Better but really not
I know I'm going to be pathetic right now but I'd give anything to have Lori back. I know I don't want to give her up. I wish we were so passionate and in love again. I can remember making out at the stop light. I can still hear her laughing from me tickling her. But I know it can't be so right now.
I walked around work today as a shell. All that was there was my body. I just didn't care. I talked to a couple of the guys and they all offered a couple beers after work but I turned them down for now. I'll probably hang out with Jay and Pope Friday night which means alcohol. Right now, it doesn't seem like such a bad thing. I'll at least get some calories in me. Then again, I don't know if I'll be able to drink. I haven't been able to eat much.
I am doing better. Or I was. Then wasn't. Now sorta. I mean, Friday night I really wasn't functional. I woke up Saturday morning around 6:30 and cried. I woke up to cry. Isn't that sick? Then I wandered around the house (which is mighty small). Then I cried some more and slept. When I woke up, I cried and then tried to take a shower. The hot water should have made me feel better but instead it was worse. Every moment I took in breath, a new memory showed itself. And every time I broke out in tears worse than I had before until I was lying on the flour of the shower with this scalding water running over me. Somehow I made it out of there. I calmed down briefly.
I started writing to Lori. I wrote like I should have all along. I wrote like she always asked me too. I shared my feelings. I shared how deeply I was hurting inside. I wanted to fill up the whole thing. I wanted to write a book of my love for her (as this book was supposed to be) but I couldn't. I stopped when she came home and I had her read it. I could barely speak to her as I kept crying so much. I would gasp for air amidst my sobs. But as she talked me I did calm down so much. I felt so much better.
Afterwards we ate soup and bread together and it was good. We actually just talked like old friends, not shattered lovers. I just keep asking myself why I couldn't have done these things before. Why didn't I just sit and talk to her? Why did I pour out my emotions? Why couldn't I cry for her? Do those things really mean we didn't belong together anymore? Perhaps we are better as friends.
Don't get me wrong. I hurt tremendously inside. I really feel like I am missing half my soul. There is no more accurate or honest description. My only comfort has actually been Lori. When she came home and we actually spoke for a while, I feel her happiness and that brought me some joy. I was so glad to see her happy when she hadn't been in so long. I do wish I had known so much sooner how unhappy she really was. Maybe I could have done something. I know its late for that now but I can always dream. I did tell her to follow her heart and find happiness (although I'm sure everyone really did tell her that too) and that's what she did. I know that she truly did not wish to hurt me. She did make me so happy for so long. I wish I could have done the same.
Lastly, Lori, if you are actually reading this or back on LJ, let me know, please.
I walked around work today as a shell. All that was there was my body. I just didn't care. I talked to a couple of the guys and they all offered a couple beers after work but I turned them down for now. I'll probably hang out with Jay and Pope Friday night which means alcohol. Right now, it doesn't seem like such a bad thing. I'll at least get some calories in me. Then again, I don't know if I'll be able to drink. I haven't been able to eat much.
I am doing better. Or I was. Then wasn't. Now sorta. I mean, Friday night I really wasn't functional. I woke up Saturday morning around 6:30 and cried. I woke up to cry. Isn't that sick? Then I wandered around the house (which is mighty small). Then I cried some more and slept. When I woke up, I cried and then tried to take a shower. The hot water should have made me feel better but instead it was worse. Every moment I took in breath, a new memory showed itself. And every time I broke out in tears worse than I had before until I was lying on the flour of the shower with this scalding water running over me. Somehow I made it out of there. I calmed down briefly.
I started writing to Lori. I wrote like I should have all along. I wrote like she always asked me too. I shared my feelings. I shared how deeply I was hurting inside. I wanted to fill up the whole thing. I wanted to write a book of my love for her (as this book was supposed to be) but I couldn't. I stopped when she came home and I had her read it. I could barely speak to her as I kept crying so much. I would gasp for air amidst my sobs. But as she talked me I did calm down so much. I felt so much better.
Afterwards we ate soup and bread together and it was good. We actually just talked like old friends, not shattered lovers. I just keep asking myself why I couldn't have done these things before. Why didn't I just sit and talk to her? Why did I pour out my emotions? Why couldn't I cry for her? Do those things really mean we didn't belong together anymore? Perhaps we are better as friends.
Don't get me wrong. I hurt tremendously inside. I really feel like I am missing half my soul. There is no more accurate or honest description. My only comfort has actually been Lori. When she came home and we actually spoke for a while, I feel her happiness and that brought me some joy. I was so glad to see her happy when she hadn't been in so long. I do wish I had known so much sooner how unhappy she really was. Maybe I could have done something. I know its late for that now but I can always dream. I did tell her to follow her heart and find happiness (although I'm sure everyone really did tell her that too) and that's what she did. I know that she truly did not wish to hurt me. She did make me so happy for so long. I wish I could have done the same.
Lastly, Lori, if you are actually reading this or back on LJ, let me know, please.