parenthetical stuff. I'm just being Your Picky Nee-san Who Was an English Major on that, though. It's just one of those things. I won't just say that without giving you a reason for it though so...here's my editing mode for today. haha:

The ideas you expressed in those parenthetical statements are very good. But, I *know* that a writer of your talent can find a better way to weave them into the story. For a reader, seeing the parenthesis kind of gives a mental impression that it's *extra*, and, therefore not as important, or is an afterthought. The content of what's in the parenthesis here is definitely too important! At least for me, when I see parenthesis, it kind of disrupts the rhythm and pacing a little for me. Your stories are well-paced, and I think you could eliminate all the parenthetical "thoughts" in this one-shot by using a few transitional or explanatory phrases.

Either that, or you could take a stylistic approach, as in, stopping your paragraph, putting the parenthetical thought as it's *own* paragraph, even if it's only a sentence. Just a suggestion. Sometimes one-sentence paragraphs deliver a TON of impact to the reader. In this story, the parenthetical stuff is SO important, and I think using the parenthesis almost minimizes the importance of what you wrote. I think if you put them out there to stand on their own as paragraphs, it will make a big impact for the reader, and give the emphasis to their content that, I think, you're going for. Just think about that, and take it or leave it! :)

Anyway, editing rant over!

I really enjoy your one-shots for this fandom, and I think you have a real talent for them. I see a lot of potential in your writing in general; you tackle very mature themes and you weave them well. I could envision this one-shot being easily included in an expanded version, an exploration of the theme of substitution, frustration, a touch of anger, and maybe even helplessness. It's its own compliment to you as a writer that I ended up wanting *moar* but, I think I'd love to see an expanded version of your take on this scenario at some point. Maybe you will revisit it and add a dramatic "confrontation" moment that you will have to resolve? I think that could work *really* well in the context of this fic!

Okay...back to my own stuffs! *and strong coffee*

Thanks for sharing another wonderful Ouran one-shot. Whenever I look at FFnet and see all the badfic out there, I'm always happy to see kygirl with an update, because I always know there's a nice, enjoyable giftie in it ahead for me!

*hearts*

~Nee-san

Re: my my, aren't we in an angsty mood....*hearts*

[demi_rabbit]

Grah!!! -spazzes over length of comment- 8DD I'm really happy you liked it, and I agree, I wish I had turned this into something more/longer/more developed - the whole 'i'm-just-using-you' theme is quite popular with KyouKao, I've found, and although I originally swore I would never write it, I can see why it's done! The Angsty!sex is always much better~

Hmmm...I took a couple of your pointers (now one of the parenthesis has become it's own paragraph, with little endashes leading down to it, and the other has also been endashed! Still, I'm glad that the few speed bumps in the paragraphing form didn't throw off the angst-o-meter, and thanks for the pointers! xDD Not only does the fic look longer now, but it flows a little better~

I've considered expanding this fiction - originally, it started with this cryptical scene where the dialogue fires back in forth, all about 'who's yours?' with Kyouya not quite getting it, and then when everything clicks (with Kaoru's not-so-subtle 'You can call me Tamaki...'), everything gets uncomfortable - but that eventually leads to the sexing, if I know my mental plottings....xD But that one was also going to end happily, and I just didn't have the motivation for that one to get written in one night to make the deadline xDD

Yay strong coffee!!! 8DD

Ignore the badfic! Join me in my goal to take over half the FF.net archive with quality KyouKao fluff/smut/angst/ BABIES!! <33

-catches hearts- -eats them- <333

~Demi

Re: my my, aren't we in an angsty mood....*hearts*

[ceile_chan]

It was a subtle adjustment you made, and it makes a big difference in the mind of the reader. Glad I could give you a little nudge of encouragement. Writing isn't just about the words, but how the words form an experience for the reader. I'm very conscious of that, of how the rhythm of the words resonates in my mind, how I can write so that the story flows and creates a somewhat musical feel for my readers. You do this well already, and little adjustments like these are stylistic tools that can be used to magnify the effect of your words.

Great job!!!

(and yes, I do ignore the Ouran badfic *cringes*)

luvya,

~Nee-san

(hope you enjoyed the chaps I sent heh. I'll pay more attention to that project after the holidays.)