was it worth it?
I barely just started school, but I'm already getting negative vibes here in this place. I miss Philippines already... I miss my friends, most especially. We had talks during orientation about 1st-months depressions, homesickness and culture shock...though, I didn't really pay attention to them, I never thought I'd be feeling their effects hit me so quick.
I really wouldn't want to be pessimistic or anything but everytime someone asks me how I am settling in my College, while they themselves are talking about what an awesome fun their having, I really can't help feeling jealous, because I would love to be in their place even just for a day to get rid of this weird burden that's been accumulating on my back lately.
Being filipino in a school that barely has any filipinos; whose international student population is about 92% hispanic, and already knows each other to begin with; I can't help but feel that I'm almost always left out. The majority (americans), seem to have this thing against international students, wherein they stare at you in a very uncomfortable way, and even talk shit (even when you're actually sitting next to them) about people that they barely even know just coz their different. Its like there's a natural wall that's built in between americans and internationals here in this college.
kinda funny... now that i think about it. I'm not really the perky type that would take the initiative to go around and meet people. Usually, I'd mind my own business and just talk to people I know, but i knew that the instances were different and i had to try somehow... after all i didn't wanna become a loner and shit, so early in my college life.
so there i was...acting like a typical ASIAN kid (sarcastic) with my food and shit and sat with a group of people (locals) and started "interacting" (if you could call it interact) with them... and after 20 mins of cold shoulders, "yeah's", "okay's", "sure's"..i was pretty damned ignored if you'd ask me.
The setup here is the typical US school movie setting, cliques here and there... this table is reserved for this team, and that is this team's, that one is for that team, that one's for the dance...and every other table is pretty much free-for-all, meaning whichever group gets there first. And you get THE STARE if you come late and fit in to a table with a free space.
I had the misfortune of sitting by mistake on a table that was supposedly used by the girl's hockey team during dinner. When they said nothing with me sitting down for dinner, I just continued eating...when another player from the team came and sort of motioned to me then to her teammates (kinda saying like: what's he doing here?) and the girl sitting next to me was like, "Well, these Asian freshmen don't even know which table to sit on, this is the girls hockey team table..."
Yeah, she said that aloud, while sitting next to me...with no other international student in that table but me...as if I hadn't heard anything nor understood anything. yup, that pretty much made my day.
3 weeks already...nothing has changed people remain cold towards one another. The other international kids have their own thing going on. Its a relief that i can bond with them once in a while but its still not right... Its not enough...
this really sucks... i mean i wasn't cream of the crop during highschool, but i wasn't a lowlife loner who was treated like i had disease... but right now that's what they are making me feel. and it really sucks...and i wish i could just have my old life back...
i miss the "inner circle/Bros", the "outer-circle", i miss natsuko-chan too.. SKYPE's worth to me right now is actually more than gold...just hearing people seems like a relief to me.
Onee-sama (ate) is so far away, i can't tell her anything. there's no one to talk to here..about things that really matter. and petty annoyances such as these really build up on me
all of a sudden, bearing and dealing with my abnoxious, meddlesome and overprotective father everyday seems like paradise compared to this. i was advised by my mom to get away from the Philippines so i can have a better life away from my dad, but this was not what i expected.
I really wouldn't want to be pessimistic or anything but everytime someone asks me how I am settling in my College, while they themselves are talking about what an awesome fun their having, I really can't help feeling jealous, because I would love to be in their place even just for a day to get rid of this weird burden that's been accumulating on my back lately.
Being filipino in a school that barely has any filipinos; whose international student population is about 92% hispanic, and already knows each other to begin with; I can't help but feel that I'm almost always left out. The majority (americans), seem to have this thing against international students, wherein they stare at you in a very uncomfortable way, and even talk shit (even when you're actually sitting next to them) about people that they barely even know just coz their different. Its like there's a natural wall that's built in between americans and internationals here in this college.
kinda funny... now that i think about it. I'm not really the perky type that would take the initiative to go around and meet people. Usually, I'd mind my own business and just talk to people I know, but i knew that the instances were different and i had to try somehow... after all i didn't wanna become a loner and shit, so early in my college life.
so there i was...acting like a typical ASIAN kid (sarcastic) with my food and shit and sat with a group of people (locals) and started "interacting" (if you could call it interact) with them... and after 20 mins of cold shoulders, "yeah's", "okay's", "sure's"..i was pretty damned ignored if you'd ask me.
The setup here is the typical US school movie setting, cliques here and there... this table is reserved for this team, and that is this team's, that one is for that team, that one's for the dance...and every other table is pretty much free-for-all, meaning whichever group gets there first. And you get THE STARE if you come late and fit in to a table with a free space.
I had the misfortune of sitting by mistake on a table that was supposedly used by the girl's hockey team during dinner. When they said nothing with me sitting down for dinner, I just continued eating...when another player from the team came and sort of motioned to me then to her teammates (kinda saying like: what's he doing here?) and the girl sitting next to me was like, "Well, these Asian freshmen don't even know which table to sit on, this is the girls hockey team table..."
Yeah, she said that aloud, while sitting next to me...with no other international student in that table but me...as if I hadn't heard anything nor understood anything. yup, that pretty much made my day.
3 weeks already...nothing has changed people remain cold towards one another. The other international kids have their own thing going on. Its a relief that i can bond with them once in a while but its still not right... Its not enough...
this really sucks... i mean i wasn't cream of the crop during highschool, but i wasn't a lowlife loner who was treated like i had disease... but right now that's what they are making me feel. and it really sucks...and i wish i could just have my old life back...
i miss the "inner circle/Bros", the "outer-circle", i miss natsuko-chan too.. SKYPE's worth to me right now is actually more than gold...just hearing people seems like a relief to me.
Onee-sama (ate) is so far away, i can't tell her anything. there's no one to talk to here..about things that really matter. and petty annoyances such as these really build up on me
all of a sudden, bearing and dealing with my abnoxious, meddlesome and overprotective father everyday seems like paradise compared to this. i was advised by my mom to get away from the Philippines so i can have a better life away from my dad, but this was not what i expected.