This time, the choice is mine.
Unbeknownst to the general public, the year or so clean I had was a falsehood. A handful of times, I would spend two or three days tweaking, and was fairly successful in hiding it - and even though ultimately I left that shit behind on my own accord a few months ago, I did start smoking pot regularly. And by regularly, I mean pretty much all day-every day.
A couple of days ago, Stella brought me my AA book and asked if she could read it. When she realized that the words were way too big for her, she put it up. It was kind of a sign, I guess. Yesterday, she did it again. Later, I picked up my NA book and started to read... I came across pg 24, I read a line that said, "Ask yourself this question, Do I believe it would be insane to walk up to someone and say, 'May I please have a heart attack or a fatal accident?'" This for some reason really resonated with me, in the sense that every time I smoke a bowl, or a joint, or whatever mind altering substance I choose to ingest, I am, in some way, asking the Universe, "Hey, would you mind taking Stella away from me? I don't want her anymore." And it just so happened, I was high as hell as I was reading it. Yeah.
I decided then and there that once I was done. I know myself well enough to know that I care way too much about my image in society, and I made myself ponder what would happen if anyone found out - about any of it - that would be it. I'd be exiled, so to speak. I'd lose Stella, and any bit of reconciliation I have with my family, loved ones, and some others. I mean, I really made myself imagine it as a reality, and explore how I felt as a result of t he scenario. I did not like it at all, and began to cry.
How could I continue with that kind of possibility looming overhead?
Maybe I am just stubborn, but I haven't decided whether or not to work the 12-step program or not, but one thing is for sure, I am not interested in drugs anymore. Though no one knows more than an addict how fleeting that feeling is, and one day I may tinker with the idea of them again, because that is what we do... But with a clear head I am saying - especially to my future self - NO.
I am way past due for this. I don't even remember the so called 'pink cloud' I had after rehab. So, I am starting over. And I have, reluctantly of course, made a decision to admit it openly on Tuesday at NA. I received my '1 year' keytag last month, and the truth is, I only lasted about 6 months. I don't know what it's like to have a year clean, and I feel like I shit on everyone at the meeting who rooted for me for having a year.
Granted, I will admit I am too proud to admit that I never had a year, and I will tell a lie and say that I smoked pot and fucked up my clean time, therefore I am starting over. But that is my burden to bear. I accept it. One day, I hope that I can break the shackles I put myself in by not being 100% genuine, worrying about my image and how people perceive me. I am very hopeful that this is the first step to achieving that goal.
On another note, I also decided to quit smoking.
June 5, 2015. My new official clean date.
And while it is utterly embarrassing to admit it all... it's okay.
I'm just fucking sick and tired of hiding and lying. I'm done.
- HD
A couple of days ago, Stella brought me my AA book and asked if she could read it. When she realized that the words were way too big for her, she put it up. It was kind of a sign, I guess. Yesterday, she did it again. Later, I picked up my NA book and started to read... I came across pg 24, I read a line that said, "Ask yourself this question, Do I believe it would be insane to walk up to someone and say, 'May I please have a heart attack or a fatal accident?'" This for some reason really resonated with me, in the sense that every time I smoke a bowl, or a joint, or whatever mind altering substance I choose to ingest, I am, in some way, asking the Universe, "Hey, would you mind taking Stella away from me? I don't want her anymore." And it just so happened, I was high as hell as I was reading it. Yeah.
I decided then and there that once I was done. I know myself well enough to know that I care way too much about my image in society, and I made myself ponder what would happen if anyone found out - about any of it - that would be it. I'd be exiled, so to speak. I'd lose Stella, and any bit of reconciliation I have with my family, loved ones, and some others. I mean, I really made myself imagine it as a reality, and explore how I felt as a result of t he scenario. I did not like it at all, and began to cry.
How could I continue with that kind of possibility looming overhead?
Maybe I am just stubborn, but I haven't decided whether or not to work the 12-step program or not, but one thing is for sure, I am not interested in drugs anymore. Though no one knows more than an addict how fleeting that feeling is, and one day I may tinker with the idea of them again, because that is what we do... But with a clear head I am saying - especially to my future self - NO.
I am way past due for this. I don't even remember the so called 'pink cloud' I had after rehab. So, I am starting over. And I have, reluctantly of course, made a decision to admit it openly on Tuesday at NA. I received my '1 year' keytag last month, and the truth is, I only lasted about 6 months. I don't know what it's like to have a year clean, and I feel like I shit on everyone at the meeting who rooted for me for having a year.
Granted, I will admit I am too proud to admit that I never had a year, and I will tell a lie and say that I smoked pot and fucked up my clean time, therefore I am starting over. But that is my burden to bear. I accept it. One day, I hope that I can break the shackles I put myself in by not being 100% genuine, worrying about my image and how people perceive me. I am very hopeful that this is the first step to achieving that goal.
On another note, I also decided to quit smoking.
June 5, 2015. My new official clean date.
And while it is utterly embarrassing to admit it all... it's okay.
I'm just fucking sick and tired of hiding and lying. I'm done.
- HD