:/
so i got the mother of all phone calls today. i really hate these phone calls. but they call over and over until i pick up so i just did. this time the number wasnt blocked. anyway the last few calls i got turned out to be not so fictional, so i was stupid enough to listen again this time. they told me some stuff which also turns out is not so fictional. so i fought the urge to bang my head against the wall, and just sat there and thought about how utterly naive and stupid i must be...
i dun wanna talk about it in detail. i dun wanna mention names, cos i dun like talking shit about people or starting drama. i dun even wanna think about it anymore. im just letting it go. i guess i just wanted to get it out somehow cos its really upsetting. why? cos someone tells you things and you want to believe them and you care a lot about them. then it turns out this person who you thought the world of, and was like a best friend or more, that you never ever wanted to lose... you never really knew them in the first place. and i dun even understand why.
i try so hard never to hurt anyone or wrong anyone, even people im not completely fond of. i give as much of myself to people i feel close to, as i can. i really adored this person, and felt like they were someone i hoped i would always somehow be very close to. there are a lot of things about this person i still love and think make them wonderful. but i guess this person is very different from me after all, though it really didnt seem that way before.
i dun hate them. im not mad. thats not me. but i do feel sorry for them. not being honest with people who are close to you is not as much lieing to them, as it is lieing to yourself. if i could ever say anything that is really real about life, its that you should never lie to yourself. you should live and be who you want to be. and not hide things you feel or are from people. if people judge you then fuck them, you dun need them. they never cared about you in the first place. and the people who really care will be the ones you grow close to, being who you really are. when i learned that growing up, things were much simpler. except when you get close to people who dun share these points of view. then things seem to get confusing and messy again. too many people walk away from people who choose to never open up or be and act who they really are. its sad to think of someone i cared about, being alone and not knowing someone they can be or are really close to.
i really feel like i lost my best friend again (well not to a far move like the last 3 times). i cant ask people to be something they arent... and i dun think i ever do cos i really dun want to. but i do know there is something good inside of every person... and i really hope this person can someday be who they are and not just what they feel the person they are with at the moment wants them to be. i feel like loneliness comes out of that way of living. i hope its not the case. but as for me im fine. im over it. cos really its not something i think i could have helped. i want people to be themselves and make their own decisions. but i also always wish people are themselves, for them and for others. why would someone not want that, i dun understand. but like i said im naive...
maybe if everyone took a deep breathe and thought about who they are and want to be, they could be more honest with themselves and others. maybe some people dun want to cos they really dun care to have anyone close to them. that makes me really sad.
well thats it i guess. i didnt want to talk to anyone really, but i wanted to get my thoughts out somehow before i walked away from all this hurt and confusion. it hurts to lose or think you never had someone you thought the world of. someone who was really like a best friend or better. someone who you had fun with and made you feel close to them in nice ways. things i think most people feel good about in life. then its no more. all you can do is sigh and wonder why but theres no answer.
i hope i somehow never let you down. i hope i somehow never hurt you or made you feel you couldnt be who you are. or that i would judge you. if so, then maybe i didnt let you know the real person i am inside either... in which case i failed you as a friend...
im going to go lay down now. maybe i can sleep and when i wake up yue-san and keroberos will help me capture cards. blah im such a silly girl. i need to grow up.
im glad i knew what i did of you. the parts i did really know i always loved...
i dun wanna talk about it in detail. i dun wanna mention names, cos i dun like talking shit about people or starting drama. i dun even wanna think about it anymore. im just letting it go. i guess i just wanted to get it out somehow cos its really upsetting. why? cos someone tells you things and you want to believe them and you care a lot about them. then it turns out this person who you thought the world of, and was like a best friend or more, that you never ever wanted to lose... you never really knew them in the first place. and i dun even understand why.
i try so hard never to hurt anyone or wrong anyone, even people im not completely fond of. i give as much of myself to people i feel close to, as i can. i really adored this person, and felt like they were someone i hoped i would always somehow be very close to. there are a lot of things about this person i still love and think make them wonderful. but i guess this person is very different from me after all, though it really didnt seem that way before.
i dun hate them. im not mad. thats not me. but i do feel sorry for them. not being honest with people who are close to you is not as much lieing to them, as it is lieing to yourself. if i could ever say anything that is really real about life, its that you should never lie to yourself. you should live and be who you want to be. and not hide things you feel or are from people. if people judge you then fuck them, you dun need them. they never cared about you in the first place. and the people who really care will be the ones you grow close to, being who you really are. when i learned that growing up, things were much simpler. except when you get close to people who dun share these points of view. then things seem to get confusing and messy again. too many people walk away from people who choose to never open up or be and act who they really are. its sad to think of someone i cared about, being alone and not knowing someone they can be or are really close to.
i really feel like i lost my best friend again (well not to a far move like the last 3 times). i cant ask people to be something they arent... and i dun think i ever do cos i really dun want to. but i do know there is something good inside of every person... and i really hope this person can someday be who they are and not just what they feel the person they are with at the moment wants them to be. i feel like loneliness comes out of that way of living. i hope its not the case. but as for me im fine. im over it. cos really its not something i think i could have helped. i want people to be themselves and make their own decisions. but i also always wish people are themselves, for them and for others. why would someone not want that, i dun understand. but like i said im naive...
maybe if everyone took a deep breathe and thought about who they are and want to be, they could be more honest with themselves and others. maybe some people dun want to cos they really dun care to have anyone close to them. that makes me really sad.
well thats it i guess. i didnt want to talk to anyone really, but i wanted to get my thoughts out somehow before i walked away from all this hurt and confusion. it hurts to lose or think you never had someone you thought the world of. someone who was really like a best friend or better. someone who you had fun with and made you feel close to them in nice ways. things i think most people feel good about in life. then its no more. all you can do is sigh and wonder why but theres no answer.
i hope i somehow never let you down. i hope i somehow never hurt you or made you feel you couldnt be who you are. or that i would judge you. if so, then maybe i didnt let you know the real person i am inside either... in which case i failed you as a friend...
im going to go lay down now. maybe i can sleep and when i wake up yue-san and keroberos will help me capture cards. blah im such a silly girl. i need to grow up.
im glad i knew what i did of you. the parts i did really know i always loved...