TOAST
I am now one thirty in the morning eating bread with butter, jam and cinnamon. I am doing this partially because I am half stoned... that's not true. I was half stoned about an hour ago. now I am just... practicing sheer avoidance by distraction. Which I have been doing alot recently. Mostly staring at cute boys in the supermarket.
I feel like a colorblind person trying to choose between red and green. The choice would almost have to be arbitrary.
Perhaps that is a very cold and distant analogy to use. And please don't attach it to the supermarket boys. It is unattached. And what am I?
I am eating cultured cream in my mind, all effervescent and sour and buttery.
I am considering that I may not be as great or as terrible as I fear.
I think about Lucian and Sky and Andre and the colorful flavors of real heaven that they are.
And I think about Elad and the storm laden life of clouds that he is. I don't wish that he would evaporate.
(I've just come from reading notes on Tom's myspace and hence the perhaps unprecedented and absolutely gratuitous verbosity. I feel like hollywood, my big words ain't even good.)
Perhaps he is right and I don't love him. Perhaps he is right and I am running away. PerHaps there is Nothing to run away from, but I still want to go because there isn't to come back to what I want to live with and I mean LIVE and be thrilled in it.
sometimes I think I am an uninteresting and appropriate liar- which stems from being inappropriate and then overcompensating.
I went to Ali's show tonight-comedyimprov-and met Sachi's friend Benny who looks like a somewhat dorkier and prettier miniature version of Elad, who is miraculously also a drummer. And a painter. And absurd and frank and sweet.
And young.
And of course I flirted until I got tired and I knew very well the whole time that he reminded me of Elad. And he is obviously in love with Sachi, so there is of course nothing doing. But it was an interesting interaction to observe.
My sister loves me. I feel completely unworthy. Yes it's true. I feel definitely unworthy of love right now.
selfish,critical,distracted,superficial/flighty,and I don't know what I want. Hey. At least and I am pretty and I can sing. That should last me about a month with any guy I choose. How yucky is that. But I don't know what I want.
I want to not hold back, not withold be myself and take risks. sigh. I want to be empaled on my own life.
my desktop photo right now is a naked picture of me. Yes it is true. And not obscene and I really like it. Just about as much as I like the clownfish in the anemones desktop.
Anyway. I should go to sleap.
which is almost like "sleep", but spelled with an 'a'.
Do you know, I am even a tease to myself? I rarely give myself what I want. Only what I think I want in the moment.
I haven't really thought that through, but it's probably a good percentage true.
I feel like a colorblind person trying to choose between red and green. The choice would almost have to be arbitrary.
Perhaps that is a very cold and distant analogy to use. And please don't attach it to the supermarket boys. It is unattached. And what am I?
I am eating cultured cream in my mind, all effervescent and sour and buttery.
I am considering that I may not be as great or as terrible as I fear.
I think about Lucian and Sky and Andre and the colorful flavors of real heaven that they are.
And I think about Elad and the storm laden life of clouds that he is. I don't wish that he would evaporate.
(I've just come from reading notes on Tom's myspace and hence the perhaps unprecedented and absolutely gratuitous verbosity. I feel like hollywood, my big words ain't even good.)
Perhaps he is right and I don't love him. Perhaps he is right and I am running away. PerHaps there is Nothing to run away from, but I still want to go because there isn't to come back to what I want to live with and I mean LIVE and be thrilled in it.
sometimes I think I am an uninteresting and appropriate liar- which stems from being inappropriate and then overcompensating.
I went to Ali's show tonight-comedyimprov-and met Sachi's friend Benny who looks like a somewhat dorkier and prettier miniature version of Elad, who is miraculously also a drummer. And a painter. And absurd and frank and sweet.
And young.
And of course I flirted until I got tired and I knew very well the whole time that he reminded me of Elad. And he is obviously in love with Sachi, so there is of course nothing doing. But it was an interesting interaction to observe.
My sister loves me. I feel completely unworthy. Yes it's true. I feel definitely unworthy of love right now.
selfish,critical,distracted,superficial/flighty,and I don't know what I want. Hey. At least and I am pretty and I can sing. That should last me about a month with any guy I choose. How yucky is that. But I don't know what I want.
I want to not hold back, not withold be myself and take risks. sigh. I want to be empaled on my own life.
my desktop photo right now is a naked picture of me. Yes it is true. And not obscene and I really like it. Just about as much as I like the clownfish in the anemones desktop.
Anyway. I should go to sleap.
which is almost like "sleep", but spelled with an 'a'.
Do you know, I am even a tease to myself? I rarely give myself what I want. Only what I think I want in the moment.
I haven't really thought that through, but it's probably a good percentage true.