wtf happened?
I don't get why she doesn't like talking to me anymore. Did I change? Did she change? Did I do something wrong that I don't know of? I just... don't understand. And when I get upset I constantly want to tell her to just never talk to me again if that's what she wants, just to spite her or to get it across that this upsets me greatly. But I don't because that's not really what I want. I'd like to say that if she keeps this up I'll no longer be there, but that's not true. I'll always be here, because I want to be here. Even if she doesn't talk to me for a year I'll be here waiting for her to say something. I don't know if that's pathetic or just nice of me. It's more like... I've known you for 10 years and I don't see it as acceptable to just throw it out a window like that. And because I see her as family and you don't just abandon family. And probably because I just can't let go.
I don't know what's worse. Feeling like we drifted apart or having a falling out that causes us to despise one another. Oddly enough, I'd rather it be that last one. At least if we had a falling out I could make sense of it all, and it would be easier to deal with if I hated her.
I just don't know anything anymore and I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter. But the reason I never bring any of this up to her when I ~make her~ talk to me is cause I'm terrified she'll get angry and stop talking to me all together, or will flat out tell me that she just doesn't value my friendship anymore. So I just put up with it all. Apparently I'd rather sit in the dark and wonder than have it all be thrown in my face. When I'm in the dark I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel. If I tell her all this, I'm afraid that light will be shut out.
I don't know what's worse. Feeling like we drifted apart or having a falling out that causes us to despise one another. Oddly enough, I'd rather it be that last one. At least if we had a falling out I could make sense of it all, and it would be easier to deal with if I hated her.
I just don't know anything anymore and I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter. But the reason I never bring any of this up to her when I ~make her~ talk to me is cause I'm terrified she'll get angry and stop talking to me all together, or will flat out tell me that she just doesn't value my friendship anymore. So I just put up with it all. Apparently I'd rather sit in the dark and wonder than have it all be thrown in my face. When I'm in the dark I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel. If I tell her all this, I'm afraid that light will be shut out.