To begin... I shall just begin...
1. Orchid tattoo. Went to get tattoo yesterday and had a bit of a run in with The Devil's ego. Pretty much blew it off as usual, and went home tattoo-less and not really caring if I ever saw him again. Didn't call this morning as promised. But then he got a hold of me and I decided to give it one more chance.
Now, keep in mind, I've been fighting with Bear for the last year about getting my tattoo. First it was that he didn't want me to get it done by The Devil. Then he was just being the biggest prick on the planet and telling me (as though I'm a juvenile with no opinion worthy of having) that no-- he was just going to leave me if I ever get that tattoo, period. This morning, it blew up again. What I told him is better explained through the email I sent him:
Subject: Helpful information for you.
Can't believe I have to say this again.
I have ALWAYS loved tattoos. I have ALWAYS intended to get more... but the reason I haven't before now, is because E was always a jerk about it. He hates tattoos and didn't like the ones I have already. But even if I had got them, he wouldn't have left me or stopped me. He just wouldn't have like it.
When I divorced him, one of the FIRST things I vowed to do was to get the tattoos I've always wanted. To me, my body is still a blank canvas and while I don't want to be covered in them-- I have ideas that represent who I am and things I've been through in my life that I would like to have on my body for the rest of my life. I am willing to make the permanent, life long commitment to those ideas because they represent lessons I've learned and will never forget. Not that it matters to you who I am, or how I feel, or what I want... but I thought maybe you should know.
It was bad enough that Eric stifled my desire to express myself in that way... and I always resented him for it. And now there's you. You have no reason to get upset about my getting a tattoo except for your own insecurity and jealousy-- that doesn't even make SENSE! I've respected your ridiculous standpoint about (The Devil) although that was in the works long before you ever came in the picture and it has ZERO to do with you, but I'll be damned if I'm going to listen to it about the whole idea of my tattoo. It's not YOUR body. It's not YOUR decision. You've only known me a year and I'm not going to let you tell me what I can and can't do with MY OWN BODY. I compromised by saying I would have someone other than Mat do it. I met you halfway. What have you done?!?! Where have you compromised in the slightest bit on this issue?
You want to throw the Renee thing in my face again and want to spend time with her doing the artwork for her tattoo? Be my guest! However, be aware that once that happens, (The Devil) will be doing my tattoo. It's no different! Actually, scratch that. Do whatever you want with Renee. You do whatever you want behind my back anyway. I can't even believe I'm having to have a conversation where I justify anything at all to you! You've lost the right to boss me the fuck around!
If me getting a tattoo on my back is grounds for you to end it with me, or resent me, or whatever it is you feel you have to do-- so be it. At this point, I have no respect for your opinions on the subject because you have had absolutely no respect for mine. As far as I'm concerned, this has absolutely nothing to do with you. I'm not getting my vagina pierced. I'm never even going to be fully nude to get this thing, and even if I was-- so fucking what???? You think these artists don't have people in there all the time and haven't seen it all?
I'm getting a tattoo. I will pick the artist I want, get it where and when I want, and it will be what I want... because it's my body and it's not your business. If you choose to end it all with me and never speak to me because of it... oh, well! I'm not going to feed your ridiculous little comments or feel guilty for doing what I have wanted long before you ever came along.
That's final. So be as manipulative as you want. But think carefully before you do. If you end us over a tattoo, you're a moron and I'm better off without you anyway. And I'll keep that in mind as I pursue getting MY tattoo. You can either be a part of it or you can not. I asked you forever ago to help me with the design for the one on the back of my neck to finish it... and we see how interested you were in pursuing that. It's not like you've been left out. It's your choice to oppose it, and your choice to not take part.
Have a good day. Sorry you had to pick this fight today. Didn't realize you weren't just sensitive but full on unreasonable and illogical about it all, too.
--L
And now... I'm sportin' a quite large, gorgeous, finely detailed orchid tattoo on my back...
2. Healing. I never thought I would hear The Devil say he was sorry for anything he'd done to me. Now I understand why he was being such a brat about me having a friend with me yesterday. Not that it excused the way he went about it... I just said it's understandable to me now.
In his way today, he actually apologized. I would talk more about it but I'm emotionally drained and so at another time (in a more filtered post), I'm sure I will. Today was incredibly healing for the both of us, I think. I walked away with a smile on my face and as soon as I was alone and driving away, burst into uncontrollable tears. Not out of sadness... maybe relief? Exhaustion? Gratitude? Closure, maybe? I really needed that.
3. Puke in my mouth. Okay... so it's one thing to know of all the other girls one of your lovers is messing with. It's quite another to see it on display. Somehow, the images burned a lil' hole in my brain and made me nearly... you guessed it-- puke in my mouth. ;) Haha, one of you on here knows EXACTLY what I mean! I was full on grossed the fuck out, and felt cheap and yucky, and completely second guessed my "this is good for me" idea.
It brought me right back into... if it's not something showing promise to be a little deeper, what's the point?
Yes, I'm hard to please. The good news is that I'm also easily distracted. So I haven't made any decisions set in stone. I'm just thinking the expiration date on that particular one might be sooner than I'd first expected. But it's cool-- I doubt he'd even notice.
I'm so over it with so many things in my life, right now. It's like I'm trying really hard to care. I just can't!
4. Girls weekend. I've been all alone all weekend and able to do whatever the heck I feel like. I could have had monkey sex with numerous boy toys and no one would have ever known. Know what I did? Hung out with a few forbidden ex-toys turned friends... but for the most part? Spent time with my girlfriends! I've relaxed, caught up on sleep and housework, ate a lot of sushi, dyed my hair black, got my tattoo... stayed in sipping chartreuse and watching stand up comedy!
It's been everything I've needed to do for a while. As much as Bear thinks I'm some crazy party animal-- I like the home life too. I just like it when it's actually relaxing!
Now, keep in mind, I've been fighting with Bear for the last year about getting my tattoo. First it was that he didn't want me to get it done by The Devil. Then he was just being the biggest prick on the planet and telling me (as though I'm a juvenile with no opinion worthy of having) that no-- he was just going to leave me if I ever get that tattoo, period. This morning, it blew up again. What I told him is better explained through the email I sent him:
Subject: Helpful information for you.
Can't believe I have to say this again.
I have ALWAYS loved tattoos. I have ALWAYS intended to get more... but the reason I haven't before now, is because E was always a jerk about it. He hates tattoos and didn't like the ones I have already. But even if I had got them, he wouldn't have left me or stopped me. He just wouldn't have like it.
When I divorced him, one of the FIRST things I vowed to do was to get the tattoos I've always wanted. To me, my body is still a blank canvas and while I don't want to be covered in them-- I have ideas that represent who I am and things I've been through in my life that I would like to have on my body for the rest of my life. I am willing to make the permanent, life long commitment to those ideas because they represent lessons I've learned and will never forget. Not that it matters to you who I am, or how I feel, or what I want... but I thought maybe you should know.
It was bad enough that Eric stifled my desire to express myself in that way... and I always resented him for it. And now there's you. You have no reason to get upset about my getting a tattoo except for your own insecurity and jealousy-- that doesn't even make SENSE! I've respected your ridiculous standpoint about (The Devil) although that was in the works long before you ever came in the picture and it has ZERO to do with you, but I'll be damned if I'm going to listen to it about the whole idea of my tattoo. It's not YOUR body. It's not YOUR decision. You've only known me a year and I'm not going to let you tell me what I can and can't do with MY OWN BODY. I compromised by saying I would have someone other than Mat do it. I met you halfway. What have you done?!?! Where have you compromised in the slightest bit on this issue?
You want to throw the Renee thing in my face again and want to spend time with her doing the artwork for her tattoo? Be my guest! However, be aware that once that happens, (The Devil) will be doing my tattoo. It's no different! Actually, scratch that. Do whatever you want with Renee. You do whatever you want behind my back anyway. I can't even believe I'm having to have a conversation where I justify anything at all to you! You've lost the right to boss me the fuck around!
If me getting a tattoo on my back is grounds for you to end it with me, or resent me, or whatever it is you feel you have to do-- so be it. At this point, I have no respect for your opinions on the subject because you have had absolutely no respect for mine. As far as I'm concerned, this has absolutely nothing to do with you. I'm not getting my vagina pierced. I'm never even going to be fully nude to get this thing, and even if I was-- so fucking what???? You think these artists don't have people in there all the time and haven't seen it all?
I'm getting a tattoo. I will pick the artist I want, get it where and when I want, and it will be what I want... because it's my body and it's not your business. If you choose to end it all with me and never speak to me because of it... oh, well! I'm not going to feed your ridiculous little comments or feel guilty for doing what I have wanted long before you ever came along.
That's final. So be as manipulative as you want. But think carefully before you do. If you end us over a tattoo, you're a moron and I'm better off without you anyway. And I'll keep that in mind as I pursue getting MY tattoo. You can either be a part of it or you can not. I asked you forever ago to help me with the design for the one on the back of my neck to finish it... and we see how interested you were in pursuing that. It's not like you've been left out. It's your choice to oppose it, and your choice to not take part.
Have a good day. Sorry you had to pick this fight today. Didn't realize you weren't just sensitive but full on unreasonable and illogical about it all, too.
--L
And now... I'm sportin' a quite large, gorgeous, finely detailed orchid tattoo on my back...
2. Healing. I never thought I would hear The Devil say he was sorry for anything he'd done to me. Now I understand why he was being such a brat about me having a friend with me yesterday. Not that it excused the way he went about it... I just said it's understandable to me now.
In his way today, he actually apologized. I would talk more about it but I'm emotionally drained and so at another time (in a more filtered post), I'm sure I will. Today was incredibly healing for the both of us, I think. I walked away with a smile on my face and as soon as I was alone and driving away, burst into uncontrollable tears. Not out of sadness... maybe relief? Exhaustion? Gratitude? Closure, maybe? I really needed that.
3. Puke in my mouth. Okay... so it's one thing to know of all the other girls one of your lovers is messing with. It's quite another to see it on display. Somehow, the images burned a lil' hole in my brain and made me nearly... you guessed it-- puke in my mouth. ;) Haha, one of you on here knows EXACTLY what I mean! I was full on grossed the fuck out, and felt cheap and yucky, and completely second guessed my "this is good for me" idea.
It brought me right back into... if it's not something showing promise to be a little deeper, what's the point?
Yes, I'm hard to please. The good news is that I'm also easily distracted. So I haven't made any decisions set in stone. I'm just thinking the expiration date on that particular one might be sooner than I'd first expected. But it's cool-- I doubt he'd even notice.
I'm so over it with so many things in my life, right now. It's like I'm trying really hard to care. I just can't!
4. Girls weekend. I've been all alone all weekend and able to do whatever the heck I feel like. I could have had monkey sex with numerous boy toys and no one would have ever known. Know what I did? Hung out with a few forbidden ex-toys turned friends... but for the most part? Spent time with my girlfriends! I've relaxed, caught up on sleep and housework, ate a lot of sushi, dyed my hair black, got my tattoo... stayed in sipping chartreuse and watching stand up comedy!
It's been everything I've needed to do for a while. As much as Bear thinks I'm some crazy party animal-- I like the home life too. I just like it when it's actually relaxing!