DEEP DEEP SADDNESS
This weekend has been a struggle for all of us. As I indicated from the 4th of July post we have all been on the edge. I realize now that we are strong in numbers. We lean very heavily on each other and on the 4 year old. I know that I would prefer not to live my life with this sadness. Delaney was a bright spot in my world and right now it feels very dark. I get out of bed, get dressed and go to work because the Boy needs a Dad, the wife needs a husband and because the rest of my friends and family could not handle another loss. If I thought there was a way to quietly slip away without anyone noticing I would.
If you thinking I am trying to veil the desire to die. Don’t I am not trying to veil anything. I am ready and willing. I chose to live because I am needed and my family doesn’t deserve what has happened to them and I cannot add to that pain.
I have had conversations with the wife and I get the impression that she agrees. Though she has never said it quite so plainly I believe it is true. She feels a great deal of guilt and sadness. I know that her belief system has been challenged. I know that she has doubts. I can’t help her in this area because my beliefs have never been as strong as hers, my doubts have always been more severe. My faith and hope has been in question. I have seen so much evil and darkness in one of my previous jobs I questions that if there is a God that God does anything to influence us here on earth. At best I consider god a passive observer; which renders prayer useless. So why do people pray? People need hope. Hope can be healing. In my situation there is no hope for resolution, to get better, to make it all right. My baby girl died and that is permanent.
There is nothing as final as Death!
If you thinking I am trying to veil the desire to die. Don’t I am not trying to veil anything. I am ready and willing. I chose to live because I am needed and my family doesn’t deserve what has happened to them and I cannot add to that pain.
I have had conversations with the wife and I get the impression that she agrees. Though she has never said it quite so plainly I believe it is true. She feels a great deal of guilt and sadness. I know that her belief system has been challenged. I know that she has doubts. I can’t help her in this area because my beliefs have never been as strong as hers, my doubts have always been more severe. My faith and hope has been in question. I have seen so much evil and darkness in one of my previous jobs I questions that if there is a God that God does anything to influence us here on earth. At best I consider god a passive observer; which renders prayer useless. So why do people pray? People need hope. Hope can be healing. In my situation there is no hope for resolution, to get better, to make it all right. My baby girl died and that is permanent.
There is nothing as final as Death!