Solving For The Mathematical Value Of "Hella"
Recently at work we have been having a discussion occasionally about what exact number "Hella" is. This started when Gary commented "Man, I've opened Hella boxes today." to which I asked "How many is that?" starting our conversation in a much more intellectual direction than we usually go. At first we thought that we had a very solid answer in "3" because you could say that 3 tigers is "hella tigers". The proof of this can be seen through the following examples: A man is walking down the street and is attacked by a tiger, later he says "I was attacked by a tiger". That same man could be walking down the street and be attacked by 2 tigers, later he says "I was attacked by a couple of tigers." Also, that same man could be walking down the street and be attacked by 3 tigers, when telling people what happened he would almost certainly say "I was attacked by hella tigers." Now some might say that while 2 tigers is "a couple" that would mean that 3 tigers would be "a few", but if you really think about it, 3 tigers is hella tigers. However the proof of "3=Hella" was quickly disproved with the comment, "But what about ants? If you were attacked by three ants you wouldn't say 'I was attacked by hella ants!'."<-(overuse of punctuation) So we had to re-think our hypothesis. We immediately stated the equation as "Hella is equal to or greater than 3" as that covered our original equation while still making room for things such as ants. However at work on Sunday we once and for all came up with a solution that while not giving a direct numerical value to "Hella" at least gives a quantified amount that you can directly figure out. While working Gary mentioned "Hella" again and I immediately said "Oh, more than three?" and we laughed. Our supervisor, Alison, asked us what we meant and we explained that Hella is equal to or greater than 3, and she said "What if someone's face is Hella fucked-up? Where do you call that? I mean, like if they have two big warts on their face that would be hella fucked-up, but it's less than three" and I came up with a similar example in "If there's one asteroid screaming toward the Earth destined to crash into it and destroy all life that's bad, but if there's two Earth destroying asteroids that's hella asteroids." So it seemed that we would never find a mathematical value for hella, but then I thought about it and discovered what was missing the whole time. If there's one tiger that might be acceptable because it might have gotten out of The Zoo or The Tiger Store, and if there are two tigers, well, then they're trying to raise a family, but you wouldn't expect Three Tigers. Thus, the quantity of Hella is any number that is unexpected. If you are missing a nose, that's unfortunate, if you're missing a nose and an eye, that's messed up, but if you're missing a nose, missing an eye and have a big wart on your face: That's hella messed up. And, once again the rule of three is shown to have at least some truth in it. Upon discovery of this truth I told Alison and Gary and they both agree with me. So, scientific community and mathematical community rest assured that you have nothing to worry about this day as the mathematical question of the ages has been answered: Hella, while having no true numerical value, IS the lowest number of something at which that quantity is no longer merely surprising, but actually becomes unexpected. Thoughts anyone?