Fic: Changing Reasons, BtVS, Spike, PG-13
Title: Changing Reasons
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Truth twisted is still truth.
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The show and characters belong to Joss, ME, and a host of other individuals and corporate entities.
Author's Notes: This was written for the 2nd turn of the Buffy and Angel Lyric Wheel. For some inexplicable reason, I had a huge amount of trouble with these lyrics (Everybody's Fool, Evanescence). This is about the 10th version of this fic. I hope it works. Lyrics follow the story. The lines I used are italicized. When this was written, I had only seen through End of Days. I finished out the season completely unspoiled, so it in no way shape or form matches up with the real events of the last couple of episodes of Buffy season 7.
"She doesn't love you. She's using you and the way you feel, keeping you close to her. Do you know why she does that? I'll tell you why. She does it because she doesn't trust you, because you shiny new soul and all, aren't good enough to want to fight on your own. She does it to all of them, uses them, their weaknesses to get her way." Buffy's diminutive form had barely quit talking to Spike in the hours since he had viewed that kiss. Funny that the First always chose this form to come to him, even when it was tearing her down.
Spike rubbed at his temples as if this presence was nothing more than a mild headache that would disappear with a little care. "You don't know her. She's better than that."
"Yeah right. Then what was that kiss about. She's playing you, all of you. But she doesn't love you, can't. Deep down inside you know I'm right. You've never believed she could love you. It's what sent you off to find your soul, and even then you were certain you weren't good enough. She's sure of it too. She can't love."
"I can't do this. I can't listen to it anymore." Spike stood and started walking.
The image of Buffy stayed alongside him. "Because you know it's true. I don't lie. I can't really." There was silence for a moment before the tactic shifted. "You shouldn't let her use you like this. You're better than that. You could be so much more than you are, more than she'll let you be."
"Shut the bloody hell up." Spike shouted and spun around Buffy's form disappearing even as he did.
"Spike? What's wrong?" Giles stepped from the shadows around the Summers home, concern almost fear lacing his voice.
Spike hadn't even realized he'd been coming back here. Somehow it had become home, the place he returned to in times of trouble. It was hardly appropriate now. "Nothing."
Giles stepped closer taking in the tight haunted look that had taken residence on Spike's features. "Tell me." The words were a command. "Is it the First, or just Angel?" These words were softer. Giles had been shocked at Angel's appearance with Buffy, upset even. Spike must be more so, and if he'd seen them together, well, he still wasn't convinced of Spike's stability.
Spike laughed, a harsh and humorless sound. "Is anything ever just Angel? I saw them if that's what you want to know."
Giles sighed. "Spike, I...well, I know you care about Buffy. You mustn't believe that anything that happens with Angel means anything. They passed any point where they could be together years ago." Giles wasn't sure he should be encouraging Spike in his almost obsessive love for Buffy, but if this conversation would avoid a larger confrontation it would be worth it.
Spike hesitated. He hadn't expected that kind of response from Giles. The man had seemed to be waging a personal vendetta against him, almost since his return. "The First, can it lie? It said to me once that it couldn't."
Giles thought about his answer for a moment. "I don't know that the First is incapable of lying, but the truth is always a stronger weapon. Have you seen it again?"
Spike responded with a curt nod.
"Truth can be twisted. The First uses truth for it's own purposes, never revealing the whole truth or the meaning behind it. It was through some truth that it held control over you the first time. The trick in breaking that hold is in recognizing the truth, but not allowing yourself to be manipulated by it." Giles wanted desperately to know what truth the First was using against Spike this time. He wanted to warn Buffy. Neither was an option. Spike wouldn't tell him and Buffy wouldn't listen to him. The best he could do was to try and make Spike understand how the process worked. "Listen, really listen to what it has to tell you and then think about what is being left out. Just remember that it's purpose is always to manipulate."
"Right then." Spike turned, not ready to go into Buffy's house, needing to think about the things the First had already said to him and would undoubtedly continue to say.
Giles walked away hoping that he had done the right thing.
In the hours just before dawn he returns to the house. Everyone is still up and active. It looks as if they're strategizing again. Everyone is sitting around the room, the potentials looking bored as Buffy rambled on yet again about what they needed to do, Willow and Kennedy very nearly ignoring her in favor of the wonder of each other's eyes, Andrew and Anya all nervous energy with no real outlet, and in the far corner Angel was speaking in low tones with the still seriously injured Faith. He waits for a lull in the conversation and goes to speak to Buffy. "Buffy, we need to talk."
She barely even looks at him. "Not now, Spike. I'm busy."
"Yes, now!" Spike yells drawing the attention of the entire room to him. He had wanted to do this in private, but Buffy had probably already destroyed that option. "This can't wait until after the apocalypse and you'll be busy at least that long." His voice came out bitter and angry.
"What's this about Spike?" Buffy is confused. The last time she had spoken with Spike, she thought he was happy.
"There's something that you need to hear, or at least that I need to say. You don't care about me, not really, not so it counts."
"Spike if this is about Angel..." Buffy starts, but Spike interrupts her.
"It's not about Angel, it's bloody well about you. I saw you with him tonight, but that's not important. You don't care, but you say you do. You lie, to me, to yourself. You do it to control us. All of us. Like if you can't convince me that you're love is a possibility I'll run away or join them. You use my love, you use Xander's loyalty, and Willow's guilt, and anything else you can find because you're just sure that without your manipulation none of us will ever be enough."
Buffy reacts to his words like a physical blow. The others just stare at the scene unfolding before them. "I don't have to listen to this. The First is obviously in your head again. Maybe Giles was right, maybe you are a liability."
Spike grabs her wrist. Buffy could break the hold if she really wanted, but Spike new she would stay. "You do have to listen to it. You build up this picture of yourself and everyone around you believes in it. We all believe in the perfect girl, the perfect slayer. Everyone around you practically worships you, but it's not real. None of it's real. You're angry and bitter. You're almost always cold to the people who care about you the most and unmindful of the pain you cause. You're not a particularly nice person."
"Are you finished?" Buffy practically spat.
"No, no, I'm not. I don't love you. I don't think I ever really did. I loved that picture, that image that you created and we all believed in, but not you. That's good because you can't love me. You aren't capable of it." Spike's voice trailed off. He was emotionally spent. This was the truth that the First had fed him and he had finally realized it.
For a moment Buffy looked crushed and Spike nearly regretted the words he had spoken, no matter how true they might have been. Then her face twisted into something betraying all of her anger. "How dare you. How dare you attack me, accuse me of things. I've done nothing but keep all of you alive. I've worked my ass off for all of you."
Behind Buffy's seething form a second image of her appeared and began speaking in a voice that only Spike could hear. He ignores the rest of Buffy's rant as he listens to the things the First has to say now. "She's starting again. You were right to say those things to her. She doesn't care about you. She's a bitch and she's using you. You could change that, though. You don't have to play by her rules. Right now, you could kill her. No one would even have time to stop you and she's too busy screaming about how you wronged her to react to it. The others too. They all deserve to die. After all, they're how she perpetuates her lies. Without them to continually feed the idea of the perfect girl the image would just crumble and fade away."
Spike smiled. "Go back to hell, where you belong. You don't get it do you. This truth can't hurt me anymore."
Buffy abruptly stopped talking at Spike's new words, thinking they were directed at her. His gaze was focused steadily past her and she finally understood that it was the First he was addressing with this odd satisfaction in his voice.
"I understand what Buffy isn't. What she never was and never will be. But you don't tell the whole truth, do you? You never bothered to say what Buffy is. She's a hero. She is what she has to be. The world needs her to be exactly who she is. You can't control me with this any more. At the risk of sounding like a goddamned kids movie, you have no power over me." Spike abruptly shifted his gaze turning instead to look at the real Buffy. "You're not real, and you can't save me. I'm not fighting for you any more. I'm fighting for myself, because this much the First told me really is true. I'm more, better than you think. Don't play games with me Buffy. They aren't necessary."
"Spike..." Buffy begins. The First is still trying to regain Spike's attention, but he turns away from them both and strides across to check on Faith's condition.
Artist: Evanescence
Song: Everybody's Fool
Perfect by nature
Icons of self indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that
Never was and never will be
Have you no shame don't you see me
You know you've got everybody fooled
Look here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when you're pretending
But now I know she
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
You know you've got everybody fooled
Without the mask where will you hide
Can't find yourself lost in your lie
I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore
It never was and never will be
You're not real and you can't save me
Somehow now you're everybody's fool