(no subject)
I admit that the way I responded to the situation was wrong, & for that I'm sorry. I was just so angry when I kept hearing all of this about you. I just thought you were different. I thought you had the same morals & values that I have. It's hard seeing most of my other friends do it, & I always hated that they do. But I took solace in the fact that there was one person who shared the same feelings I did, someone who felt the same way about. & then you started, & to be honest it broke my heart. It hurt me a lot. You may not understand how much it hurts me, or why it hurts me, but it does and to a great extent. I hated that you pretended to be something you weren't. Like you were lying to me. I had sooo much respect for what (I thought) your choices were. & I didn't know why you had to change. I liked you the way you were before. I preferred you the way you were before. A part of me wanted to show you that every action has consequences; If you were going to do this, than I didn't want be friends with you. While I still disagree with your choices, I realize it was wrong to just flat-out stop talking to you.
But to be honest, things probably would've been different if you hadn't found out. I never wanted anyone to actually tell you, because I knew that it'd hurt you. & while I was angry with you, I didn't want you to get hurt. I never wanted to hurt you. Rather, no one would say anything, & over time you'd become to notice that you hadn't seen or spoken to me in awhile & that we had just lost touch. By that point it wouldn't have affected you nearly as much. But again to be honest, it probably would have taken you months to notice. Why? Because even before this you were hurting my feelings by not contacting me anymore. Even before this you hardly ever talked to me or hung out with me or anything like we used to. We used to be so close last year. Why does living in different buildings have to change how close our friendship was? So I didn't think it would really have mattered if we didn't talk, since you didn't really seem to care much about me anymore anyway.
Like I said though, it was the wrong thing for me to do. I wanted to make it clear to you exactly how much this affected me, but I should have talked to you about it. But I knew that if I did it wouldn't change anything. I doubt you'd care about my feelings for it & you'd continue to do it. & I obviously don't have any authority over you to tell you not to, I know that. But I thought if I just stayed your friend, everytime you'd go out to do that stuff it'd cause me a lot of pain. & it does, cause now everytime you're out I think about what you're doing & it hurts me.
This is basically what I'm feeling. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for everything. I still wish to talk to in person about things, but I don't know if I'm worthy enough to see you after the way I've been treating you.
But to be honest, things probably would've been different if you hadn't found out. I never wanted anyone to actually tell you, because I knew that it'd hurt you. & while I was angry with you, I didn't want you to get hurt. I never wanted to hurt you. Rather, no one would say anything, & over time you'd become to notice that you hadn't seen or spoken to me in awhile & that we had just lost touch. By that point it wouldn't have affected you nearly as much. But again to be honest, it probably would have taken you months to notice. Why? Because even before this you were hurting my feelings by not contacting me anymore. Even before this you hardly ever talked to me or hung out with me or anything like we used to. We used to be so close last year. Why does living in different buildings have to change how close our friendship was? So I didn't think it would really have mattered if we didn't talk, since you didn't really seem to care much about me anymore anyway.
Like I said though, it was the wrong thing for me to do. I wanted to make it clear to you exactly how much this affected me, but I should have talked to you about it. But I knew that if I did it wouldn't change anything. I doubt you'd care about my feelings for it & you'd continue to do it. & I obviously don't have any authority over you to tell you not to, I know that. But I thought if I just stayed your friend, everytime you'd go out to do that stuff it'd cause me a lot of pain. & it does, cause now everytime you're out I think about what you're doing & it hurts me.
This is basically what I'm feeling. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for everything. I still wish to talk to in person about things, but I don't know if I'm worthy enough to see you after the way I've been treating you.