flickers of life
Six thirty and I just walked in the door from an early Sunday morning workout.
The keyboard is sluggish under the weight of my fingers, my fine motor skills given up in exhaustion to my upper body regimen. I felt something tonight that I haven’t felt in a while. It was a glimpse of the electricity that used to be the status quo within me. As I left the gym I could feel my muscles flexing as the nerves continued to fire, the bitter sting of the rain in the near freezing temperatures , and mixed with ecstasy of singing in the vacant parking lot as I walked to my car made me realize that what I once was isn’t as dead as I thought. As I pulled out of the parking lot fueled by endorphins, music, and the energy of overcoming my oxygen debt, I felt myself again. I was once again primitive, predatory, prepared to let my teeth cut flesh. I drove home with the windows down, letting my baritone echo through the wet deserted streets of Cleveland in the pre dawn chill. I turned the corner of my street and kept on driving past my house so that I could soak in more of the cold night air on my face as I reveled in breaking the silence of the moist frigid morning. I felt invincible. I felt vibrant. I felt like for a few brief moments the volume and color of my life were once again turned up to the point that would blind and deafen those too timid to embrace their power and risk being destroyed by the energy that carried it. Call it what you like, lack of sleep, workout high, delusional bluster; I call it a perfect moment of life in which I felt powerful and indestructible.
It felt RIGHTEOUS!
It felt just!
It felt amazing and I know that I will seek it out again.
I am determined to master all that oppose me, be they people, disease, money, or time. I finally feel as if I have harnessed my darkness and can channel its limitless gravity to my own ends.
It may be mania, it may be me fooling myself, but whatever it is, I must have more and I know that while my spiritual and creative fuel has seemed to dwindle to residue, the engine still works, and there is limitless track ahead of me if I can just manage to shovel the coal.
The keyboard is sluggish under the weight of my fingers, my fine motor skills given up in exhaustion to my upper body regimen. I felt something tonight that I haven’t felt in a while. It was a glimpse of the electricity that used to be the status quo within me. As I left the gym I could feel my muscles flexing as the nerves continued to fire, the bitter sting of the rain in the near freezing temperatures , and mixed with ecstasy of singing in the vacant parking lot as I walked to my car made me realize that what I once was isn’t as dead as I thought. As I pulled out of the parking lot fueled by endorphins, music, and the energy of overcoming my oxygen debt, I felt myself again. I was once again primitive, predatory, prepared to let my teeth cut flesh. I drove home with the windows down, letting my baritone echo through the wet deserted streets of Cleveland in the pre dawn chill. I turned the corner of my street and kept on driving past my house so that I could soak in more of the cold night air on my face as I reveled in breaking the silence of the moist frigid morning. I felt invincible. I felt vibrant. I felt like for a few brief moments the volume and color of my life were once again turned up to the point that would blind and deafen those too timid to embrace their power and risk being destroyed by the energy that carried it. Call it what you like, lack of sleep, workout high, delusional bluster; I call it a perfect moment of life in which I felt powerful and indestructible.
It felt RIGHTEOUS!
It felt just!
It felt amazing and I know that I will seek it out again.
I am determined to master all that oppose me, be they people, disease, money, or time. I finally feel as if I have harnessed my darkness and can channel its limitless gravity to my own ends.
It may be mania, it may be me fooling myself, but whatever it is, I must have more and I know that while my spiritual and creative fuel has seemed to dwindle to residue, the engine still works, and there is limitless track ahead of me if I can just manage to shovel the coal.