Rambling
Well making my first post on here since.........spring break last year, ironic. I don't even think anyone actually even reads this anymore or even ever read mine but whatever. I may end up cutting it just to keep down the long post if I end up babbling. Whatever. Life's pretty crappy actually. Every time I seem to start to get a break I get shoved back down. I got the bike to run once after actually finishing and reinstalling the carb into it. Next day try to start it, nothing. And I'm determined to get it going, I'm tired of walking 2 hours to work. But I'm going to have to wait for the 900 some odd dollars from my tax return to just say fuck it and take it into a shop. Hopefully it'll be enough to pay for repairs and leave some leftover to get it registered. I've had to let my phone bill lapse to try to get the bike going. And in turn it seems this has some how pissed laura off. A strange part of me enjoys this fact, but it's very tiny and over ridden by the sheer fact that I still miss and love her more than she could ever know. I've been cut really deep this time and I don't think I'm going to recover fully. Then again I never thought I'd have to look for anyone else in my life, and I trusted her to always tell me the truth and always talk to me and be honest. I'm not sure how it's my fault she didn't talk to me when she needed to, but it most likely is. I know I'm free to do as I will and I'm walking the walk, and talking the talk but it's turning up empty. I like Leslee,I really do, but I don't know. I don't feel like I'm actually with someone, it feels like I'm just going through the motions sometimes. I just still miss her so much even if she tore me in half. This will never go away, and I HATE her for how she left me, but..........I don't know, I'm just still so hurt. I don't understand, I really don't. How can you say you love someone and say you want to spend the rest of your life with them and at the drop of a hat spring that you want to just leave, and no spacing just hop right into another relationship without thought or remorse. I don't get it. I had to take her off my facebook, not out of spite but because it hurt far to much to see her updates and photos. Even the profile picture of Pez's with her in it stings. I just don't know anymore. Granted I've become more spiritual but at what cost. God I miss her, 3 years gone in the blink of an eye. next thing I know, it's all back to where it started. merf, it's late and I have tomorrow off, god I don't want to fall back into a depresson again. here's hoping a good nights sleep will help.