(no subject)
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looksand unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transactionwas finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and tookhis soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad andadmitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker everysecond Wednesday of the month.
6. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
9. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
10. If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.
11. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms andincludes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
13. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.
14. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop theJFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with hisbeard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
15. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris isafraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
16. Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabricof space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage oftime is merely a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is knownas the "Chuck Norris big cock theory of space-time".
17. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like
Chuck Norris
18. Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.
19. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tuckedaway in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth tothe 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team inprofessional football history.
20. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
21. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied,"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of hisname cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thingthis man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
22. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
23. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
24. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norrissmoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
25. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is forhandicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spotbelongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you parkthere.
26. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicksaren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded byhistorians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
27. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
28. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
29. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
30. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
31. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, theFrench surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
32. Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.
33. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Twoseconds til." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicksyou in the face.
34. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood would awoodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOWDARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out herthroat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed,"Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realizedthe irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within ahundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
35. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
36. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
37. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian for breathing his air.
38. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
39. Everyone uses Google to find out facts about anything and everything. Google uses Chuck Norris.
40. Wilt Chamberlin claims to have slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
41. There is no such thing as Global Warming. We are only feeling theheat coming off of Chuck Norris after he realized McDonald's messed uphis drive through order.
42. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the giftof "beard". Jesus wore it proudly 'til his dying day. The otherWisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combinedinfluence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all threedied of roundhouse kick related deaths.
43. Chuck Norris showers with AJAX and he uses no water.
44. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonalds in Texas have an evenlarger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to beNorrisized.
45. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
46. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, it is because he has run out of women.
47. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
48. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his footbroke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhartwhile she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
49. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
50. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
51. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, butwas removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him toroundhouse kick his opponent to death.
52. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick
related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
53. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged
beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a
crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
54. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
55. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
56. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the
pleasure.
57. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a
high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuadedthe referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child.Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights andthen proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
58. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "ChuckNorris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,"andstarred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth fromdrug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. However, thiswas far too awesome for a single show, so it was divided into two shows.
59. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die fromcholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He alsorequires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meaton his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
60. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure
more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
61. Chuck Norris once had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We now know this beverage as Red Bull.
62. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to "lie the fuck down."
63. God got most of his ideas from Chuck Norris.
64. The sweat from Chuck Norris' testicles is considered a delicacy in certain regions of Guatemala.
65. CNN was originally the "Chuck Norris Network" but was later changedto a news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris networkkept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers' eyeballs.
66. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
67. There once was a man from Nantucket. Chuck Norris paralyzed him from the waist down.
68. The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
69. Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboyboot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.
70. Before filming Missing in Action II, Chuck Norris invented mathematics, so they could complete the title.
71. Chuck Norris and God once shared a high-five. The wind that was created caused Hurricane Katrina.
72. Chuck Norris once shaved his beard. When he did, the last unicorn died.
73. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
74. The symbol for Chuck Norris in sign language is a middle finger on fire.
75. Chuck Norris saved President Bush from choking on a pretzel byroundhouse kicking him in the throat. Chuck didn't realize he waschoking, he just felt like kicking him in the throat.
also, a band that friended me today on myspace didn't suck. i'd actually go see one of their shows. wtf? maybe all this working has me starved for ROCK.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
5. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looksand unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transactionwas finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and tookhis soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad andadmitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker everysecond Wednesday of the month.
6. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
7. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
8. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
9. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
10. If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.
11. Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms andincludes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
13. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes.
14. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop theJFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with hisbeard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
15. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris isafraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
16. Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabricof space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage oftime is merely a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is knownas the "Chuck Norris big cock theory of space-time".
17. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like
Chuck Norris
18. Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants.
19. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tuckedaway in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth tothe 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team inprofessional football history.
20. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
21. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied,"Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of hisname cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thingthis man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
22. Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
23. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
24. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norrissmoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
25. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is forhandicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spotbelongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you parkthere.
26. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicksaren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded byhistorians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
27. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
28. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
29. Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
30. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
31. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, theFrench surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
32. Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.
33. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Twoseconds til." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicksyou in the face.
34. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood would awoodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOWDARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out herthroat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed,"Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realizedthe irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within ahundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
35. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
36. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
37. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate an Indian for breathing his air.
38. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
39. Everyone uses Google to find out facts about anything and everything. Google uses Chuck Norris.
40. Wilt Chamberlin claims to have slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
41. There is no such thing as Global Warming. We are only feeling theheat coming off of Chuck Norris after he realized McDonald's messed uphis drive through order.
42. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the giftof "beard". Jesus wore it proudly 'til his dying day. The otherWisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combinedinfluence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all threedied of roundhouse kick related deaths.
43. Chuck Norris showers with AJAX and he uses no water.
44. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonalds in Texas have an evenlarger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to beNorrisized.
45. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
46. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, it is because he has run out of women.
47. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
48. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his footbroke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhartwhile she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
49. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
50. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
51. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, butwas removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him toroundhouse kick his opponent to death.
52. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick
related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
53. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged
beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a
crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal,
breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
54. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
55. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
56. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the
pleasure.
57. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a
high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuadedthe referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child.Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights andthen proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
58. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "ChuckNorris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,"andstarred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth fromdrug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. However, thiswas far too awesome for a single show, so it was divided into two shows.
59. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die fromcholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He alsorequires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meaton his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
60. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure
more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
61. Chuck Norris once had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We now know this beverage as Red Bull.
62. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to "lie the fuck down."
63. God got most of his ideas from Chuck Norris.
64. The sweat from Chuck Norris' testicles is considered a delicacy in certain regions of Guatemala.
65. CNN was originally the "Chuck Norris Network" but was later changedto a news station because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris networkkept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers' eyeballs.
66. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.
67. There once was a man from Nantucket. Chuck Norris paralyzed him from the waist down.
68. The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
69. Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboyboot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.
70. Before filming Missing in Action II, Chuck Norris invented mathematics, so they could complete the title.
71. Chuck Norris and God once shared a high-five. The wind that was created caused Hurricane Katrina.
72. Chuck Norris once shaved his beard. When he did, the last unicorn died.
73. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.
74. The symbol for Chuck Norris in sign language is a middle finger on fire.
75. Chuck Norris saved President Bush from choking on a pretzel byroundhouse kicking him in the throat. Chuck didn't realize he waschoking, he just felt like kicking him in the throat.
also, a band that friended me today on myspace didn't suck. i'd actually go see one of their shows. wtf? maybe all this working has me starved for ROCK.