Explanation of Masculinity
I feel strange pulls from everywhere on my life, I'm feeling a lot more positive energy than I have before and I'm feeling better than I ever have before. Talking on the phone last night with Walter I let him know that I feel so much better, I feel able to breathe, to think, to sleep better, to not worry so much, not feel insecure, to be me, to love me, and just let everything else simply go... Because
In all my years of being young, naive, caring and so damn giving I honestly never expected so much rejection and oppression inside of the homosexual community. Maybe from the images presented on television I expected to have four or five really cool friends (if not most people) that I could go out with chill with and everything else. Even though this was the case in middle school, going from limited audtioning to get in to "anyone can come" also known as public school, it has totally been getting worse and worse off. I never knew really what the whole community and issues were about anyway. But now that I know somedays I wake up and it's like "How stoopid are some people?" I mean someone explain to me what is the definition of a man literally? Dictionary.com states
man n. pl. men (mn) - An adult male human.
So what exactly is all this talk about I want a man, a real man, this, that and the other? I am not caught up in the whole masculine rush so much that I miss out on genuinely good people in life. I don't discriminate love. I may though choose not to be in the company of someone because of their actions but if I meet someone off the bat I at least give them a chance to maybe become a possible friend. You can learn something from everyone.
I feel that's one of the things that definitely brought down the last "relationship". I'm not changing my image for anyone, I love the person I am. Love is so many things beyond discriminatory. And when I look at these finger snapping, gum popping, switching, s curl textured, slurry speeched "Queens" (as we so often call them) I say to myself "okay, I'm really not that bad. What is the real deal with this?" I don't care to watch football, basketball, to keep up with the latest rappers/videos, wear my clothes XXL when I wear L, baggy clothing. That's not me. Sometimes I just like to wear my jeans the correct size, wear my screen print tee small, lace up my dirty chucks, and blast my Brandy "Never Say Never" while I'm speeding home. I am in love and embrace all the things that make me "maculine" such as being born with a penis, no breasts, and testosterone. I am love with all things that I define as being "feminine": my sensitivity, my caring nature, my love for people, and my heart. I love the blend, the mesh of everything in my life. The fact of just living free and not worrying about being masculine or being good enough for someone. I think that's a sad life to live and I see so many African American males deal with that struggle everyday. In high school I was taunted as being saddity and a pretty boy (oops did i mention conceited) and now in the real world I'm not masculine enough. Sometimes it makes me laugh because I used to give in and just say "okay...im feminine...my voice could be deeper...i could not wear the chucks today and go for something else...is this shirt giving the wrong impression?"
But now I'm free and can breathe because I'm in love with me. If I wanna go to school in my small tee, fitted jeans, high knee socks or dickie shorts, white tee, and some chucks then that's me. I don't feel the need to be categorized, or explain my masculinity to anyone. And next time...trust me I won't.
So that's what confuses me when I see/hear "I want a man"... Now I just shake my head and laugh...
In all my years of being young, naive, caring and so damn giving I honestly never expected so much rejection and oppression inside of the homosexual community. Maybe from the images presented on television I expected to have four or five really cool friends (if not most people) that I could go out with chill with and everything else. Even though this was the case in middle school, going from limited audtioning to get in to "anyone can come" also known as public school, it has totally been getting worse and worse off. I never knew really what the whole community and issues were about anyway. But now that I know somedays I wake up and it's like "How stoopid are some people?" I mean someone explain to me what is the definition of a man literally? Dictionary.com states
man n. pl. men (mn) - An adult male human.
So what exactly is all this talk about I want a man, a real man, this, that and the other? I am not caught up in the whole masculine rush so much that I miss out on genuinely good people in life. I don't discriminate love. I may though choose not to be in the company of someone because of their actions but if I meet someone off the bat I at least give them a chance to maybe become a possible friend. You can learn something from everyone.
I feel that's one of the things that definitely brought down the last "relationship". I'm not changing my image for anyone, I love the person I am. Love is so many things beyond discriminatory. And when I look at these finger snapping, gum popping, switching, s curl textured, slurry speeched "Queens" (as we so often call them) I say to myself "okay, I'm really not that bad. What is the real deal with this?" I don't care to watch football, basketball, to keep up with the latest rappers/videos, wear my clothes XXL when I wear L, baggy clothing. That's not me. Sometimes I just like to wear my jeans the correct size, wear my screen print tee small, lace up my dirty chucks, and blast my Brandy "Never Say Never" while I'm speeding home. I am in love and embrace all the things that make me "maculine" such as being born with a penis, no breasts, and testosterone. I am love with all things that I define as being "feminine": my sensitivity, my caring nature, my love for people, and my heart. I love the blend, the mesh of everything in my life. The fact of just living free and not worrying about being masculine or being good enough for someone. I think that's a sad life to live and I see so many African American males deal with that struggle everyday. In high school I was taunted as being saddity and a pretty boy (oops did i mention conceited) and now in the real world I'm not masculine enough. Sometimes it makes me laugh because I used to give in and just say "okay...im feminine...my voice could be deeper...i could not wear the chucks today and go for something else...is this shirt giving the wrong impression?"
But now I'm free and can breathe because I'm in love with me. If I wanna go to school in my small tee, fitted jeans, high knee socks or dickie shorts, white tee, and some chucks then that's me. I don't feel the need to be categorized, or explain my masculinity to anyone. And next time...trust me I won't.
So that's what confuses me when I see/hear "I want a man"... Now I just shake my head and laugh...