(no subject)
Yesterday was a beautiful day. There is no other was to say it. There is just something about the first warm, sunny day of the year. It seems to just melt off the whole winter. You just can't be sad when the sun is shining and you can smell all the flora coming out after a long winter.
The thing is, I had a realization yesterday. It's not the kind of realization you want to have. I realized, essentially, that everyone thinks I converted to Catholicism for Andrew. To get married. It was a heartbreaking thing...no one will ever take me seriously, and my relationship with God is condemned as...well, non-existent. I suppose it's pride that makes me irritated with this. I spent a lot of nights crying when I realized what I believed was wrong. I remember many classes where I stuck my fingers in my ears saying "blah! blah! blah!" trying to shut out the truth that I knew was there. I didn't want to be Catholic. I was presented with the truth, and I wanted to walk away and ignore it. I couldn't though. I went through one of those things that basically makes you see what your life has been pointing towards. My frustrations with denominations, my inablility to understand how people could preach "one God" then say he was "one truth" then say ALL denominations were right. From God being a trinity, to God NOT being a trinity. From communion being literal to figurative. I found the answers to the questions I was seeking. And taking that step meant walking away from everything I knew. I know it sounds egotistical, but I felt a lot like Abram (later, Abraham) leaving for the promised land. I suppose it's everyone dumbing down this experience because I wanted to get married. Honestly? If Andrew dumped me, I still would have been Catholic. I can't walk away from truth.
The thing that sucks, is that I'm gunna carry this stigma for the rest of my life. I'm always gunna be that convert for marriage. There are probably people even now, reading this thinking I'm lying to myself. *sigh* I guess this is where I just have to suck it up, and realize that what other people think does matter. it's just....it's the biggest insult.
The thing is, I had a realization yesterday. It's not the kind of realization you want to have. I realized, essentially, that everyone thinks I converted to Catholicism for Andrew. To get married. It was a heartbreaking thing...no one will ever take me seriously, and my relationship with God is condemned as...well, non-existent. I suppose it's pride that makes me irritated with this. I spent a lot of nights crying when I realized what I believed was wrong. I remember many classes where I stuck my fingers in my ears saying "blah! blah! blah!" trying to shut out the truth that I knew was there. I didn't want to be Catholic. I was presented with the truth, and I wanted to walk away and ignore it. I couldn't though. I went through one of those things that basically makes you see what your life has been pointing towards. My frustrations with denominations, my inablility to understand how people could preach "one God" then say he was "one truth" then say ALL denominations were right. From God being a trinity, to God NOT being a trinity. From communion being literal to figurative. I found the answers to the questions I was seeking. And taking that step meant walking away from everything I knew. I know it sounds egotistical, but I felt a lot like Abram (later, Abraham) leaving for the promised land. I suppose it's everyone dumbing down this experience because I wanted to get married. Honestly? If Andrew dumped me, I still would have been Catholic. I can't walk away from truth.
The thing that sucks, is that I'm gunna carry this stigma for the rest of my life. I'm always gunna be that convert for marriage. There are probably people even now, reading this thinking I'm lying to myself. *sigh* I guess this is where I just have to suck it up, and realize that what other people think does matter. it's just....it's the biggest insult.