it's still very early but I can't bring myself to work on anything else (what is my problem)
this downward spiral occurs in a cycle and I’ve been finding myself in it more and more. a downward spiral of self-doubt, feeling out of place or misunderstood or feeling like I’m misunderstanding something. I don’t ‘get it’, I wasn’t meant to ‘get it’, I’m in the wrong place (not physically, not emotionally either, but as far as my work goes- it’s all wrong)
and that’s where this all stems from, there is so much pressure to make work or make something but why? what am I doing? why am I doing it? it’s all so self-centered. why do I care about it so much? what is it that I care about? stats? views? recognition? I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to convince myself that’s not true, but I’m not sure.
talking to my friends or peers about this doesn’t help. ‘we’re all going through it’, but that doesn’t make anything better? it’s still something I have to face and I have to face it on my own. it’s still a solitary place, this self doubt can’t be shared it can only be dealt with on my own. and I don’t care if you’re going through it too.
the fact that I can’t remember saturday night really bothers me. I feel very guilty. I’ve changed a lot. I mean, I guess I had fun, but for what? to be sick the following day and to not remember how I was having fun? I spent my first years of college feeling weird and left out for not drinking and now I guess I’m part of it but after nights like that, I’m not sure if it’s worth it. (I’m so sorry.) maybe I’m still learning my limits? though I went in to that night wanting to lose myself and I don’t know why. we were all in it together but we’ve got nothing to show for it except a collected clouded memory.
sometimes I really hate myself. I want to die so I don’t have to deal with the pointlessness of all of this.
I want to be held but I also feel so solitary.
and that’s where this all stems from, there is so much pressure to make work or make something but why? what am I doing? why am I doing it? it’s all so self-centered. why do I care about it so much? what is it that I care about? stats? views? recognition? I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to convince myself that’s not true, but I’m not sure.
talking to my friends or peers about this doesn’t help. ‘we’re all going through it’, but that doesn’t make anything better? it’s still something I have to face and I have to face it on my own. it’s still a solitary place, this self doubt can’t be shared it can only be dealt with on my own. and I don’t care if you’re going through it too.
the fact that I can’t remember saturday night really bothers me. I feel very guilty. I’ve changed a lot. I mean, I guess I had fun, but for what? to be sick the following day and to not remember how I was having fun? I spent my first years of college feeling weird and left out for not drinking and now I guess I’m part of it but after nights like that, I’m not sure if it’s worth it. (I’m so sorry.) maybe I’m still learning my limits? though I went in to that night wanting to lose myself and I don’t know why. we were all in it together but we’ve got nothing to show for it except a collected clouded memory.
sometimes I really hate myself. I want to die so I don’t have to deal with the pointlessness of all of this.
I want to be held but I also feel so solitary.