greenwood mississippi
it is awful awful awful awful here. i am feeling awful. everything here reminds me of what i don't and maybe wont ever have. all things i have now that i love are so far away. my home...my physical house, my home, with everything i own is in savannah. my love, the person who has my heart, is in savannah. my friends, the few there are but dear to me, are spread around in other places far away from me. even my friends nearby are either otherwise occupied with their loves and lives. my dreams: being here makes me realize just how naive i may very well be. i dont aspire to great things...i dont aspire to be famous. i just aspire to leave something behind when i am gone. i found that once in my hometown. i found old buildings that make up the historical story of my town. they were empty, neglected and rotting. i aspired to change my town into something that would go on and on to future generations. to fix it, restore it, and save it. to save the legacy of a delta town that began as a humble steamboat port and rose to become the most thriving town in the mississippi delta. so fucking naive. i went to scad to learn historic preservation after working in a historic preservation firm in greenwood for years designing facade renovations and even seeing a couple of my designs come to life. it was the most fulfilling thing i have ever experienced. i wanted to come back to my hometown as a savior. to resurrect not only the buildings, but the people and the lives of everyone. so here i sit. the town is already in the midst of massive restoration. i feel i have an invitation to a wonderful party, but i know by the time i get ready it will be over. the legacy i wanted to leave in my town is slipping away...and the saddest part...the ones here in charge of all historic preservation projects have never had a day of preservation lessons. they are graphic designers, business men, and the lofty monopolizer ceo of viking range corporation. why...WHY am i wasting my time to learn a craft that apparently any one coule do? everytime i mention returning to greenwood mississippi people grimmace. people tell me how stupid i am. maybe i am. i would give up a lot. im jsut lost and looking for something that i cant identify. something i can feel, but not something tangible. i just want something big to happen. and now. i dont know where, what, or how. i just want it to happen now.