(no subject)
My body is beginning to operate on a level closer to normal for the first time in awhile. I'm still easily exhausted and experiencing pain, but the aches are almost completely gone, I have my appetite back and can eat whatever I want I'm assuming. My fogginess and constant migraine has subsided. Now that life is flooding back into me reality does not hesitate to slap me across the face and show me naughty pictures of everything I was in denial about before and all of my responsibilities and suggesting many things to me that I should shed or add to my new life. It's all so overwhelming. Yesterday I was a freaking basket-case. Psychotic really. I had so much flooding into my brain that I was genuinely a crazy person. Though logical I was on a strange wave thus incapable of reacting or responding from my proper center. It was a good place to be, however what I should have done in the beginning is isolate myself. It's interesting how as soon as I felt a bit more energetic people around me are all of a sudden a lot more expectant of me. What? You want me to do what? You expected what from me? Yesterday I couldn't get out of bed and today I've been out of bed for 5 hours and you want to assume that every thing's back to normal? Whoa!
Watch what Shara does under that pressure and the reality of EXHAUSTION! Goodnight. No one gets to see Shara till she wakes up tomorrow; and hopefully tomorrow you won't be so goddamn expectant. I'm not here to please. I'm here to heal. Get over yourself and give me some damn space.
Whoa. So I realized just how big of a bitch I truly can be. Yesterday I was observing this. How harsh my thoughts can twist, how vulgar my words can be, how abrasively sarcastic and apathetically malicious I can be when I feel full respect is not called for. I may even get a kick out of the discomfort I create during the moment. Discomfort's not a bad thing. It'll teach you things. I promise.
Sometimes people just don't respond well to respect. I'm not kidding. You have to shove an issue into someone's face and smear it on the inside of the lips and then kick the person in the gut to get some people to recognize that you are fucking serious and you would like this issue to be thoroughly thought through AND objectively. Thank you.
I'm becoming less and less tolerable of bullshit in my old age, and the abrasiveness is a product of that. It's easy for people to think I'm nothing, something they can just walk by. I've been invisible. I know people don't naturally see me as an intimidating force. I'm tired of being walked on. I'm tired of experiencing relationships that are imbalanced and unfair. I am to the point where I know I need to be hard up and stand up for myself and my place and what I am doing in MY life; because this is MY LIFE, and I almost lost it; and I would not have been satisfied with how I had been living or allowing myself to exist and respond to the world.
Almost dying is kind of setting me back on track. Throwing me back into the drivers seat of my life. But watch the fuck out because I am a crazy driver and I am determined to get wherever i am going even if I am not sure where that is quite yet... and you better believe I have a dead line.
I am going to pull myself out of this mess, I will NOT be living in a goddamn van doing nothing progressive or productive at all anymore, I will not spend my time around people who pretend to like me but really care nothing for me at all, I am going to accept the help and guidance offered by my family which does not include giving me any money at all, I will get a job, I will pay off my debt, I will get my own place somewhere; wherever I want. I will reap the consequences of my decisions, and I will begin to rebuild my life. I will begin to rebuild my life with things that make me feel wholeness and inspiration, motivation and life. I will get to where I am going. Even if I walk alone.
Watch what Shara does under that pressure and the reality of EXHAUSTION! Goodnight. No one gets to see Shara till she wakes up tomorrow; and hopefully tomorrow you won't be so goddamn expectant. I'm not here to please. I'm here to heal. Get over yourself and give me some damn space.
Whoa. So I realized just how big of a bitch I truly can be. Yesterday I was observing this. How harsh my thoughts can twist, how vulgar my words can be, how abrasively sarcastic and apathetically malicious I can be when I feel full respect is not called for. I may even get a kick out of the discomfort I create during the moment. Discomfort's not a bad thing. It'll teach you things. I promise.
Sometimes people just don't respond well to respect. I'm not kidding. You have to shove an issue into someone's face and smear it on the inside of the lips and then kick the person in the gut to get some people to recognize that you are fucking serious and you would like this issue to be thoroughly thought through AND objectively. Thank you.
I'm becoming less and less tolerable of bullshit in my old age, and the abrasiveness is a product of that. It's easy for people to think I'm nothing, something they can just walk by. I've been invisible. I know people don't naturally see me as an intimidating force. I'm tired of being walked on. I'm tired of experiencing relationships that are imbalanced and unfair. I am to the point where I know I need to be hard up and stand up for myself and my place and what I am doing in MY life; because this is MY LIFE, and I almost lost it; and I would not have been satisfied with how I had been living or allowing myself to exist and respond to the world.
Almost dying is kind of setting me back on track. Throwing me back into the drivers seat of my life. But watch the fuck out because I am a crazy driver and I am determined to get wherever i am going even if I am not sure where that is quite yet... and you better believe I have a dead line.
I am going to pull myself out of this mess, I will NOT be living in a goddamn van doing nothing progressive or productive at all anymore, I will not spend my time around people who pretend to like me but really care nothing for me at all, I am going to accept the help and guidance offered by my family which does not include giving me any money at all, I will get a job, I will pay off my debt, I will get my own place somewhere; wherever I want. I will reap the consequences of my decisions, and I will begin to rebuild my life. I will begin to rebuild my life with things that make me feel wholeness and inspiration, motivation and life. I will get to where I am going. Even if I walk alone.