(no subject)
today i cried a lot, until my mascara ran and my eyes were red and puffy. it didn't help. like every other week, i told my therapist i feel trapped and stuck and lonely. she said it was hard to see me so sad; she's really lovely and genuine, the best therapist ive had yet, i like talking to her. my parents are unhappy with me, they dont trust me, i can see why. dad nearly hit me with the stolen wine he found in my room tonight, raised the bottle and decided against it. the idea, the hope, that i had, that was pulling me through, has all but been evaporated and this time, unlike most, i can say i actually fought and tried and was blockaded.. rejected. he doesn't know that i love him, the impact hes had on me, the effect he had on me as the first adult who ever told me i was smart and capable deserved to be well; 'a good kid.' my throat hurts, my tummy hurts, my heart hurts, i can't write. i can eat though, i can always eat. the scars on my arms aren't fading as predicted and on wednesday night i burnt my thighs, both thighs. it didnt help. talking and writing arent helping, it just makes me sad because ive done a lot of both and progression hasnt occured. i dont know what i want or need. i hate being burdensome. i hate being down. my dreams are scaring me. im running out of outlets.