Reflections on tonight
Wow, today/tonight just really woke my ass up on some issues that I still need to address. Background, my roommate and I went to a BBQ at a friend's place. Well, he knew two of the guys and I am really good friends with the third. I will say, I'm typically more of a reserved person and really can be introverted at times. Well, we got there and for the first few hours, I was having a decent time. There were a few people there that I've just rubbed the wrong way (wish I hadn't but I have) so it was a bit awkward. I just found myself VERY reserved, and almost standoff-ish. It was hard for me to open up to people, etc. Early on it wasn't to bad cause there were several people around that I was very comfortable with. But, as things fizzled out, it got harder for me. My roommate, who is usually the more introverted one, but also is the more attractive and flirtatious one, was having a WONDERFUL time. I just felt excluded alot and that people really didn't want to include me or warm up to me. Almost like I'd walk in and the conversation would stop and comments would be made that could have been directed about me. But again, just my own insecurities I suspect. Who knows. But, I'm not sure if I'm giving off an aura that is turning people off. But, I know I have a self confidence/self esteem issue to work on. So, after being there for about 5 hours, I was just ready to go, but my roommate was just enjoying himself. The people that I felt I should have been comfortable with, were the people that he felt the most comfortable with and just involved himself more. Yes, I was jealous! I think that is the best word to use right now. I wanted what he had. I wanted the experience that he was having. But, I couldn't get myself to open up and to be vulnerable enough to possible be accepted.
But, how do I change this? I seriously don't know and this is something I'm going to mull over for a bit now. But, anyway, I'm happy my roommate had a good time. But, maybe I'm just wanting to move on. Maybe I'm surrounding myself with a crowd of people who I don't want to be around? Clint and a few others are great, this is a more generalize statement.
Top Ten Things to work on!
1. Loose Weight as I know this will improve health, energy, self confidence/self esteem (I know there is a difference but don't want to get into it)
2. Be more social and be willing to put yourself out there more
3. Work on the jealousy issue
4. Be less sexual
5. Loosen up and be willing to laugh
6. Go into a situation with a more positive attitude
7. Be willing to have that drink to relax yourself
8. Understand that there maybe crowds you don't work in
9. Don't draw conclusions so quickly
10. Go into a social setting with a "don't care" attitude.
Okay, so I know this isn't written how I want, but I needed to get this off of my chest. I can't believe I'm so jealous and having such a hard time with this. Man do I have some image issues to work on!
But, how do I change this? I seriously don't know and this is something I'm going to mull over for a bit now. But, anyway, I'm happy my roommate had a good time. But, maybe I'm just wanting to move on. Maybe I'm surrounding myself with a crowd of people who I don't want to be around? Clint and a few others are great, this is a more generalize statement.
Top Ten Things to work on!
1. Loose Weight as I know this will improve health, energy, self confidence/self esteem (I know there is a difference but don't want to get into it)
2. Be more social and be willing to put yourself out there more
3. Work on the jealousy issue
4. Be less sexual
5. Loosen up and be willing to laugh
6. Go into a situation with a more positive attitude
7. Be willing to have that drink to relax yourself
8. Understand that there maybe crowds you don't work in
9. Don't draw conclusions so quickly
10. Go into a social setting with a "don't care" attitude.
Okay, so I know this isn't written how I want, but I needed to get this off of my chest. I can't believe I'm so jealous and having such a hard time with this. Man do I have some image issues to work on!