[PFP] Fishing Boat for Ohno Project
HOW IT STARTED
A year ago, everyone went mad collecting money for the Tohoku Earthquake relief fund. Most especially, the Johnnys fans -- as lead by the Arashi fans. When all the panic and excitement died down, a handful of us realized how much Arashi fans would shell out at the snap of an Arashi finger. We're obediently obsessed that way.
Then, there was the HnA episode about how much the golfer was earning, aired on TBS. Our dear leader, Ohno Satoshi, mentioned that the golfer's salary was equivalent to 1 boat. Or at least the money that they showed in the episode was equivalent to one boat. So, in one of the random conversations in Twitter, Plurk and LiveJournal, the idea was born.
THE IDEA
Fishing makes Ohno Satoshi happy. When Ohno Satoshi is happy, he is motivated. When Ohno Satoshi is motivated, fans get wonderful Rii--da crack. Ohno Satoshi needs a boat to go on fishing. Therefore, Ohno Satoshi needs a boat to be forever happy and eternally give the fans fantastic cracks.
Though giving him weed would probably give us as much crack as How It's Going-Nino Cam. And it'll cheaper, too.
THE PLAN
If the math is right, fandom needs about US$ 200-300k for Ohno's boat. This price will fetch us a brand new saltwater fishing boat of high caliber. A boat that will truly make our dear leader happy. (Yeah, I checked saltwater fishing boats around California and we could get one much cheaper, but since we're buying for Japan, a little buffer wouldn't be bad).
Seeing as we were able to accumulate around 20k in less than a month as a collective effort -- and had we not been cock-blocked by Paypal, we could have gotten more -- the amount of money isn't really a light year ambition. There are more than a million fans in the fan club. There are more who hasn't had any luck getting a keitai mail and get into the fan club, like me. If each fangirl pledge a minimum of $10 into the project, in a few months, we would be able to get the projected US$200k goal.
US$10 isn't too steep. It's not too little either. Though of course, there will come a time when this would look like a money laundering scheme.
THE ACCOMPLICE
Once the US$200k has been reached, the fandom would need a representative in Japan to buy the boat, make sure the papers are correct, all transactions are legal, and make sure Ohno gets the damn boat.
The qualifications are as follows:
- He/She has to be someone who has a reputation to protect. And I mean, celebrity status kind of reputation to protect. In order for us to be sure that our money will not be stolen, we need a leverage on that person. If he/she doesn't buy the boat for us and give it to Ohno, we will send all gritty details to the tabloid and destroy him/her for good.
- He has to be a Johnnys. Johnnys Entertainment has a rule, no gifts will ever be received from fans. My theory, a couple of staff had drowned from too much plushies before this rule was invented. But, someone from Johnnys giving another Johnnys a gift wouldn't be against the rule, would it, now? They're just a couple of colleagues giving each other a gift for a job well done. Sorry, sexism and discrimination aside, no girls allowed.
- He has to be an Ohno fan. A fan who loves Ohno as much as we love our dear leader. A fan who will do anything for Ohno as much as we will do anything for Ohno. A fan who will do everything to make Ohno happy, just as much as we want Ohno to be happy.
- He has to be willing to pander to Ohno's whims, and not care what the agency thinks of it because his priorities are straight and narrow. His priority is Ohno.
wannatee_1984 said it should be one of the members of Arashi. I disagree. It should be Chinen Yuri, for qualification #4 alone. Nino will find it bothersome because it'll take time out of his gaming. MatsuJun is the general and a stickler to rules. Sho would be too busy. Aiba would be too afraid to be screamed at by their chief manager (oh ha~ I learned something from PapaDoru).
Chinen Yuri is the perfect candidate. He's not too busy. And he's as enamored by Ohno as we all are.
Do any of you have any other candidates to nominate? No? Figured that much.THE CONTRACT
Now, giving away a US$200k fishing boat for free isn't exactly a sound business strategy. I know, I know, I said it was a gift. But, imagine if you give Ohno a fishing boat he doesn't need to pay for an hourly rate. When do you think you'd see him next? Next month? Next season? Next year? Never?
Point is, he will disappear into the unknown. Like Captain Abe, chasing after Moby Dick.
So, how do we tie him down? A contract.
In exchange for the US$200k saltwater fishing boat, Ohno Satoshi will have to do the items below, otherwise, the boat will be forfeit and taken away:
- Dedicate a day in every week to his art, until he has enough to showcase for another one man show. No exceptions will be made, unless it's a season he has a renzoku to shoot. A tanpatsu will not be considered, unless it's 5 episodes of 2 hour specials.
- Perform a butai for a month. We sorely miss seeing Ohno Satoshi in his most natural habitat.
- A movie that is not a spin-off of a TV series. Seriously, Ohno Satoshi needs this, even Aiba has his own movie. (Preferably, something with Wong Kar Wai or Park Chan Wook or Hollywood, but I know that's asking for too much)
- A legit photobook that rivals Freestyle. Not just artsy fartsy stuff. Nekid Ohno will be greatly demanded appreciated.
- Arashi world tour. When i say World Tour -- I really mean WORLD TOUR. Since, I'm in the USA now, I can't easily get a cheap Cebu Pacific flight to Hong Kong or Thailand or Singapore, you know. And since, I thought of this first, I should get some kind of benefit out of it.
SUGGESTIONS
I know I'm missing some other important things that Ohno Satoshi needs to do before he can have the fishing boat. And basically the items above are mostly of my own desires only. However, I'm open to any suggestion.
Do you see a loophole? I'm also open to corrections and addendum.
But above all else ... this is all for fun, folks. ALL FOR FUN.
EDIT: 5/6/2012
kitsune_jade suggested: "Solo singles, solo album and a solo concert." (IMO: root of all evil, I don't want him to become another Yamapi. Solo singles and solo concert is fine though)
wannatee_1984 suggested: "add that he has to shave his eyebrows for real if he fails to meet our demands" over at twitter.
hemisofia said: "lol i'll be on the boat w a teeny bikini when ohno boards!" over at twitter.
suggestions welcome.
