Elections, Economy, Healthcare, Life
It is interesting how one can feel "community" one day and NOT feel "community" the next. I was chatting with a buddy of mine about different places we've lived and how we felt while living there and what we feel now. I was born in Marshall, MI, then moved to the Grand Rapids area. But, at roughly age 2, my father was transferred to a city just outside of Minneapolis, MN. I spent the next 8 years here. While in MN, my younger brother was born (older sister was born before I was by 3 years), my parents divorced (partially due to the fact that my father could not handle my medical issues. ), Mom struggled to provide for us, my health was up and down, I struggled with accepting myself and the fact that I was "abnormal" in comparison to the people around me, etc. The fact that I was in a more urban community never crossed my mind until we moved to Big Rapids, MI. My mom needed the help from family to just keep the family going. Oh, and the cost of living in Big Rapids is considerably lower than the more affluent community we were living in in MN. We were use to country clubs, etc.
So, for me, Big Rapids offered initially what MN did. I was still struggling to make friends. I was still struggling to accept me for me. Accept the fact that I wore diapers, had scars, etc. But, early on, I also began to realize I was gay. I initially thought it might be my curiosity of if I was maturing like most other guys my age. I was in a single family home with an older sister and a mom. But, we all know now, that isn't the case. Maybe it truly was though. Cause I was looking at girls, etc. But, come 7th grade, I wanted to touch a cock, see a cock, play with a cock. So I did. Well, we will spare the rest of middle school and high school. Those years were pretty uneventful. I did have alot of surgery and such. But, nothing else new. I did though, never still feel apart of "the community" I tried to fit in, I tried to get into leadership roles to make people notice me. But, again, did it help me make a community, NOPE! College was the same way. Plenty of acquaintances, but never a true set of good friends. I do have a few fraternity brothers, but I am the one who always has to reach out. Not sure what's wrong with me. Then I graduated and came down to Ann Arbor for grad school. Again, I made a pseudo community of classmates. But again, I just never really fit in. The repeated issue or feeling is that I never feel that I "FIT IN" to anything. Not sure why, but I don't. I wish someone could enlighten me on the matter.
Well, once grad school was done, I was dating a guy with whom I did the worst thing I could have, I smothered him. I tried to make his friends "my community" also and that drove him away. Yes, I realize now that we aren't meant to date. But again, this pattern is not healthy and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Why is no wanting to be "MY FRIEND"? Why is it that I always feel as if I am trying to become THEIR FRIEND? I do this with relationships as well which is why I think I can't seem to find someone and be with them for more than 3-4 months before they end up deciding it's not going to work our or they decide to cheat. Well, again, wish I could get someone to HELP me shed some light on this subject.
So now it is February of 2008. I have lived in Ann Arbor for 5.5 years and have no real friends. No one calls to see if I want to hang out. No one calls to see how I'M doing. I could go months without speaking to certain people and it wouldn't phase them. I've stopped talking to some cause they never responded. So again, what am I doing wrong? I'm not sure and I wish I could figure it out. Well, I guess I just need to meditate/pray/think more about it and see if anything comes to light.
Okay, enough rambling for today. But, I'm just confused!
So, for me, Big Rapids offered initially what MN did. I was still struggling to make friends. I was still struggling to accept me for me. Accept the fact that I wore diapers, had scars, etc. But, early on, I also began to realize I was gay. I initially thought it might be my curiosity of if I was maturing like most other guys my age. I was in a single family home with an older sister and a mom. But, we all know now, that isn't the case. Maybe it truly was though. Cause I was looking at girls, etc. But, come 7th grade, I wanted to touch a cock, see a cock, play with a cock. So I did. Well, we will spare the rest of middle school and high school. Those years were pretty uneventful. I did have alot of surgery and such. But, nothing else new. I did though, never still feel apart of "the community" I tried to fit in, I tried to get into leadership roles to make people notice me. But, again, did it help me make a community, NOPE! College was the same way. Plenty of acquaintances, but never a true set of good friends. I do have a few fraternity brothers, but I am the one who always has to reach out. Not sure what's wrong with me. Then I graduated and came down to Ann Arbor for grad school. Again, I made a pseudo community of classmates. But again, I just never really fit in. The repeated issue or feeling is that I never feel that I "FIT IN" to anything. Not sure why, but I don't. I wish someone could enlighten me on the matter.
Well, once grad school was done, I was dating a guy with whom I did the worst thing I could have, I smothered him. I tried to make his friends "my community" also and that drove him away. Yes, I realize now that we aren't meant to date. But again, this pattern is not healthy and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Why is no wanting to be "MY FRIEND"? Why is it that I always feel as if I am trying to become THEIR FRIEND? I do this with relationships as well which is why I think I can't seem to find someone and be with them for more than 3-4 months before they end up deciding it's not going to work our or they decide to cheat. Well, again, wish I could get someone to HELP me shed some light on this subject.
So now it is February of 2008. I have lived in Ann Arbor for 5.5 years and have no real friends. No one calls to see if I want to hang out. No one calls to see how I'M doing. I could go months without speaking to certain people and it wouldn't phase them. I've stopped talking to some cause they never responded. So again, what am I doing wrong? I'm not sure and I wish I could figure it out. Well, I guess I just need to meditate/pray/think more about it and see if anything comes to light.
Okay, enough rambling for today. But, I'm just confused!