rambling im sure...
half way thru my usual nightcap of creme de menthe and vodka. im really upset most of the time lately, but instead of wallowing in it, ive been spending a lot of time trying to figure it out...rationalize it. had a conversation with a few people lately on the same topic...relationships. and to all ive talked to ive tried to explain. to both jackie and my boss, and say that i am happy alone. i fill the void of being alone by collecting antiques - pouring my love into objects that bring me joy. but, ive realized...at the end of the day, they dont mean anything. i cant cuddle up with my art nouveau liberty figurine. i cant kiss my 19th century new england painting. they are just excuses. in all honesty, im lonely as hell. but too scared to want a relationship again. no longer for fear that someone may not like me or accept me...but for fear of being crushed. ive only been crushed twice in my life, one of which i am still recovering from. im mortified of trusting someone with my heart. only recently i found the only guy i could really envision myself being with and then left me torn apart when i discovered he felt differently. that was near 5 months ago and the pain is not gone. i still love who he was as much as i did when he and i were together. i dont want to put myself in a situation like that again. but at the same time...i am terribly lonely. ive lost track of where this is going. i guess i was going to try to prove everyone wrong when they tell me i cant replace love with material things...but i suppose they are right. i sit in this house with well over $100,000 worth of material stuff that just doesnt cut it when its time for bed at night. id give it all away just for love. just to feel wanted. oh blah. this isnt how i wanted this post to end up. bed time for this sleepy will.