5 scotch on the rocks later...
Its been a long long time since I last posted. My last written entry was on February 24th. So needless to say tons and tons of shit has happened. But when I think back, the only thing I can think of is the recent death i witnessed. I try not to think about i or talk about it at all in a manner which would express any emotion. Fatcs are easy to discuss, pretending that life is scientific and that emotions have nothing to do with it. Its actually pretty unbeliveable that shit happens so fast, and that the older you get life seems to go by so fast. Its funny, cuz normally when things that a re a little 'abnormal' happen, you laugh, you cry, you accept and then eventually you move on...but this doesnt seem to be happening. I find it so unbelievavle that I refuse to think about the logics of it all. About the logicsa of the situation. I remember them 2 months ago, and I look at them now and just wonder how they cope...or maybe they dont cope, and simply disassociate themselves from the entire situation. Its hard to believe that she can be this strong after suffering through something jsut so ridiculously unreal.
I understand that it happens all the time...I'm not oblivious to the world's suffering...but b/c of that, I wonder how people even try anymore. What does it all matter...I'm trying not to sound too teenager-ish, but it seems that that is what it has come down to....
I qiestion my motives...I wonder if what i did was simply b/c of outside factors, ones which I have full control over, or if those things that I am questioning myself about, even exist. Are they jsut in my head. regardless, to ease my soul, should I ask her. Why do I feel guilty? Perhaps I have done it before...and then did it again...
I also think that this rant has a lot to do with the amoutn of soctch I have consumed in the last 3 hours. Its burning a hole in my stmoach...I havent drank alone in a long time. Arent I gald those days are gone...
I understand that it happens all the time...I'm not oblivious to the world's suffering...but b/c of that, I wonder how people even try anymore. What does it all matter...I'm trying not to sound too teenager-ish, but it seems that that is what it has come down to....
I qiestion my motives...I wonder if what i did was simply b/c of outside factors, ones which I have full control over, or if those things that I am questioning myself about, even exist. Are they jsut in my head. regardless, to ease my soul, should I ask her. Why do I feel guilty? Perhaps I have done it before...and then did it again...
I also think that this rant has a lot to do with the amoutn of soctch I have consumed in the last 3 hours. Its burning a hole in my stmoach...I havent drank alone in a long time. Arent I gald those days are gone...