"as freedom is a breakfastfood" - 2
"as freedom is a breakfastfood"
kai/d.o/krystal, au, pg, 4875 words
eighteen is an age of badly made decisions and irreversible ups and downs. jongin, soojung, and kyungsoo navigate their last year of high school.
as hatracks into peachtrees grow
or hopes dance best on bald men’s hair
and every finger is a toe
and any courage is a fear
-long enough and just so long
will the impure think all things pure
and hornets wail by children stung
“So,” Ms. Hong doesn’t look away from her computer screen, and Soojung places her chin on the edge of the table, “tell me what you want to do in the future. And sit up straight, we don’t want the dean walking in and thinking that we’re all palsy and stuff.”
She sits up and props her cheek up on an arm. “Well, I was thinking of going to art school in Seoul.”
“Which university?” Ms. Hong says and pushes her glasses back up. “Any particular department?”
Soojung groans and kicks her feet around. “I’m not too sure, but I think Seoul is definitely my destination.”
“Incheon’s pretty good too,” her homeroom teacher points out, and finally takes the time to look at her. Soojung has had her as her homeroom teacher forever, and she feels comfortable enough to be whining in front of her. Ms. Hong sounds more serious this time, though. “Is Seoul really your only option?”
Soojung thinks it over. “I mean, I want to see the world. I know Incheon’s home, but sometimes home is a little too safe? I want to see what I can do with myself. I want to be adventurous.” Her sister is a very good example. Sooyeon has never been afraid to do anything.
Ms. Hong looks at her and nods slightly. “Maybe you should do some research into schools, and then figure out what sort of art school is the best for you. You should have a definite direction, because that really helps.”
Soojung answers slowly. “I know. But…” She hesitates, and Ms. Hong motions for her to continue. “You know. Mom.”
Ms. Hong lets out a knowing sound and Soojung’s head drops. It’s not her mother’s fault or anything, but she knows that there’s a silent sort of agreement that she should stay with her parents because her mom is so chronically ill. Her mother hasn’t said anything of the sort before, but Soojung knows. It’s not right to leave her in Incheon while she’s out there in Seoul. But what about dreams? Eighteen year olds have those.
“I think you should talk it over with your parents.” Ms. Hong says. “Discuss your plans. You can only really put your heart into things if your parents are fully committed to being behind you all the way. And I know you’re talented, Soojung. You can do this.”
They talk a bit more about what she has to do for art school applications, before Soojung takes her leave. She says hi to Seulgi, who is waiting outside for her turn, and walks out into the late afternoon sun. It’s only been an hour since school has ended, but the grounds are empty. Everyone is either in the study rooms or at club meetings, most probably, but Soojung takes out her phone and dials Jongin anyway.
“Hello?” She frowns for a moment at the voice. This isn’t Jongin. “Kyungsoo?”
“Hey. Jongin’s at practice now. He asked me to hold on to his stuff, so…” Kyungsoo trails off and Soojung asks if they’re at the soccer field. He says yes, and she turns towards where it is. “If you’re looking for him, though?”
“Nah, I’m coming over now.” She says and realises that this is the first time she and Kyungsoo are actually having a chat on the phone. It’s always just been Jongin and her, but now Soojung remembers feeling guilty and decides to do something about it. “Do you want anything?”
He says no, but Soojung makes her way to the convenience store anyway.
____________
Soojung hands him an open packet of Skittles, and Kyungsoo shakes them out into his palm. “Thanks,” he says, but she waves her hand nonchalantly.
“You know, he’s the least attractive person in the world, but on the field…” Soojung says thoughtfully, and Kyungsoo waits for her to finish her sentence, but she doesn’t.
“I’m sure most of the girls in our year would disagree with you on that count.” He laughs and places a Skittle on each paragraph in his Chemistry textbook. It’s a reward system that he found online. Eat one every time you finish revising a paragraph. Get rewarded only when you accomplish something. Kyungsoo thinks it works for him quite well.
“That’s because they haven’t seen him running around pantsless before.” Soojung turns her nose up and empties another handful of Skittles into her mouth. Kyungsoo concedes her the point. “Did you know that Seungwan used to have a crush on him?”
“What?”
“Yeah,” Soojung nods sagely, “I put her out of her misery by showing her old home videos.”
Oh, those. Kyungsoo agrees that they’re very revealing about Jongin as a child, and laughs. He tries to go back to reading his Chemistry chapter, but the sun is too bright and Soojung is too near. He squints for a while, and then just puts a red Skittle into his mouth anyway.
“How was your college counselling session?” He asks.
“Helpful.” Soojung leans back on her hands and he sees that she’s watching Jongin dribble across the field. “But I don’t know. What are eighteen year olds supposed to know, anyway?”
“Everything and nothing.” Kyungsoo says quietly. Soojung turns to him and gives him a look. “I mean. Everything for our exams, and nothing that the adults are supposed to know for us.”
Soojung lets out a sigh and pulls her legs up onto her seat. “I really, really want to go to Seoul. But…”
She trails off. Kyungsoo has known about Soojung’s desire to go to Seoul for a long time now, but he hasn’t seen this wistful look on her before. She’s a lot of things, enthusiasm and exuberance, but never wistful. He has figured out too many things that he hadn’t noticed before today.
“Hey.” He says and she peers at him from across her knees. “I’m sure Seoul wants you too.”
Soojung is quiet for a moment, before she laughs. “You really do say the nicest things, Kyungsoo.” He smiles back, while she hands him the packet of Skittles again and pats him on the shoulder. It sends an odd sort of shiver down his side, and reminds him of Jongin’s iPod playlist.
“I say things that are true.” He says a little too shakily but Soojung doesn’t notice. “And also what people want to hear, but still.”
Soojung scowls and hits him. He laughs, but it doesn’t sound as hollow as he knows it is inside.
____________
Jongin can see that it’s Soojung and Kyungsoo on the bleachers, but he cannot figure out what they are doing together. He stares until something hits him in the shin at full velocity and he collapses on the green, howling in pain.
“What the hell are you doing?” Sehun, his fellow striker, rushes up to him and proceeds to kick him in the other shin. “Don’t be staring off at the side when you’re at practice!”
Jongin rolls on his side and flips him the finger. Sehun serves him one right back. “You asshole, Sehun.”
“Get up already.” Sehun rolls his eyes and offers him a hand. Jongin takes it and stands up. Sehun is jabbering on about safety rules and proper soccer conduct, but Jongin keeps looking at the bleachers. Soojung has her knees drawn up and Kyungsoo isn’t even looking at his textbook. They seem to be in deep conversation. Well, Soojung is really into making amends now, he thinks. There is a small knot in the depths of his stomach, but Sehun elbows him in the exact same position and Jongin forgets about it immediately. “Are you even listening to me?”
“Shut up, Oh.” He mutters and Sehun scowls. “Practice.”
They go back to dribbling, but Jongin still steals looks whenever he can. It’s so odd, though, because they never used to be this close. It is always just him and Soojung, then him and Kyungsoo. Soojung and Kyungsoo… he aims and the ball flies cleanly into the goal. They’re friends, but it’s just so, so weird to see them together like this.
“Why are you on my team?” Sehun grumbles in the locker room when they’re done with practice. “Why do I have a teammate who doesn’t concentrate in practice?”
“Stop,” he holds up a hand and Sehun throws him a dirty look. “Let us not go into the details of how you were so lovesick when Sohee nuna refused to give you her number our freshman year.”
Sehun flushes a deep red and everyone else around them laughs. Jinyoung, their midfielder, claps a hand on Jongin’s shoulder. “Was that Soojung on the bleachers today?” He asks and Jongin nods, a little suspiciously.
“Ok, so.” Jinyoung clears his throat and leads him a little further away from where the guys have converged on Sehun now. Jongin can see Sehun’s slightly panicked face as their captain demands details on Sohee. “Like, can you give me her number?”
What? Jongin gives him an incredulous look. Jinyoung simply smiles back awkwardly. Jinyoung isn’t in their class (they’re in the English, while Jinyoung’s in the Japanese), so Jongin finds completely no reason as to why he even needs to know what Soojung’s number is. He contemplates denying him on the spot, but for the sake of soccer camaraderie he doesn’t.
“Uh, why?” He tries to keep his voice level, but Jinyoung seems unnaturally excited.
“Um. Just like, I really need it.” Jinyoung says and Jongin calls bullshit. There’s no need to know her number, he debates with himself. “It’s super important, so if you could just help a bro out?”
Jongin frowns. “Yeah, if the bro would just tell his bro what the entire thing is for, then maybe his bro would be able to help the bro out?”
Jinyoung then has the nerve to blush a bright red. He takes a deep breath and Jongin kind of wants to not hear what he has to say. But he stays anyway. “Ok,” Jinyoung begins and actually stutters, “just as long as you promise not to tell anyone.”
Jongin nods slowly but he’s a hundred percent sure that if Jinyoung has any designs on Soojung, he’s going to be out there actively stopping it from happening. Even if he has to do it personally to a bro.
“Well…” Jinyoung lets out a very deep breath. “You know how she’s in the radio broadcasting club with Bae Suji?”
Bae Suji. That’s one of Soojung’s good friends, the one she’s always on duty with for radio broadcasting days. Jongin can practically hear the relief rushing out of him. Jinyoung is talking about how wonderful Suji is and how much he’d like to talk to her, but because he’s not very good with his words, and since Jongin’s such good friends with Soojung, maybe he could help a bro out?
“Dude,” Jongin says, “I have Suji’s number.”
Jinyoung squeals.
____________
The days segue into each other, but Soojung works on her watercolours after two more meetings with Ms. Hong. Mr. Kang, her art teacher, puts her on a schedule that requires a painting almost every week, but Soojung enjoys it. Her parents are supportive, and even Sooyeon calls from California to offer advice.
“I suck at painting, but hey. Do what makes you happy.” Sooyeon tells her on Skype, and Soojung tries. Her parents don’t say a word of anything to discourage her, but Soojung takes her mom’s blood pressure a few times more often during the day now. Maybe she’s trying to make up, but she doesn’t want to know exactly why either. Soojung is trying to focus.
She ends up on the roof of their apartment complex one night. The theme of the week is “night”, and she goes up to where she can see the night sky the best. She and Jongin have been playing up here ever since they were kids, and Soojung has singlehandedly constructed a little hideout out of her old plastic playhouse and a few pieces of transparent hard plastic. She sets her easel in front of the playhouse, and tries to picture something.
Incheon is a big city, but not as big as Seoul. They can still see the stars here. Soojung leans back on her foldable chair and spreads out her arms. Maybe she can embrace the stars if she tries. She stops. What a dumb thought. It’s so eighteen, she thinks, and sits back up straight.
“First,” she says aloud to nobody, “let us squeeze the paint.”
“If I haven’t known you all your life, I might just think you’re loose up in the head.” She jumps and turns around to find Jongin standing in the doorway of the stairwell, arms full of snacks and his iPod sticking out of his hoodie’s pocket.
“That would be you, my friend.” She makes a face at him. “Come over, I need those chips.”
Jongin ambles over and sprawls himself on the ground. Soojung picks up one of the chip bags and rips it open. He opens his mouth automatically, and she scowls, but still sprinkles a handful in for him anyway. Soojung chews on her own and contemplates how to begin.
“Your mom says you’ve been up here for half an hour.” Jongin says and she nods, biting on her lower lip. Still no idea on how to start. “And you still have nothing?”
“This isn’t as easy as you think it is, ok.” Soojung pushes his head away. “Mr. Kang wants a theme, and like, how do I make it incredible enough that the art departments will be all fighting over who gets to take me in?”
Jongin stays silent for a moment. “Why wouldn’t they do that now already?”
Soojung looks at him, and laughs. “Nice try, Jongin.” She sighs and opens up her box of watercolours. Jongin pushes her bowl of water over, and she applies some of the navy onto her colour board. “I really have no idea what I’m doing right now.”
Jongin yawns and feeds her another chip. “Isn’t art always like this though? You vaguely work towards your goal. I mean, life is generally like that.”
“Kyungsoo is the exact opposite of vague.” Soojung points out, and Jongin seems to momentarily freeze. But it’s gone very fast, and he immediately shrugs. “But yeah, you’re kind of right. Even though you make all of us art students sound like intentionally hipster children.”
He grins, and Soojung has to as well. “You’re my favourite intentionally hipster hipster. Just so you know.”
She brandishes her paintbrush at him, and Jongin avoids with all the dexterity that he has cultivated over the years they’ve been best friends. Soojung turns back to her easel and tries to imagine something. Anything. The skies pan out above her and she has no idea what to do. All she can hear is Jongin crunching on the chips and the whooshing sound when he opens a bottle of their favourite soda.
“Here,” she’s hanging her head in defeat when he puts an earbud into her left ear, “some inspiration.”
So they sit, her on her little chair and him on the concrete ground, and listen to the short, sharp beats of drums and the slightly synthesised voice of the lead singer. It’s a contrast to the relative silence of the rooftop. Feels a lot like being on the cusp of teenagerhood and not knowing what to do. Soojung closes her eyes and when she opens them to look down at Jongin, he’s already looking up at her.
He tugs at her sleeve. It’s spring now. Perfect for stargazing. “Better?” Jongin says, and she tilts her head. The music still pounds in her left ear. She gets off the chair and settles down next to him. Jongin leans in naturally. Too naturally. Soojung realises that quite suddenly but it doesn’t unsettle her.
“Maybe.” She says quietly and moves in a bit closer. It’s a good moment. Soojung doesn’t want to spoil it. They keep sitting until the bustle of the evening has slowed down, and Soojung gazes into the distance. The songs have changed two times now, but Jongin’s taste is impeccable. Who’s the hipster now, really, she thinks and smiles.
“I may-” She turns around too quickly and Jongin is looking at her more intensely than she has ever seen him be, and her voice dies in her throat. “Just-”
He doesn’t say anything, but she can feel his fingers just touching the spaces between hers. Soojung lets go of her paintbrush. His fingers fold in. It feels so strangely right. She doesn’t say anything. What is there to be said? It’s so oddly correct. So Soojung just keeps listening and doesn’t mind that nothing gets painted tonight.
____________
Kyungsoo is carrying the stack of midterm Geography tests back to their homeroom when Ms. Hong calls out to him. He waddles backwards to the desk and does a bow as well as he can with forty papers in his arms.
“Look,” Ms. Hong turns the computer towards him, “a scholarship fund has just been set up for Math Olympiad competitors. Aren’t you on the school team?”
Kyungsoo nods very slowly. He is an active member, but he’s also on the school orchestra and school magazine committee. “Is this… related to me in any way?” He asks and shifts the weight from his left to the right.
“Yeah.” His homeroom teacher says. “You’re number one on the team. I think you should go for this.”
He hesitates, but Ms. Hong forges on. “The scholarship covers you if you’re planning to do anything related to mathematics. Didn’t you say you wanted to go into that in college? Plus, they seem to not mind if you’re studying here or elsewhere. It’s a really good opportunity, Kyungsoo.”
“I’m… not sure yet.” He offers, and Ms. Hong simply asks him for his email. Kyungsoo gives it to her, and watches as she forwards the email message to him. He can feel his phone buzz in his pocket. It’s an attractive offer, but Kyungsoo’s not sure if he can match up.
“You don’t have to be sure.” Ms. Hong has her back turned to him, now rummaging through some boxes on the floor. “You just have to try. That’s what your youth is for.”
He thinks about it for a long while, even after he’s exited the teachers’ office and walking back towards their classroom. Just randomly trying things is not in his personality. Kyungsoo is grounded and well planned. Doing things on a whim seems to be more of Soojung’s forte. He and Jongin get along so well because they’re careful, he infinitely more so than Jongin, but nonetheless still cautious. Soojung throws that to the winds.
“Sup.” Jongin slides in smoothly beside him as they enter the classroom together. “Is that what I think it is?”
He flips the paper on the top over. “Don’t even think about it.”
“I’m a good student.” Jongin clucks his tongue. “And I studied for the test!”
“You mean you slept for the first three hours and stared at your textbook for the next half?” Kyungsoo puts the stack down on the teacher’s table and asks. Jongin scratches the back of his head and shrugs. The thing is, Jongin’s not a bad student. He’s rather bright, so Kyungsoo can’t understand why he’s not putting in his best effort. “Jongin. Not the way to go, man.”
“At least I studied. English was a hot mess.” Jongin yawns and they walk back to their seats together. It’s break time, and most of their classmates are at the convenience store. He’s surprised that Jongin isn’t, before he promptly informs him that Soojung is running errands for him today because she lost at rock, paper, scissors. “She’s such a loser.”
His eyes are too gentle for that to be a genuine insult. Kyungsoo notes that with a little discomfort. He’s been trying not to overreact for a while now, but something seems to be different between the two of them. Kyungsoo has never liked change. It’s something he can’t control, and being out of control is the worst thing that can ever happen to him. It already has, once.
“You’re the loser.” Soojung thumps a can of soda down on Jongin’s table and tries to smack him on the shoulder, but Jongin catches her hand before it happens. Kyungsoo sees him hold and linger for longer than usual. “Hi Kyungsoo.”
“Hey.” He says and wants to bite his tongue for sounding so out of it. “Ready for the test?”
“Never.” Soojung sighs and pulls open the bag of biscuits that she’s holding. “Geography is really not my thing. And I’ve been painting for the past few forevers. Do I have time to revise stuff about the Amazon? I don’t think so.”
“Jongin’s here to cushion the bottom.” He says with a laugh. Soojung slaps Jongin’s shoulder. It’s not as hard as she usually does. Kyungsoo looks at her, then back at Jongin, then at his knees. It’s an odd, odd feeling of being left in the dark.
“Whatever.” Jongin reaches back and stretches. Soojung mimics him. “Ms. Hong already has it in her head that I’ll just go play soccer for Inha or something.”
Their school soccer team’s coach is a student of the Inha University main coach, and Jongin has already been asked twice to join the college students at training. Kyungsoo doesn’t understand why it’s a bad choice, but Jongin always says it’s sort of complicated. It’s not at all to him. All Jongin has to do is decide if he wants it or not.
“Yeah, and what’s wrong with that?” Soojung asks pointedly. “Inha’s great.”
“My dad’s from Yonsei. Ji-in nuna went to Yonsei. Jae-in nuna graduated from Yonsei. Tell me what’s wrong with Inha again?” Jongin rattles off and grabs a biscuit from Soojung’s open packet.
“Then why did your family even move to Incheon?” Soojung asks again and puts the bag of biscuits into his hands. “I mean, I love your parents, but this doesn’t make sense.”
“Because Dad is teaching at Inha. I know how this sounds like, but yeah. Complicated. It’s some Yonsei pride thing that I don’t even know how to begin to describe.” Jongin laughs, and Soojung shakes her head. Kyungsoo tries to make sense of the entire situation. It’s difficult though, because his father doesn’t seem as invested in his future as Jongin’s dad is. All he wants is a brand name. American, mostly.
“What about you?” Soojung turns to him. “I’m sure Ms. Hong had lots of suggestions for you.”
“Um.” He begins and falters. Jongin looks like he’s listening expectantly. “I… haven’t really decided yet.”
“That translates to I’m going to Seoul National and nobody’s stopping me.” Jongin guffaws and Soojung rolls her eyes. “Seriously though. If they don’t take you that’s really messed up. Have you ever seen someone refuse Kyungsoo before?”
Kyungsoo swallows hard but nobody notices.
____________
“Your coach called me,” his father says as they watch television after dinner on a Saturday, “and told me that Yonsei’s head coach wants to see you.”
Jongin pauses and turns around. His father nods proudly. He turns back around and focuses on the variety programme again. “Okay. That came out of nowhere.”
“Can you be a little more enthusiastic?” His father prods and pretends to be cross. Jongin knows, of course, how happy his dad must be about Yonsei calling him up as a potential. He’s happy too. Possibly. Jongin can’t really find the words to describe the sinking knot in his stomach right now. “He says that he can arrange a meeting as soon as possible. Doesn’t the team have a Seoul training in two weeks?”
That is true. Jongin remembers Sehun jabbering nonstop about how it’s damn time, and how they have too little free time off because that translates to potentially not meeting Sohee nuna, yadda yadda. Now he doesn’t want to go very much anymore. Seoul’s not that attractive to him. Jongin’s never understood the allure of that city he was born but not raised in too much. But he can’t tell his dad that.
“Yeah, but-” he halts and his father waits for him to finish his sentence. Jongin blinks. “I mean. Okay. When do we do this?”
His father rattles off more details about the meeting, and Jongin takes it in halfheartedly. After the programme is done, he brings the plates into the kitchen, helps his mother wash them, and then heads back to his room. He locks the door behind him and flings himself onto his bed.
“It’s such a good opportunity.” He says out loud to himself. It really is.
He flips over on his stomach and buries his face in his pillow for a while. Jongin thinks about all the pros and cons and tries writing a list. But he can’t get past the first two, and even then his head hurts and he wants to stop. So he flips back around and stares at his digital clock. There is a Polaroid picture of him and Soojung as twelve year olds stuck on it. She’s smiling and he’s making a funny face and they look so happy simply because they are twelve and it’s Jongin’s birthday.
All of his memories are in Incheon. This is it. Jongin thinks about everything that has happened here, everything that has made him the person he is today, and the thought of Yonsei and its head coach presses the knot even deeper into his stomach.
____________
The school soccer team heads up to Seoul in a chartered bus, and Jongin sleeps most of the way with Jackson, their defender and son of Hong Kong immigrants and owners of the best Chinese restaurant near their school, chattering next to him. It’s not a very long trip, and soon they pile into the hostel that the school has booked. Jongin is about to drift off back to sleep again, when he remembers to check his phone.
One is from Soojung (“bottle me some Seoul air”), another is from Kyungsoo (“remember to do your research for our English presentation”), one more from his mother (“don’t get injured!”), and the last from his oldest sister, Jae-in (“heard you’re in Seoul, punk. Call me!”). Jongin replies all of them with a “yes” because he really wants to go to bed, but calls Jae-in in the end, also because he knows what it means if her instructions are not followed.
“Nuna,” he wails as soon as she picks up, “I really need to sleep.”
“You can do that as soon as we set a time for dinner,” she says smoothly and Jongin groans. Somewhere in the background a baby is yelling quite happily. Jae-in makes him promise to meet after their second day of training ends, and Jongin promises, and then he gets to go to bed. Before he closes his eyes he contemplates calling Soojung. But it’s midnight, and she’s probably working on her painting, he rationalises. His finger still hovers above the dial button, however, but Sehun bursts in with Jackson the next moment, and Jongin quickly shoves his phone under his pillow.
Over the next two days their coach works them to the bone. Jongin can’t remember how many times he’s run laps around the huge track of the university they’ve been sent to, nor how many goals he’s either shot or missed. It’s all a blur, Sehun’s face melding into Jackson’s, and Jackson’s into Seungyoon’s, and Seungyoon’s into Jinyoung’s. Jongin collapses on the green after their coach blows the whistle, and stares at the blinding flood light of the stadium. The artificial green is prickly on his skin as he hears their coach call for a last meeting before they are dismissed for the day.
“Kim Jongin,” Sehun is jogging circles around him as he sits up and leans back on the balls of his hands, “come on! I want to go and be a real Seoulite, so can you please get your ass off the grass right now?”
Jongin lazily flips him off. Sehun keeps right on jogging. Eventually he does get up when Sehun tries to kick him with the cleat-lined bottom of his shoes, and they all file into the meeting room where their coach is waiting. Jongin listens as he talks about formations, and really working as a team, and how outstanding players work, and eventually their captain Sungjoo leads them in a team cry. He’s about to sprint for the showers when their coach catches him by the shoulder.
“The Yonsei coach wants to see you on the last day of training.” He says, and Jongin’s stomach flips. Still he nods mutely, and their coach gives him a look of encouragement and pride. Jongin doesn’t know how to react to it, so he bows and scurries into the shower room. Jackson is attempting to steal everybody’s clothes, but Jongin takes a power shower and grabs his stuff before Jackson can get to them. He can hear Sehun yelling for Jackson to cut it out when he runs out, hair still wet.
3
kai/d.o/krystal, au, pg, 4875 words
eighteen is an age of badly made decisions and irreversible ups and downs. jongin, soojung, and kyungsoo navigate their last year of high school.
as hatracks into peachtrees grow
or hopes dance best on bald men’s hair
and every finger is a toe
and any courage is a fear
-long enough and just so long
will the impure think all things pure
and hornets wail by children stung
“So,” Ms. Hong doesn’t look away from her computer screen, and Soojung places her chin on the edge of the table, “tell me what you want to do in the future. And sit up straight, we don’t want the dean walking in and thinking that we’re all palsy and stuff.”
She sits up and props her cheek up on an arm. “Well, I was thinking of going to art school in Seoul.”
“Which university?” Ms. Hong says and pushes her glasses back up. “Any particular department?”
Soojung groans and kicks her feet around. “I’m not too sure, but I think Seoul is definitely my destination.”
“Incheon’s pretty good too,” her homeroom teacher points out, and finally takes the time to look at her. Soojung has had her as her homeroom teacher forever, and she feels comfortable enough to be whining in front of her. Ms. Hong sounds more serious this time, though. “Is Seoul really your only option?”
Soojung thinks it over. “I mean, I want to see the world. I know Incheon’s home, but sometimes home is a little too safe? I want to see what I can do with myself. I want to be adventurous.” Her sister is a very good example. Sooyeon has never been afraid to do anything.
Ms. Hong looks at her and nods slightly. “Maybe you should do some research into schools, and then figure out what sort of art school is the best for you. You should have a definite direction, because that really helps.”
Soojung answers slowly. “I know. But…” She hesitates, and Ms. Hong motions for her to continue. “You know. Mom.”
Ms. Hong lets out a knowing sound and Soojung’s head drops. It’s not her mother’s fault or anything, but she knows that there’s a silent sort of agreement that she should stay with her parents because her mom is so chronically ill. Her mother hasn’t said anything of the sort before, but Soojung knows. It’s not right to leave her in Incheon while she’s out there in Seoul. But what about dreams? Eighteen year olds have those.
“I think you should talk it over with your parents.” Ms. Hong says. “Discuss your plans. You can only really put your heart into things if your parents are fully committed to being behind you all the way. And I know you’re talented, Soojung. You can do this.”
They talk a bit more about what she has to do for art school applications, before Soojung takes her leave. She says hi to Seulgi, who is waiting outside for her turn, and walks out into the late afternoon sun. It’s only been an hour since school has ended, but the grounds are empty. Everyone is either in the study rooms or at club meetings, most probably, but Soojung takes out her phone and dials Jongin anyway.
“Hello?” She frowns for a moment at the voice. This isn’t Jongin. “Kyungsoo?”
“Hey. Jongin’s at practice now. He asked me to hold on to his stuff, so…” Kyungsoo trails off and Soojung asks if they’re at the soccer field. He says yes, and she turns towards where it is. “If you’re looking for him, though?”
“Nah, I’m coming over now.” She says and realises that this is the first time she and Kyungsoo are actually having a chat on the phone. It’s always just been Jongin and her, but now Soojung remembers feeling guilty and decides to do something about it. “Do you want anything?”
He says no, but Soojung makes her way to the convenience store anyway.
____________
Soojung hands him an open packet of Skittles, and Kyungsoo shakes them out into his palm. “Thanks,” he says, but she waves her hand nonchalantly.
“You know, he’s the least attractive person in the world, but on the field…” Soojung says thoughtfully, and Kyungsoo waits for her to finish her sentence, but she doesn’t.
“I’m sure most of the girls in our year would disagree with you on that count.” He laughs and places a Skittle on each paragraph in his Chemistry textbook. It’s a reward system that he found online. Eat one every time you finish revising a paragraph. Get rewarded only when you accomplish something. Kyungsoo thinks it works for him quite well.
“That’s because they haven’t seen him running around pantsless before.” Soojung turns her nose up and empties another handful of Skittles into her mouth. Kyungsoo concedes her the point. “Did you know that Seungwan used to have a crush on him?”
“What?”
“Yeah,” Soojung nods sagely, “I put her out of her misery by showing her old home videos.”
Oh, those. Kyungsoo agrees that they’re very revealing about Jongin as a child, and laughs. He tries to go back to reading his Chemistry chapter, but the sun is too bright and Soojung is too near. He squints for a while, and then just puts a red Skittle into his mouth anyway.
“How was your college counselling session?” He asks.
“Helpful.” Soojung leans back on her hands and he sees that she’s watching Jongin dribble across the field. “But I don’t know. What are eighteen year olds supposed to know, anyway?”
“Everything and nothing.” Kyungsoo says quietly. Soojung turns to him and gives him a look. “I mean. Everything for our exams, and nothing that the adults are supposed to know for us.”
Soojung lets out a sigh and pulls her legs up onto her seat. “I really, really want to go to Seoul. But…”
She trails off. Kyungsoo has known about Soojung’s desire to go to Seoul for a long time now, but he hasn’t seen this wistful look on her before. She’s a lot of things, enthusiasm and exuberance, but never wistful. He has figured out too many things that he hadn’t noticed before today.
“Hey.” He says and she peers at him from across her knees. “I’m sure Seoul wants you too.”
Soojung is quiet for a moment, before she laughs. “You really do say the nicest things, Kyungsoo.” He smiles back, while she hands him the packet of Skittles again and pats him on the shoulder. It sends an odd sort of shiver down his side, and reminds him of Jongin’s iPod playlist.
“I say things that are true.” He says a little too shakily but Soojung doesn’t notice. “And also what people want to hear, but still.”
Soojung scowls and hits him. He laughs, but it doesn’t sound as hollow as he knows it is inside.
____________
Jongin can see that it’s Soojung and Kyungsoo on the bleachers, but he cannot figure out what they are doing together. He stares until something hits him in the shin at full velocity and he collapses on the green, howling in pain.
“What the hell are you doing?” Sehun, his fellow striker, rushes up to him and proceeds to kick him in the other shin. “Don’t be staring off at the side when you’re at practice!”
Jongin rolls on his side and flips him the finger. Sehun serves him one right back. “You asshole, Sehun.”
“Get up already.” Sehun rolls his eyes and offers him a hand. Jongin takes it and stands up. Sehun is jabbering on about safety rules and proper soccer conduct, but Jongin keeps looking at the bleachers. Soojung has her knees drawn up and Kyungsoo isn’t even looking at his textbook. They seem to be in deep conversation. Well, Soojung is really into making amends now, he thinks. There is a small knot in the depths of his stomach, but Sehun elbows him in the exact same position and Jongin forgets about it immediately. “Are you even listening to me?”
“Shut up, Oh.” He mutters and Sehun scowls. “Practice.”
They go back to dribbling, but Jongin still steals looks whenever he can. It’s so odd, though, because they never used to be this close. It is always just him and Soojung, then him and Kyungsoo. Soojung and Kyungsoo… he aims and the ball flies cleanly into the goal. They’re friends, but it’s just so, so weird to see them together like this.
“Why are you on my team?” Sehun grumbles in the locker room when they’re done with practice. “Why do I have a teammate who doesn’t concentrate in practice?”
“Stop,” he holds up a hand and Sehun throws him a dirty look. “Let us not go into the details of how you were so lovesick when Sohee nuna refused to give you her number our freshman year.”
Sehun flushes a deep red and everyone else around them laughs. Jinyoung, their midfielder, claps a hand on Jongin’s shoulder. “Was that Soojung on the bleachers today?” He asks and Jongin nods, a little suspiciously.
“Ok, so.” Jinyoung clears his throat and leads him a little further away from where the guys have converged on Sehun now. Jongin can see Sehun’s slightly panicked face as their captain demands details on Sohee. “Like, can you give me her number?”
What? Jongin gives him an incredulous look. Jinyoung simply smiles back awkwardly. Jinyoung isn’t in their class (they’re in the English, while Jinyoung’s in the Japanese), so Jongin finds completely no reason as to why he even needs to know what Soojung’s number is. He contemplates denying him on the spot, but for the sake of soccer camaraderie he doesn’t.
“Uh, why?” He tries to keep his voice level, but Jinyoung seems unnaturally excited.
“Um. Just like, I really need it.” Jinyoung says and Jongin calls bullshit. There’s no need to know her number, he debates with himself. “It’s super important, so if you could just help a bro out?”
Jongin frowns. “Yeah, if the bro would just tell his bro what the entire thing is for, then maybe his bro would be able to help the bro out?”
Jinyoung then has the nerve to blush a bright red. He takes a deep breath and Jongin kind of wants to not hear what he has to say. But he stays anyway. “Ok,” Jinyoung begins and actually stutters, “just as long as you promise not to tell anyone.”
Jongin nods slowly but he’s a hundred percent sure that if Jinyoung has any designs on Soojung, he’s going to be out there actively stopping it from happening. Even if he has to do it personally to a bro.
“Well…” Jinyoung lets out a very deep breath. “You know how she’s in the radio broadcasting club with Bae Suji?”
Bae Suji. That’s one of Soojung’s good friends, the one she’s always on duty with for radio broadcasting days. Jongin can practically hear the relief rushing out of him. Jinyoung is talking about how wonderful Suji is and how much he’d like to talk to her, but because he’s not very good with his words, and since Jongin’s such good friends with Soojung, maybe he could help a bro out?
“Dude,” Jongin says, “I have Suji’s number.”
Jinyoung squeals.
____________
The days segue into each other, but Soojung works on her watercolours after two more meetings with Ms. Hong. Mr. Kang, her art teacher, puts her on a schedule that requires a painting almost every week, but Soojung enjoys it. Her parents are supportive, and even Sooyeon calls from California to offer advice.
“I suck at painting, but hey. Do what makes you happy.” Sooyeon tells her on Skype, and Soojung tries. Her parents don’t say a word of anything to discourage her, but Soojung takes her mom’s blood pressure a few times more often during the day now. Maybe she’s trying to make up, but she doesn’t want to know exactly why either. Soojung is trying to focus.
She ends up on the roof of their apartment complex one night. The theme of the week is “night”, and she goes up to where she can see the night sky the best. She and Jongin have been playing up here ever since they were kids, and Soojung has singlehandedly constructed a little hideout out of her old plastic playhouse and a few pieces of transparent hard plastic. She sets her easel in front of the playhouse, and tries to picture something.
Incheon is a big city, but not as big as Seoul. They can still see the stars here. Soojung leans back on her foldable chair and spreads out her arms. Maybe she can embrace the stars if she tries. She stops. What a dumb thought. It’s so eighteen, she thinks, and sits back up straight.
“First,” she says aloud to nobody, “let us squeeze the paint.”
“If I haven’t known you all your life, I might just think you’re loose up in the head.” She jumps and turns around to find Jongin standing in the doorway of the stairwell, arms full of snacks and his iPod sticking out of his hoodie’s pocket.
“That would be you, my friend.” She makes a face at him. “Come over, I need those chips.”
Jongin ambles over and sprawls himself on the ground. Soojung picks up one of the chip bags and rips it open. He opens his mouth automatically, and she scowls, but still sprinkles a handful in for him anyway. Soojung chews on her own and contemplates how to begin.
“Your mom says you’ve been up here for half an hour.” Jongin says and she nods, biting on her lower lip. Still no idea on how to start. “And you still have nothing?”
“This isn’t as easy as you think it is, ok.” Soojung pushes his head away. “Mr. Kang wants a theme, and like, how do I make it incredible enough that the art departments will be all fighting over who gets to take me in?”
Jongin stays silent for a moment. “Why wouldn’t they do that now already?”
Soojung looks at him, and laughs. “Nice try, Jongin.” She sighs and opens up her box of watercolours. Jongin pushes her bowl of water over, and she applies some of the navy onto her colour board. “I really have no idea what I’m doing right now.”
Jongin yawns and feeds her another chip. “Isn’t art always like this though? You vaguely work towards your goal. I mean, life is generally like that.”
“Kyungsoo is the exact opposite of vague.” Soojung points out, and Jongin seems to momentarily freeze. But it’s gone very fast, and he immediately shrugs. “But yeah, you’re kind of right. Even though you make all of us art students sound like intentionally hipster children.”
He grins, and Soojung has to as well. “You’re my favourite intentionally hipster hipster. Just so you know.”
She brandishes her paintbrush at him, and Jongin avoids with all the dexterity that he has cultivated over the years they’ve been best friends. Soojung turns back to her easel and tries to imagine something. Anything. The skies pan out above her and she has no idea what to do. All she can hear is Jongin crunching on the chips and the whooshing sound when he opens a bottle of their favourite soda.
“Here,” she’s hanging her head in defeat when he puts an earbud into her left ear, “some inspiration.”
So they sit, her on her little chair and him on the concrete ground, and listen to the short, sharp beats of drums and the slightly synthesised voice of the lead singer. It’s a contrast to the relative silence of the rooftop. Feels a lot like being on the cusp of teenagerhood and not knowing what to do. Soojung closes her eyes and when she opens them to look down at Jongin, he’s already looking up at her.
He tugs at her sleeve. It’s spring now. Perfect for stargazing. “Better?” Jongin says, and she tilts her head. The music still pounds in her left ear. She gets off the chair and settles down next to him. Jongin leans in naturally. Too naturally. Soojung realises that quite suddenly but it doesn’t unsettle her.
“Maybe.” She says quietly and moves in a bit closer. It’s a good moment. Soojung doesn’t want to spoil it. They keep sitting until the bustle of the evening has slowed down, and Soojung gazes into the distance. The songs have changed two times now, but Jongin’s taste is impeccable. Who’s the hipster now, really, she thinks and smiles.
“I may-” She turns around too quickly and Jongin is looking at her more intensely than she has ever seen him be, and her voice dies in her throat. “Just-”
He doesn’t say anything, but she can feel his fingers just touching the spaces between hers. Soojung lets go of her paintbrush. His fingers fold in. It feels so strangely right. She doesn’t say anything. What is there to be said? It’s so oddly correct. So Soojung just keeps listening and doesn’t mind that nothing gets painted tonight.
____________
Kyungsoo is carrying the stack of midterm Geography tests back to their homeroom when Ms. Hong calls out to him. He waddles backwards to the desk and does a bow as well as he can with forty papers in his arms.
“Look,” Ms. Hong turns the computer towards him, “a scholarship fund has just been set up for Math Olympiad competitors. Aren’t you on the school team?”
Kyungsoo nods very slowly. He is an active member, but he’s also on the school orchestra and school magazine committee. “Is this… related to me in any way?” He asks and shifts the weight from his left to the right.
“Yeah.” His homeroom teacher says. “You’re number one on the team. I think you should go for this.”
He hesitates, but Ms. Hong forges on. “The scholarship covers you if you’re planning to do anything related to mathematics. Didn’t you say you wanted to go into that in college? Plus, they seem to not mind if you’re studying here or elsewhere. It’s a really good opportunity, Kyungsoo.”
“I’m… not sure yet.” He offers, and Ms. Hong simply asks him for his email. Kyungsoo gives it to her, and watches as she forwards the email message to him. He can feel his phone buzz in his pocket. It’s an attractive offer, but Kyungsoo’s not sure if he can match up.
“You don’t have to be sure.” Ms. Hong has her back turned to him, now rummaging through some boxes on the floor. “You just have to try. That’s what your youth is for.”
He thinks about it for a long while, even after he’s exited the teachers’ office and walking back towards their classroom. Just randomly trying things is not in his personality. Kyungsoo is grounded and well planned. Doing things on a whim seems to be more of Soojung’s forte. He and Jongin get along so well because they’re careful, he infinitely more so than Jongin, but nonetheless still cautious. Soojung throws that to the winds.
“Sup.” Jongin slides in smoothly beside him as they enter the classroom together. “Is that what I think it is?”
He flips the paper on the top over. “Don’t even think about it.”
“I’m a good student.” Jongin clucks his tongue. “And I studied for the test!”
“You mean you slept for the first three hours and stared at your textbook for the next half?” Kyungsoo puts the stack down on the teacher’s table and asks. Jongin scratches the back of his head and shrugs. The thing is, Jongin’s not a bad student. He’s rather bright, so Kyungsoo can’t understand why he’s not putting in his best effort. “Jongin. Not the way to go, man.”
“At least I studied. English was a hot mess.” Jongin yawns and they walk back to their seats together. It’s break time, and most of their classmates are at the convenience store. He’s surprised that Jongin isn’t, before he promptly informs him that Soojung is running errands for him today because she lost at rock, paper, scissors. “She’s such a loser.”
His eyes are too gentle for that to be a genuine insult. Kyungsoo notes that with a little discomfort. He’s been trying not to overreact for a while now, but something seems to be different between the two of them. Kyungsoo has never liked change. It’s something he can’t control, and being out of control is the worst thing that can ever happen to him. It already has, once.
“You’re the loser.” Soojung thumps a can of soda down on Jongin’s table and tries to smack him on the shoulder, but Jongin catches her hand before it happens. Kyungsoo sees him hold and linger for longer than usual. “Hi Kyungsoo.”
“Hey.” He says and wants to bite his tongue for sounding so out of it. “Ready for the test?”
“Never.” Soojung sighs and pulls open the bag of biscuits that she’s holding. “Geography is really not my thing. And I’ve been painting for the past few forevers. Do I have time to revise stuff about the Amazon? I don’t think so.”
“Jongin’s here to cushion the bottom.” He says with a laugh. Soojung slaps Jongin’s shoulder. It’s not as hard as she usually does. Kyungsoo looks at her, then back at Jongin, then at his knees. It’s an odd, odd feeling of being left in the dark.
“Whatever.” Jongin reaches back and stretches. Soojung mimics him. “Ms. Hong already has it in her head that I’ll just go play soccer for Inha or something.”
Their school soccer team’s coach is a student of the Inha University main coach, and Jongin has already been asked twice to join the college students at training. Kyungsoo doesn’t understand why it’s a bad choice, but Jongin always says it’s sort of complicated. It’s not at all to him. All Jongin has to do is decide if he wants it or not.
“Yeah, and what’s wrong with that?” Soojung asks pointedly. “Inha’s great.”
“My dad’s from Yonsei. Ji-in nuna went to Yonsei. Jae-in nuna graduated from Yonsei. Tell me what’s wrong with Inha again?” Jongin rattles off and grabs a biscuit from Soojung’s open packet.
“Then why did your family even move to Incheon?” Soojung asks again and puts the bag of biscuits into his hands. “I mean, I love your parents, but this doesn’t make sense.”
“Because Dad is teaching at Inha. I know how this sounds like, but yeah. Complicated. It’s some Yonsei pride thing that I don’t even know how to begin to describe.” Jongin laughs, and Soojung shakes her head. Kyungsoo tries to make sense of the entire situation. It’s difficult though, because his father doesn’t seem as invested in his future as Jongin’s dad is. All he wants is a brand name. American, mostly.
“What about you?” Soojung turns to him. “I’m sure Ms. Hong had lots of suggestions for you.”
“Um.” He begins and falters. Jongin looks like he’s listening expectantly. “I… haven’t really decided yet.”
“That translates to I’m going to Seoul National and nobody’s stopping me.” Jongin guffaws and Soojung rolls her eyes. “Seriously though. If they don’t take you that’s really messed up. Have you ever seen someone refuse Kyungsoo before?”
Kyungsoo swallows hard but nobody notices.
____________
“Your coach called me,” his father says as they watch television after dinner on a Saturday, “and told me that Yonsei’s head coach wants to see you.”
Jongin pauses and turns around. His father nods proudly. He turns back around and focuses on the variety programme again. “Okay. That came out of nowhere.”
“Can you be a little more enthusiastic?” His father prods and pretends to be cross. Jongin knows, of course, how happy his dad must be about Yonsei calling him up as a potential. He’s happy too. Possibly. Jongin can’t really find the words to describe the sinking knot in his stomach right now. “He says that he can arrange a meeting as soon as possible. Doesn’t the team have a Seoul training in two weeks?”
That is true. Jongin remembers Sehun jabbering nonstop about how it’s damn time, and how they have too little free time off because that translates to potentially not meeting Sohee nuna, yadda yadda. Now he doesn’t want to go very much anymore. Seoul’s not that attractive to him. Jongin’s never understood the allure of that city he was born but not raised in too much. But he can’t tell his dad that.
“Yeah, but-” he halts and his father waits for him to finish his sentence. Jongin blinks. “I mean. Okay. When do we do this?”
His father rattles off more details about the meeting, and Jongin takes it in halfheartedly. After the programme is done, he brings the plates into the kitchen, helps his mother wash them, and then heads back to his room. He locks the door behind him and flings himself onto his bed.
“It’s such a good opportunity.” He says out loud to himself. It really is.
He flips over on his stomach and buries his face in his pillow for a while. Jongin thinks about all the pros and cons and tries writing a list. But he can’t get past the first two, and even then his head hurts and he wants to stop. So he flips back around and stares at his digital clock. There is a Polaroid picture of him and Soojung as twelve year olds stuck on it. She’s smiling and he’s making a funny face and they look so happy simply because they are twelve and it’s Jongin’s birthday.
All of his memories are in Incheon. This is it. Jongin thinks about everything that has happened here, everything that has made him the person he is today, and the thought of Yonsei and its head coach presses the knot even deeper into his stomach.
____________
The school soccer team heads up to Seoul in a chartered bus, and Jongin sleeps most of the way with Jackson, their defender and son of Hong Kong immigrants and owners of the best Chinese restaurant near their school, chattering next to him. It’s not a very long trip, and soon they pile into the hostel that the school has booked. Jongin is about to drift off back to sleep again, when he remembers to check his phone.
One is from Soojung (“bottle me some Seoul air”), another is from Kyungsoo (“remember to do your research for our English presentation”), one more from his mother (“don’t get injured!”), and the last from his oldest sister, Jae-in (“heard you’re in Seoul, punk. Call me!”). Jongin replies all of them with a “yes” because he really wants to go to bed, but calls Jae-in in the end, also because he knows what it means if her instructions are not followed.
“Nuna,” he wails as soon as she picks up, “I really need to sleep.”
“You can do that as soon as we set a time for dinner,” she says smoothly and Jongin groans. Somewhere in the background a baby is yelling quite happily. Jae-in makes him promise to meet after their second day of training ends, and Jongin promises, and then he gets to go to bed. Before he closes his eyes he contemplates calling Soojung. But it’s midnight, and she’s probably working on her painting, he rationalises. His finger still hovers above the dial button, however, but Sehun bursts in with Jackson the next moment, and Jongin quickly shoves his phone under his pillow.
Over the next two days their coach works them to the bone. Jongin can’t remember how many times he’s run laps around the huge track of the university they’ve been sent to, nor how many goals he’s either shot or missed. It’s all a blur, Sehun’s face melding into Jackson’s, and Jackson’s into Seungyoon’s, and Seungyoon’s into Jinyoung’s. Jongin collapses on the green after their coach blows the whistle, and stares at the blinding flood light of the stadium. The artificial green is prickly on his skin as he hears their coach call for a last meeting before they are dismissed for the day.
“Kim Jongin,” Sehun is jogging circles around him as he sits up and leans back on the balls of his hands, “come on! I want to go and be a real Seoulite, so can you please get your ass off the grass right now?”
Jongin lazily flips him off. Sehun keeps right on jogging. Eventually he does get up when Sehun tries to kick him with the cleat-lined bottom of his shoes, and they all file into the meeting room where their coach is waiting. Jongin listens as he talks about formations, and really working as a team, and how outstanding players work, and eventually their captain Sungjoo leads them in a team cry. He’s about to sprint for the showers when their coach catches him by the shoulder.
“The Yonsei coach wants to see you on the last day of training.” He says, and Jongin’s stomach flips. Still he nods mutely, and their coach gives him a look of encouragement and pride. Jongin doesn’t know how to react to it, so he bows and scurries into the shower room. Jackson is attempting to steal everybody’s clothes, but Jongin takes a power shower and grabs his stuff before Jackson can get to them. He can hear Sehun yelling for Jackson to cut it out when he runs out, hair still wet.
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