UGH BOOKS
not a health update just a rant update
I just
so my werewolf book which was supposed to be a break away from fantasy and more into horrorville fell very much flat on its face and now I'm pretty much just writing whatever-the-fuck-ever just to get through it and I don't know maybe it'll be okay
I made vampires a bunch of gross semi-Voldemort things
because seriously I'm so sick of vampires
And my book for November, that I'll actually be doing for NaNoWriMo too not just my 12in12, is going to be all memoir style essays and recollections, entirely nonfiction.
And I'm going to title it "Honest Till It Bleeds" because that's just it, I'm going to be honest, super honest, scary honest, honest in a way that I'm usually not.
Honest with myself, anyway. And I'm going to write about things and say things that I really haven't even hinted at to anyone, because, well. Things. Brains. Scary. Self preservation. I don't know.
It's possible that as soon as this book is written I'm going to burn it and never show it to anyone (figuratively burn it I mean it'll be on a computer screen after all)
but part of me really hopes that I don't. And that I share it. And I just prove to my fucking self that I can be that open and bared and be okay. It's very likely that I'm going to offend a lot of people, but honestly, the people that matter (aka the ones that even read this journal still) won't care that much. I think I'm mostly worried about my parents seeing it. There's a certain level that you kind of need to maintain of standoffishness with family. You kind of need to make sure they still see you in a certain way.
I don't know.
But I keep thinking about it. And thinking about things I want to write about. Because it turns out that as much as it might scare me to talk about some of the scary things, maybe I want to talk about them after all. Like how I was really really trying to open up about self image issues, and being overweight.
That's going to be a lot of it.
And my depression.
Yeah. That.
The 1000000000000 crushes that I've had, and never even breathed out loud. Some of them on girls. Some of them on boys. I'm worried about showing that part to Brian. It's not like he'd care, I don't think. Or be upset. We've talked a little about our past relationships, but not really opened up about them. Honestly (and it's stupid) but when he talks about a girl he used to have feelings for, I immediately go on OKAY BUT YOU STILL LIKE ME THE BEST RIGHT and that is so STUPID AND JUST GOD
It's probably something we should be honest with each other about
And I'm actually going to talk about why I hated Bill Cable so much in middle school/high school
oh yeah
it's big
this book of mine
I don't know I'm still kind of scared
Blah.
I want to get this werewolf book over with and start writing about myself. There I said it.
I just
so my werewolf book which was supposed to be a break away from fantasy and more into horrorville fell very much flat on its face and now I'm pretty much just writing whatever-the-fuck-ever just to get through it and I don't know maybe it'll be okay
I made vampires a bunch of gross semi-Voldemort things
because seriously I'm so sick of vampires
And my book for November, that I'll actually be doing for NaNoWriMo too not just my 12in12, is going to be all memoir style essays and recollections, entirely nonfiction.
And I'm going to title it "Honest Till It Bleeds" because that's just it, I'm going to be honest, super honest, scary honest, honest in a way that I'm usually not.
Honest with myself, anyway. And I'm going to write about things and say things that I really haven't even hinted at to anyone, because, well. Things. Brains. Scary. Self preservation. I don't know.
It's possible that as soon as this book is written I'm going to burn it and never show it to anyone (figuratively burn it I mean it'll be on a computer screen after all)
but part of me really hopes that I don't. And that I share it. And I just prove to my fucking self that I can be that open and bared and be okay. It's very likely that I'm going to offend a lot of people, but honestly, the people that matter (aka the ones that even read this journal still) won't care that much. I think I'm mostly worried about my parents seeing it. There's a certain level that you kind of need to maintain of standoffishness with family. You kind of need to make sure they still see you in a certain way.
I don't know.
But I keep thinking about it. And thinking about things I want to write about. Because it turns out that as much as it might scare me to talk about some of the scary things, maybe I want to talk about them after all. Like how I was really really trying to open up about self image issues, and being overweight.
That's going to be a lot of it.
And my depression.
Yeah. That.
The 1000000000000 crushes that I've had, and never even breathed out loud. Some of them on girls. Some of them on boys. I'm worried about showing that part to Brian. It's not like he'd care, I don't think. Or be upset. We've talked a little about our past relationships, but not really opened up about them. Honestly (and it's stupid) but when he talks about a girl he used to have feelings for, I immediately go on OKAY BUT YOU STILL LIKE ME THE BEST RIGHT and that is so STUPID AND JUST GOD
It's probably something we should be honest with each other about
And I'm actually going to talk about why I hated Bill Cable so much in middle school/high school
oh yeah
it's big
this book of mine
I don't know I'm still kind of scared
Blah.
I want to get this werewolf book over with and start writing about myself. There I said it.