so yeah
Im pretty well convinced that this is the worst period of time in my life. I'm having a baby in about 2 mths and I'm depressed, alone, worthless, and in huge amounts of debt. I owe john's parents $750 I owe my mom $1250, I have no money for rent, car insurance, cell phone bills or food and gas for next mth, so I'll be starting april owing $750 on top of what I owe our parents. I have no more worker comp checks coming (even though I expected one this week), and my second job just informed me that I will not be working for them until July (due to my pregnancy). I know that at hot topic I need to work at least 15hrs a week to pay rent, phone and car insurance, but last week I only have 9 this week i have 14 and next week I have 9, so on top of all the debt im already incurring I am not even making enough to think I will have some money saved to recap what I need to get back on track. I told John that I think I will need to move back in with my parents, he said that I'm worrying too much, but like really the MATH doesnt add up, and that just lead to a big fight about how if I moved out he would take Terra from me and have me put back in the psych ward, and I told him I would flee the state before I gave birth so he couldn't take my baby. I feel like I get no help from John, and most of our debt is from me bailing him out of jail. He hasnt looked for a second job, or tried to sell his drum stuff, or built anything to sell (although he has worked on personal projects). tonight I asked about how much we spend on gas a month and he couldn't even tell me, like dude how do you not keep track? (I dont usually put gas in the car but i usually contribute about $25-$40 a mth) he says he thinks he spends about $25-$50 a week, I think that is an insane amount, we have a suzuki aerio gas (in my opinion) shouldnt be that much, i also have brought up about a million times that HE spends $15/wk on tobacco, when I have basically had to drop our food budget to $15-$20 per week because I cant afford more (so now I NEED to get to the food pantry every weds or we DONT have food). I wish I had the luxury of spending $15 a week on ANYTHING for myself. Instead I have to give up things I love to try to stay a float. I'm currently deciding if it would really be that bad to be a nude model or to take kink pics, even though I would find it degrading to myself to do so, but would I find that degrading myself to make my family work be worth the shame and guilt? I cant do this for much longer and once Terra is here we will just be further behind, and I feel I owe her better. I dont have a birthing plan yet, and I havent taking any sort of birthing classes (mostly because I cant afford them) and I'm feeling very stressed and unprepared for birth in general, I am also telling my body that I must be working until at least june 4 and it must get better by july 1st (at the most im hoping for a 2week recovery) because I need to be back to work AND applying for another job by then (I know that I will not be hired now being so close to my due date) I just cant take this anymore, since I've gotten pregnant it's been nothing but broken bones, loss of work, drama with john's ex, john going to jail, and financial ruin. I dont know what to do or where to turn but things are really bad here.