Deprogramming...
I am going through something. I also note that the month of March is always one of introspection for me as many of my life's events are rooted in that month, I note also my one year moving anniversary, difficult to believe I have been back in the 'hood for an entire year already...
I seem to have stopped writing like this for awhile, but these days I am emotionally charged and full of theory. My sensory feels somewhat distorted and I am aware of the smaller things in deeper and more meaningful ways, and with a new desire to understand my surroundings. Without a doubt, school has rendered me wiser and more capable, and simultaneously, I am bursting with energies from the inside.
I am not a child anymore but I sometimes feel I may never fully deprogram myself of messages that damaged me throughout my childhood, teenage years, early adulthood, and that continue to to this day. For this, I dafault to blaming my mother who I feel has destroyed her own life and those of her children and it has taken me at least this long to a)stop judging myself in terms of moral ideals that have no basis in my own reality and b)emotionally distance myself without regret.
Seemingly tragic, but my story is inspired as I have relieved myself of so much responsibility and pain. My mother has been an alcoholic for most of her life and has not been any source of support for me or my siblings. Although my path has been successful, I feel that I have already spoiled it by my mother's standards in terms of "mistakes" I made in the past that are never ever spoken of, such as my choices to have children and to get married. I do not see these as mistakes, but I do know that these minor descrepancies in perspective are the reason that I will never be the daughter that my mother really wanted; I rejected the Matrix. Having said that, I feel blessed because I think the universe has bestowed me a special gift... in that I am handed situations that I might be capable of managing...obstacles that I may truly be equipped to traverse, and it is with great responsibility and I am doing what I can with my experience, as a parent, student, professional... analogizing the Matrix as the system that oppresses us can help us to heal and to work toward change; I am doing things with a conscience every day towards really drinking in my surroundings and applying myself through pragmatic and truly beneficial means...
I seem to have stopped writing like this for awhile, but these days I am emotionally charged and full of theory. My sensory feels somewhat distorted and I am aware of the smaller things in deeper and more meaningful ways, and with a new desire to understand my surroundings. Without a doubt, school has rendered me wiser and more capable, and simultaneously, I am bursting with energies from the inside.
I am not a child anymore but I sometimes feel I may never fully deprogram myself of messages that damaged me throughout my childhood, teenage years, early adulthood, and that continue to to this day. For this, I dafault to blaming my mother who I feel has destroyed her own life and those of her children and it has taken me at least this long to a)stop judging myself in terms of moral ideals that have no basis in my own reality and b)emotionally distance myself without regret.
Seemingly tragic, but my story is inspired as I have relieved myself of so much responsibility and pain. My mother has been an alcoholic for most of her life and has not been any source of support for me or my siblings. Although my path has been successful, I feel that I have already spoiled it by my mother's standards in terms of "mistakes" I made in the past that are never ever spoken of, such as my choices to have children and to get married. I do not see these as mistakes, but I do know that these minor descrepancies in perspective are the reason that I will never be the daughter that my mother really wanted; I rejected the Matrix. Having said that, I feel blessed because I think the universe has bestowed me a special gift... in that I am handed situations that I might be capable of managing...obstacles that I may truly be equipped to traverse, and it is with great responsibility and I am doing what I can with my experience, as a parent, student, professional... analogizing the Matrix as the system that oppresses us can help us to heal and to work toward change; I am doing things with a conscience every day towards really drinking in my surroundings and applying myself through pragmatic and truly beneficial means...