"everything's cool"
So here's the scenario: Drew and I were watching Will & Grace, which is something we do all of the time, and we're all cozy and laughy and the sort. Then he randomly brings up something that he told his sister that I really would have rathered him not tell her. Something that I know he knows that I would be uncomfortable and upset by. He realizes this one step too late, and before you know it I'm annoyed and turned off. He notices this instantly, and apologizes by saying that sometimes he doesn't think before he talks and he's saying that he doesn't know why he even brought it up when he knew I was in a really good mood and we were having a good time, blah blah blah. I get up and put my shoes on and leave, and now here I am.
But none of situational stuff really matters, even though it completely proves the next point. Lately I've been told by two very important people in my life (Graham and Alex) that I've become more tightly-wound and that I have more nervous energy than ever before; that "I used to be more laid-back." Now, this sort of stuff really disturbs me because 1.) no one wants to be told that they've changed in a negative way and 2.) who wants to be high-strung ?! I mean, yes I suppose I could agree that this has happened to me, and I think there are a whole variety of reasons behind it: college and the stress that that entails, my relationship with Alex, my relationships here and missing my "soul mates" (ha, yes I know, but Beth used that term as a joke last night and I think it's perfect -- perfectly hilarious, that is). College and growing up changes people, yes, but this is something that I want to stop dead in its tracks, before it completely takes over.
Beth thinks it might be because I'm so dependent on other people calming me down (or at least distracting me). She was always the one I vented to and then it just went away; here I just vent to myself and keep it internal until it nearly kills me, -- or whomever has pissed me off. Recently, my relationships have been a bit taxing, and I think that shows up in my moods as well. I know how my mom is/can get sometimes, and I really don't want to be that hard to deal with, especially when I can see what the repercussions of that are. (The thing is, I was thinking oh god I don't want to turn into my mom, when I realized it was my mom who gave my dad a copy of that book Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, which must mean my dad has some issues with that as well. So jesus christ, I'm ruined from both sides?)
So I've really decided that I have to start doing this on my own. I can/will learn how to deal with myself and not have little things constantly eat away at me. I think that's a norble resolution, don't you?
In news that's not really related but sort of is, a couple days away in my Ideal of the Educated Person philosophy class, we discussed a clause in morality that I think can really apply to a lot of things, especially the way I see my relationships. It's "ought implies can" which means that you cannot say that someone should do something unless you know that they are able to. For example, I can't say, oh Alex, you should KNOW why I'm angry! if I haven't told him or talked to him in days. You(or rather, I) can't assume that people can read your(my) mind. And I think that sometimes I demand too much from the people I'm in relationships with, like, I think that they are all-knowing and all-seeing and all-understanding. And I think that that corresponds to what I was talking about in the above paragraphs.
Ha. I guess I'm just being (or at the very least trying hard to be) introspective. We'll see where this goes, right?
But none of situational stuff really matters, even though it completely proves the next point. Lately I've been told by two very important people in my life (Graham and Alex) that I've become more tightly-wound and that I have more nervous energy than ever before; that "I used to be more laid-back." Now, this sort of stuff really disturbs me because 1.) no one wants to be told that they've changed in a negative way and 2.) who wants to be high-strung ?! I mean, yes I suppose I could agree that this has happened to me, and I think there are a whole variety of reasons behind it: college and the stress that that entails, my relationship with Alex, my relationships here and missing my "soul mates" (ha, yes I know, but Beth used that term as a joke last night and I think it's perfect -- perfectly hilarious, that is). College and growing up changes people, yes, but this is something that I want to stop dead in its tracks, before it completely takes over.
Beth thinks it might be because I'm so dependent on other people calming me down (or at least distracting me). She was always the one I vented to and then it just went away; here I just vent to myself and keep it internal until it nearly kills me, -- or whomever has pissed me off. Recently, my relationships have been a bit taxing, and I think that shows up in my moods as well. I know how my mom is/can get sometimes, and I really don't want to be that hard to deal with, especially when I can see what the repercussions of that are. (The thing is, I was thinking oh god I don't want to turn into my mom, when I realized it was my mom who gave my dad a copy of that book Don't Sweat the Small Stuff, which must mean my dad has some issues with that as well. So jesus christ, I'm ruined from both sides?)
So I've really decided that I have to start doing this on my own. I can/will learn how to deal with myself and not have little things constantly eat away at me. I think that's a norble resolution, don't you?
In news that's not really related but sort of is, a couple days away in my Ideal of the Educated Person philosophy class, we discussed a clause in morality that I think can really apply to a lot of things, especially the way I see my relationships. It's "ought implies can" which means that you cannot say that someone should do something unless you know that they are able to. For example, I can't say, oh Alex, you should KNOW why I'm angry! if I haven't told him or talked to him in days. You(or rather, I) can't assume that people can read your(my) mind. And I think that sometimes I demand too much from the people I'm in relationships with, like, I think that they are all-knowing and all-seeing and all-understanding. And I think that that corresponds to what I was talking about in the above paragraphs.
Ha. I guess I'm just being (or at the very least trying hard to be) introspective. We'll see where this goes, right?