Who am I? I am Delaney's Dad
This is a question that I keep asking myself. Surprisingly I am having difficulty with this.
If you asked me this questions 6 months ago I would have had an answer. I don’t remember what that answer was. I guess that I wish that I had written it down. I have always defined myself by saying that I am a Father, Husband, Friend, then a worker in that order. I tried to live that way. I work so that I can afford to do the things I like as a Father, Husband and Friend.
If you go by the basic definition then I have not changed. . . But I have!
Just a few months ago I had what I considered now to be a near perfect life. I had a good job the more than paid the bills. I had a perfect little family; a hot wife, a beautiful daughter, a handsome strong son, and 2 dogs. We were all involved in our own things but we did so much together. It was a fairy tail and I was happy. My kids were the brightest parts of my day. I loved their smiles and their snuggles.
Then I got the call at 3:30 AM on May 12th. I assumed that everything would be fine. At 4:00 am I got the second call. My knees buckled, my heart stopped and life changed forever.
So who am I?
I am Delaney’s Dad. I am sad. I miss Delaney every minute, of every hour, of every day. I miss her smile. I miss her snuggles. I miss her sitting in my lap every morning when I work her up. I am Delaney’s Dad.
Am I still a husband? Yes, but I am a husband that misses his baby girl.
Am I still a Daddy? Yes, but I am a sad that my little girl can play with my son and I.
Am I still a Friend? Yes, but I am a friend that wants to remember his precious child and I may cry. I may be melancholy. I may talk about her.
Am I still alive? Yes. But I feel as though my soul has been stolen. I feel as though my heart is missing. I feel like I have to fight to breath. I have dark thoughts about not waking up, about finding a quick escape from this earth. I look for ways out but find that I still keep breathing. I am alive but I have this heart break, this sadness, and this anger that spoils life’s flavor.
Before Delaney died my kids were always in the back of my mind in everything I did. I tried to be a better man because of them. Now Delaney occupies the fore front of my mind and so much of my life focuses on her. So right now I am Delaney’s Dad!
I have been searching for other Men that have lost their children to share with; to see if they have lost their souls and their minds too or am I alone in this. I know that Mothers grieve their children deeply and passionately. Searching the internet or looking at books you see Mothers everywhere. But where are the men. I think they bury themselves in their work and hide their emotions.
So am I a real man? I think so.
I have always considered myself a person that had spirituality. I question specific religions and ideologies but I believed in a higher power. I believed in an after life and heaven. When I worked at the abuse registry in Florida I questioned the role of God when little children suffered in such horrible ways. When my daughter was born premie and we spent 17 days in NICU and I saw what was going on with her and the other little ones I questioned Gods role again. Now I wonder is there a God? Is there an entity that has control or influence over this life? If so why would God allow the perfect little innocents to suffer or die? I question my faith, I question God. I DOUBT!
So who am I if I have no faith and no hope? I am Delaney’s Dad.
Everyone wants to tell you that you will get better or that it will get easier with time. People want to tell you to live for the living. People want to tell you to have faith in God. I don’t believe this. Happily ever after has been taken away from me. My dreams have been stolen. Everything that I ever loved has been changed. How do you get better from this? Delaney isn’t coming back. How do you get over it? I don’t plan on forgetting her.
I had a conversation recently with my wife and she related what someone had related to her. She felt that it was the most honest and real person to speak to her about our loss. This person told her that the sadness would never go away. This person told her that her pain would never be gone. This person told her that her life would never be the same. He said that all of this was now part of her forever. She felt that in some ways this gave her strength. It gave her the permission to no longer be tied to a time line or the “stages of grief”. It gave her permission to be sad. As she said that in order for her to begin again, she need to accept this and this discussion taught her that she owned her sadness and that it was part of her.
When she told me this I wasn’t sure what it meant or how it made me feel. But after thinking about it for several days I realized that it had a big effect on me. I too had to own my pain and my sadness. I had to admit that this was part of me and would be the tint which I now viewed life forever. I have always been Delaney’s Dad since she was first conceived and I always will be. Now instead of celebrating her and rejoicing in her smile or her touch. I am sad and hurt. I miss her smile and her touch. I mourn my loss. I mourn who she was and who she could have been. I mourn the thing that we should be enjoying together the good times that I will have in the near and distant future.
I own this sadness! I miss my baby girl. I am Delaney’s Dad and I miss her dearly.
If you asked me this questions 6 months ago I would have had an answer. I don’t remember what that answer was. I guess that I wish that I had written it down. I have always defined myself by saying that I am a Father, Husband, Friend, then a worker in that order. I tried to live that way. I work so that I can afford to do the things I like as a Father, Husband and Friend.
If you go by the basic definition then I have not changed. . . But I have!
Just a few months ago I had what I considered now to be a near perfect life. I had a good job the more than paid the bills. I had a perfect little family; a hot wife, a beautiful daughter, a handsome strong son, and 2 dogs. We were all involved in our own things but we did so much together. It was a fairy tail and I was happy. My kids were the brightest parts of my day. I loved their smiles and their snuggles.
Then I got the call at 3:30 AM on May 12th. I assumed that everything would be fine. At 4:00 am I got the second call. My knees buckled, my heart stopped and life changed forever.
So who am I?
I am Delaney’s Dad. I am sad. I miss Delaney every minute, of every hour, of every day. I miss her smile. I miss her snuggles. I miss her sitting in my lap every morning when I work her up. I am Delaney’s Dad.
Am I still a husband? Yes, but I am a husband that misses his baby girl.
Am I still a Daddy? Yes, but I am a sad that my little girl can play with my son and I.
Am I still a Friend? Yes, but I am a friend that wants to remember his precious child and I may cry. I may be melancholy. I may talk about her.
Am I still alive? Yes. But I feel as though my soul has been stolen. I feel as though my heart is missing. I feel like I have to fight to breath. I have dark thoughts about not waking up, about finding a quick escape from this earth. I look for ways out but find that I still keep breathing. I am alive but I have this heart break, this sadness, and this anger that spoils life’s flavor.
Before Delaney died my kids were always in the back of my mind in everything I did. I tried to be a better man because of them. Now Delaney occupies the fore front of my mind and so much of my life focuses on her. So right now I am Delaney’s Dad!
I have been searching for other Men that have lost their children to share with; to see if they have lost their souls and their minds too or am I alone in this. I know that Mothers grieve their children deeply and passionately. Searching the internet or looking at books you see Mothers everywhere. But where are the men. I think they bury themselves in their work and hide their emotions.
So am I a real man? I think so.
I have always considered myself a person that had spirituality. I question specific religions and ideologies but I believed in a higher power. I believed in an after life and heaven. When I worked at the abuse registry in Florida I questioned the role of God when little children suffered in such horrible ways. When my daughter was born premie and we spent 17 days in NICU and I saw what was going on with her and the other little ones I questioned Gods role again. Now I wonder is there a God? Is there an entity that has control or influence over this life? If so why would God allow the perfect little innocents to suffer or die? I question my faith, I question God. I DOUBT!
So who am I if I have no faith and no hope? I am Delaney’s Dad.
Everyone wants to tell you that you will get better or that it will get easier with time. People want to tell you to live for the living. People want to tell you to have faith in God. I don’t believe this. Happily ever after has been taken away from me. My dreams have been stolen. Everything that I ever loved has been changed. How do you get better from this? Delaney isn’t coming back. How do you get over it? I don’t plan on forgetting her.
I had a conversation recently with my wife and she related what someone had related to her. She felt that it was the most honest and real person to speak to her about our loss. This person told her that the sadness would never go away. This person told her that her pain would never be gone. This person told her that her life would never be the same. He said that all of this was now part of her forever. She felt that in some ways this gave her strength. It gave her the permission to no longer be tied to a time line or the “stages of grief”. It gave her permission to be sad. As she said that in order for her to begin again, she need to accept this and this discussion taught her that she owned her sadness and that it was part of her.
When she told me this I wasn’t sure what it meant or how it made me feel. But after thinking about it for several days I realized that it had a big effect on me. I too had to own my pain and my sadness. I had to admit that this was part of me and would be the tint which I now viewed life forever. I have always been Delaney’s Dad since she was first conceived and I always will be. Now instead of celebrating her and rejoicing in her smile or her touch. I am sad and hurt. I miss her smile and her touch. I mourn my loss. I mourn who she was and who she could have been. I mourn the thing that we should be enjoying together the good times that I will have in the near and distant future.
I own this sadness! I miss my baby girl. I am Delaney’s Dad and I miss her dearly.