Author: Hikaru Del Sogno
Fandom: DB5K
Pairings: Changmin x Junsu (MinSu), Yoochun x Junsu, Yunho x Jaejoong
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: They are not mine.
Junsu mounted the stairs. There was no light on it, which was the reason Junsu never liked to be out too late, because he would have to climb up this endless darkness. Luckily, it was a night with full moon, which cast its palely white illumination on the rough staircase. Junsu could even see steam coming out of his mouth. It was a chilly summer night.
When finally getting to his floor, Junsu dragged his luggage to the very end of the corridor. There was no moon at this side of the building, but without looking Junsu knew where his door was: exactly 105 steps away from the staicase. The steps he made echoed across the hallway.
Junsu fumbled in his bag to find the keys. Once found it, he inserted it into the lock, and heard a gritting sound as he turned the key. With a light click and then a loud shriek, the door opened.
He was finally back. The air inside rushed out to greet him, making Junsu’s heart beat faster. He inhaled the smell of damp earth. It was comforting. Yunho and Jaejoong must have come some times to help him keep the place clean. Junsu was grateful he had such wonderful friends; they were almost the only family he’d ever had.
Junsu extended his arm to the inside to turn the light on. The comforting beigely light poured out to the corridor, as Junsu turned to the side to grab his luggage.
It was then that he noticed the trash bin next to the door, because its content caught his attention. No less than a dozen cigarrette butts were there. White filter with blue texts. Junsu recognized the brand - Mild Seven Original. The same kind that Changmin liked to smoke, his mind very unhelpfully added.
Junsu almost physically shook his head to get the thought off his mind. He had been trying to forget that person, but just a moment ago he was reminded of how closely he used to know Changmin. Changmin only smoked when he felt bothered by something, and he only smoked Mild Seven. Junsu also remembered how Changmin would rap the cigarrette pack against his palm before opening it, the way he got a cigarrette out of the pack with his lips, how he would hold it with his fingers: the European way or with his palm upward, depending on his mood… All these pieces of knowledge had become too intimate to Junsu’s tolerance now.
Junsu inhaled sharply. No, he must not think of that Shim person. It must have been someone else smoking here. Maybe a group of people, even. There were so many cigarrette butts, and one couldn’t possibly hate themself so much as to try to commit slow suicide by smoking so many. For, Mild Seven Original was actually anything but mild.
Life is sad, thought Junsu. Working, eating, sleeping are to sustain life, but in one way or another we would always destroy ourselves. That is the only way we rid ourselves of the long, endless misery that human feelings bring.
Junsu made a mental note to empty the trash tomorrow morning, and with a sigh he stood up. His hand held the luggage handle and he was about to walk in. But he could never do it.
For from behind there was a pair of strong arms grasping at him and soon clutching him closely to that body. Junsu gasped. It almost smothered him and by that alone Junsu knew it was someone close to him. Or someone drunk.
The first people Junsu thought about was Jaejoong or Yoochun. Except for them there never had been anyone holding him this close in life, if cuddling during sex didn’t count.
And of course it didn’t. Men would do anything to get laid, so cuddling for them didn’t mean anything. Junsu knew it more clearly than anyone did, because he had been on the receiving end. Someone could have stayed with him, been close to him and yet looked down on him; Junsu had open his heart to Changmin only to be said to the face that he was probably willing to spread his legs for any rich man. To that person Junsu was only a whore, a slut. It was much too painful for Junsu to bear, and it hurt both his heart and his dignity badly.
In life, only Jaejoong and Yoochun loved him enough to embrace him like this without any specific reason, without demanding anything in return.
But he knew it was neither Jaejoong nor Yoochun, when he felt on his face and neck, hot tears started to run. Streams of them wetted Junsu’s cheek.
To Junsu’s surprise, that person who was embracing him was crying.
Jaejoong and Yoochun didn’t have any reason to cry because they knew where he had gone to. The stream of water tickled him and made his goosebumps go up.
That person seemed to not want to sob, so he exhaled. Junsu felt the hot breath on the back of his ears, and he smelled the very familiar smell of Mild Seven. The very special and real smell cigarette, with a faintly sweet and minty undertone.
But it was only when the person spoke that Junsu felt wanting to break free from the hold. It was too much for him.
“You’re back,” said Changmin. His hot breath trailed on Junsu’s cool skin.
Changmin never wanted to let go of the person he was holding again. If this could last forever, he wished, for it felt so right. At a moment all of the hardships vanished and all Changmin could feel was the pulsating heart of himself, and that of the person in his arms.
Junsu felt cold and his clothes were damp from the outside fogs. There was the smell of travelling lingering on his body, but under it all Changmin could still feel November lily scent. It calmed Changmin’s nerves, in the midst of all the overwhelming feelings he was experiencing.
Changmin had gotten into his car the same time as Yunho had done. But about half an hour on the highway, he suddenly didn’t know where he was anymore. He suddenly felt his own existence didn’t carry any feeling to him. His mind was with Junsu and it was just miserable to be removed from where the air had before born the feeling of Junsu’s existence. That fantasy proximity was about the only thing left that could make Changmin feel life in these madly, gnawingly empty days.
So Changmin had turned back to Junsu’s apartment. He had driven madly in order to get back there as soon as possible. He had rushed like crazy up the stairs and only slowed down once he had gotten to the 5th floor. Then he had walked like a soulless being, collapsed down like he was soulless.
He was in a state of half dream half reality, when he had heard the sound of steps. It had been of moderate pace with the sound of something heavy pulled with them.
Changmin had held his breath. Please, please, please, let it be him. Changmin had prayed even though he had never believed in any particular God.
Then the person had opened the door. The light had been turned on for Changmin to see the person looking at the bin at his side for a while, his head ducking adorably. Changmin’s heart had ached so much he had had to clutch at it.
Junsu. Really, Junsu.
Then Changmin had seen Junsu sigh, and the pianist had been about to walk in. But no. Hell no. Changmin would not be separated from Junsu again. Not today. Not when he had waited for Junsu for so long, when he had been craving for Junsu’s presence, for just a mere feeling of Junsu.
And so Changmin had rushed himself over. His arms had thrown themselves around Junsu, holding the person so closely that not even divine intervention could tear Junsu away from him. It was this person that he had fallen in love with. So madly in love with. It had been incredibly stupid of him to have not realized it earlier, before he had hurt that person so much.
“You’re back,” Changmin had said. His throat felt hoarse and he could only let his tears fall silently like a boy. Changmin had never cried before he had met Junsu. He had never felt stupid and in need of someone this much.
But, he felt Junsu tense up in his embrace. Junsu held his breath, and then Junsu drew in a deep inhalation.
“What are you doing here, Changmin-ssi?”
‘Changmin-ssi’?
Since when had he become ‘Changmin-ssi’ to Junsu? Since when a three syllabled word could hurt so much?
Junsu had to contain himself. These strong arms, this dominating presence, this voice… they wanted to break Junsu down by drowning him in emotions but Junsu wouldn’t let them. Junsu wouldn’t let Shim Changmin trick him again, hurt him again. Junsu would not let his dignity or his heart wounded again after they had both been severely scarred. Nearly a month out of the country and Junsu had almost healed. All his effort couldn’t just be vain just because Shim Changmin decided to claim his toy back with whatever new tactic he deemed fit. Junsu had had enough of it.
So he mustered his strength and said the words in the coldest way possible. The way that Shim Changmin deserved.
“What are you doing here, Changmin-ssi?”
There. So easy. ‘Changmin-ssi’. All proper honorific. After all Changmin was of a total different social class, and Junsu would not disillusion himself that that fact could be ignored anymore.
Most importantly it would tell Changmin that they were to have nothing left to do with each other.
End 48
Junsu is back! Please comment and tell me what you think! Love, xxoo.
End 47