(no subject)
I'm sure of it, the only thing constant in life is change.
Sure, I "knew" it before, just as one can say that they "know" something that they have heard about, but not yet experienced.
"To know and not yet to do is not yet to know," they say in my dojo.
One of the things I've been trying to do as of the past year is to be able to change as is necessary to the situations that life chooses to send my way. It's not one of those things that there is a class for, but rather one of those things that you get on the job training for.
It just seems that my job doesn't let up.
Too many changes have happened to me in the past year. I've broken up with a woman who was, and still is, very significant to me. Her lover hurt me in a way I hadn't given him credit for being able to do. I've become physically seperated from all the people who were important to me, and, if all that weren't enough, it's time to start living in the "real world", as people in college put it.
Fortunately, I've also realized truer friends in people I would have ever dreamed of, and my blood family has been there to support me through all this shit in ways I didn't think they would have, either. I've realized that what I want to do is fight, as a mixed martial arts fighter, perhaps one day in the UFC or in PRIDE. Perhaps my goal is to be a starving artist, but a starving martial artist, wandering from fight to fight, making just enough to eat, hack, train, and make my way to the next fight. Sounds like fun. :)
Those are the external changes, the changes in my situation.
I guess we can categorize the other changes two ways: what I do, and what has been done to me.
My friends have taught me to love those around me, and others have taught me to love even my enemies. And so that has been what I have continually strove to do. I have remained faithful to Linda, changing even the way I deal with every woman in my life, such that I remain monogamous for her. I have advised Zephie to try to work things out with Roger, and not cast him aside, even though he is a fuckstick. I have continued to give 100% to everything that I do. In my steps, I have not faltered.
It's everything on the inside that is tumultuous.
Yes, I do good deeds, but I don't feel good. Yes, I continue to live my life and do what I have to do, but I still mourn for everything that I have lost. Yes, I do the good things that I've mentioned above, but it feels like someone else is doing them. I don't want to be monogamous; I want to be with someone who understands how I love. I don't want to give Roger my blessing; I want to hurt him like he hurt me.
On the outside, I get done what has to get done. On the inside, it another story entirely. Some nights, it's too much to deal with. I just want someone I love there with me. I used to have that, and that has been the hardest change to deal with; having to take care of everything on my own. I was hoping that I would be able to face this world with someone by my side, but we don't always get what we want. Yes, I know that there are people out there on the internet who say they care, and I'm not putting down what they have been for me. But I need them here, with me.
Either that, or I need to learn how to not need them here. Guess it's going to be the latter.
Sure, I "knew" it before, just as one can say that they "know" something that they have heard about, but not yet experienced.
"To know and not yet to do is not yet to know," they say in my dojo.
One of the things I've been trying to do as of the past year is to be able to change as is necessary to the situations that life chooses to send my way. It's not one of those things that there is a class for, but rather one of those things that you get on the job training for.
It just seems that my job doesn't let up.
Too many changes have happened to me in the past year. I've broken up with a woman who was, and still is, very significant to me. Her lover hurt me in a way I hadn't given him credit for being able to do. I've become physically seperated from all the people who were important to me, and, if all that weren't enough, it's time to start living in the "real world", as people in college put it.
Fortunately, I've also realized truer friends in people I would have ever dreamed of, and my blood family has been there to support me through all this shit in ways I didn't think they would have, either. I've realized that what I want to do is fight, as a mixed martial arts fighter, perhaps one day in the UFC or in PRIDE. Perhaps my goal is to be a starving artist, but a starving martial artist, wandering from fight to fight, making just enough to eat, hack, train, and make my way to the next fight. Sounds like fun. :)
Those are the external changes, the changes in my situation.
I guess we can categorize the other changes two ways: what I do, and what has been done to me.
My friends have taught me to love those around me, and others have taught me to love even my enemies. And so that has been what I have continually strove to do. I have remained faithful to Linda, changing even the way I deal with every woman in my life, such that I remain monogamous for her. I have advised Zephie to try to work things out with Roger, and not cast him aside, even though he is a fuckstick. I have continued to give 100% to everything that I do. In my steps, I have not faltered.
It's everything on the inside that is tumultuous.
Yes, I do good deeds, but I don't feel good. Yes, I continue to live my life and do what I have to do, but I still mourn for everything that I have lost. Yes, I do the good things that I've mentioned above, but it feels like someone else is doing them. I don't want to be monogamous; I want to be with someone who understands how I love. I don't want to give Roger my blessing; I want to hurt him like he hurt me.
On the outside, I get done what has to get done. On the inside, it another story entirely. Some nights, it's too much to deal with. I just want someone I love there with me. I used to have that, and that has been the hardest change to deal with; having to take care of everything on my own. I was hoping that I would be able to face this world with someone by my side, but we don't always get what we want. Yes, I know that there are people out there on the internet who say they care, and I'm not putting down what they have been for me. But I need them here, with me.
Either that, or I need to learn how to not need them here. Guess it's going to be the latter.