merrily merrily merrily...life is but a dream
I think I've realized life is all a dream...from the time we finally open our eyes to the world until the time we finally shut them for the last time we are all in a dream.
My dream first began somewhere in Harris County...Houston, Texas. Home. What is home? Where is home? Home is in my heart. That's why moving is always a smooth transistion for me. Because I'm used to carrying around home in my heart. The military does that to you I suppose. I was a LOUD child...I loved attention, singing in front of people, dancing, acting, anything in front of people was for me. I loved it...and it lead me to Landon Middle School of The Arts for drama. I ocassionally sung in school plays but puberty hit and there went the voice...changed over to playing the piano, creative writing, and dance. Isn't the dream wonderful?
High school seems one massive blur to me right now. One whirlwind of a dream...The excitement, the fun, the pep rallies, the games, the hate, the love, the rejection, the acceptance, the loss, the gain, the glitter, the shine, the prom, the homecoming, the friends, the enemies, the sports, the step team, the overall feeling of being complete, the feeling of never being worthy enough.
I only dated in high school once my Senior Year...I had no plans on ever dating in high school. I was dealing with a lot in my dream and wanted some time just for me to figure out some things going on with my dream. I pretty much felt comfortable in my skin and sexuality by that time and felt that love might complete the dream. Mhmm...I had grown selfish, closed, private and sharing things with other people just made them feel as if I was pushing them away. No, I just wanted to breathe, just wanted to close my eyes and dream. I got my wish...
Loving people has never been good for me, from the time I began my dream. From the time I loved Nicole @ 5, until the time I loved Ryan @ 18. I was a sensitive baby, always giving, caring, sharing, and giving all of myself to anyone I loved. I don't ever think I've been in a long term relationship that didn't end with me feeling rejected, used, empty, and hurting. I think these were the causes and reasons for some of the baggage carried around in my dream. And the feelings of never wanting to love again. I still don't want to ever love again...give my heart again...spend my time with anyone again in a romantic way. It's all a night mare and I'm used to living happy dreams. So I just want to kiss love goodbye for now...
My dream first began somewhere in Harris County...Houston, Texas. Home. What is home? Where is home? Home is in my heart. That's why moving is always a smooth transistion for me. Because I'm used to carrying around home in my heart. The military does that to you I suppose. I was a LOUD child...I loved attention, singing in front of people, dancing, acting, anything in front of people was for me. I loved it...and it lead me to Landon Middle School of The Arts for drama. I ocassionally sung in school plays but puberty hit and there went the voice...changed over to playing the piano, creative writing, and dance. Isn't the dream wonderful?
High school seems one massive blur to me right now. One whirlwind of a dream...The excitement, the fun, the pep rallies, the games, the hate, the love, the rejection, the acceptance, the loss, the gain, the glitter, the shine, the prom, the homecoming, the friends, the enemies, the sports, the step team, the overall feeling of being complete, the feeling of never being worthy enough.
I only dated in high school once my Senior Year...I had no plans on ever dating in high school. I was dealing with a lot in my dream and wanted some time just for me to figure out some things going on with my dream. I pretty much felt comfortable in my skin and sexuality by that time and felt that love might complete the dream. Mhmm...I had grown selfish, closed, private and sharing things with other people just made them feel as if I was pushing them away. No, I just wanted to breathe, just wanted to close my eyes and dream. I got my wish...
Loving people has never been good for me, from the time I began my dream. From the time I loved Nicole @ 5, until the time I loved Ryan @ 18. I was a sensitive baby, always giving, caring, sharing, and giving all of myself to anyone I loved. I don't ever think I've been in a long term relationship that didn't end with me feeling rejected, used, empty, and hurting. I think these were the causes and reasons for some of the baggage carried around in my dream. And the feelings of never wanting to love again. I still don't want to ever love again...give my heart again...spend my time with anyone again in a romantic way. It's all a night mare and I'm used to living happy dreams. So I just want to kiss love goodbye for now...