(no subject)
haven't posted in awhile...
alot of fucked up things and situations have been happening... and i've been lost in this rather unusual state of confusion...i know i've changed...in some ways i've become a better person.....but in some ways not....i could have used better judgement on some of the positions i've been getting myself in....i could have stopped myself,ya know? i really could have...but i chose not to...i knew it would turn out like this...confusion...hopelessness....i know i'll eventually get over shit and move on...but right now it hurts...i've lost alot of my loved ones...yet i've gained a few more that are earning my trust as the days go by...i want my old life back....i was content then...i dont really know how to describe my feelings toward my life now...there's too many words that can be used...and i would probably confuse myself even more...alot is happening...and it's gettind really hard to bear with nobody here to help me out...maybe this is just one of those life lessons that i'm learning at an early age? i've learnt alot of my life lessons at an early age....alot...i dont know what caused me to grow up so fast... i needed a childhood... i suppressed all of my childish needs and wants for reasons long forgotten... and now that little girl inside of me is crying out...begging to be loved... begging to be released from all the pain... i honestly don't remember anything about my past that could have led to this...it's led me to the point where i'm afraid to show my true identity...if people see who i really am... would they still call me "friend"? would the smiles stop? would the acceptance into their world be demolished? maybe i'm just over-reacting.... i wish i knew why i'm so scared... nobody knows the real me...nobody knows who i am behind the mask...behind the fake smiles and laughter... i don't know if i can fake it anymore...i wish i could just fall asleep...and sleep for eternity...be lost in my dreams where i can be myself...where acceptance isn't a worry...*sigh*
alot of fucked up things and situations have been happening... and i've been lost in this rather unusual state of confusion...i know i've changed...in some ways i've become a better person.....but in some ways not....i could have used better judgement on some of the positions i've been getting myself in....i could have stopped myself,ya know? i really could have...but i chose not to...i knew it would turn out like this...confusion...hopelessness....i know i'll eventually get over shit and move on...but right now it hurts...i've lost alot of my loved ones...yet i've gained a few more that are earning my trust as the days go by...i want my old life back....i was content then...i dont really know how to describe my feelings toward my life now...there's too many words that can be used...and i would probably confuse myself even more...alot is happening...and it's gettind really hard to bear with nobody here to help me out...maybe this is just one of those life lessons that i'm learning at an early age? i've learnt alot of my life lessons at an early age....alot...i dont know what caused me to grow up so fast... i needed a childhood... i suppressed all of my childish needs and wants for reasons long forgotten... and now that little girl inside of me is crying out...begging to be loved... begging to be released from all the pain... i honestly don't remember anything about my past that could have led to this...it's led me to the point where i'm afraid to show my true identity...if people see who i really am... would they still call me "friend"? would the smiles stop? would the acceptance into their world be demolished? maybe i'm just over-reacting.... i wish i knew why i'm so scared... nobody knows the real me...nobody knows who i am behind the mask...behind the fake smiles and laughter... i don't know if i can fake it anymore...i wish i could just fall asleep...and sleep for eternity...be lost in my dreams where i can be myself...where acceptance isn't a worry...*sigh*