In which I watch arrested development.
It's finally started being rainy and cold. It is very strange to wish for these things, and I know it won't be long before I long for the sun.
Things have been...better...ish? lately. Brian and I have both been very stressed out lately, but we seem to be doing a little better for right now.
I'm trying sort of to be more creative. I think being in a play is a big part of that. It's a good exercise, I think, in stretching my creativity. Also, I have never made new friends so fast and so easily before. My favorite part, honestly, is the rehearsals. If we just hung out the whole time and rehearsed and chatted and hung out and we never had a performance, I'd be fine with that. It's kind of...rough...trying to get close to people again. I have my friends who have stuck by me and I'm fine with that and love them dearly. But...especially with the shit that went down with the last roommates, I just...feel really burned out on trying to get close to new people. The friends I've kept from high school, I think at this point it's pretty obvious we're going to be friends for life, at this point. I'm quite happy with that. And I had a group of friends in Buffalo, college friends, and it felt like they would be "That Group" that I would go back and visit and have the fond college memories of. But...it got really clear really quickly who wanted to bother with me for any length of time after that. I still think that I'm just a horrible person who drives people away, but...meh. Anyway, it's making it kind of hard to try to put myself out there again. But it's safe being in a fun, happy group. Friendmaking derp.
Speaking of creative...ness...it's getting...hard. Also. I think and have ideas and characters and stories, but...right now, I'm working two jobs and still constantly stressing about being able to pay bills. When I need a break from that, I don't really resort to putting forth an effort. I play video games, or read. When I'm writing, or even drawing (which I'm doing more of lately, or trying to anyway), I'm stuck back in my own head. Where all the problems and scariness is. It's easier and better (relaxing-wise) to do something to take my mind away from my mind. So I still feel down on myself for not trying so hard to create and write, so I feel guilty about it. Right now, wanting to write feels like a burden. Which makes me not want to write. Which kind of makes my entire life and everything I've worked for feel pretty meaningless.
I don't know what I want, I guess. I have ideas of what I want. I have an idea of trying to go to school and try to build computers, and I have an idea to stay with the drama club and stick with these friends and maybe try to do more gaming. Table-top kind.
I do know I want to be not on the West coast. I want to be closer to my family. We haven't been here long, maybe I'll still fall in love with it. But I want to be closer to them. Not, you know, living with my parents or anything. But I feel very unhappy being so far, in a...deep, in the bones kind of way.
Day by day, I guess. Day by day, and see what happens.
Things have been...better...ish? lately. Brian and I have both been very stressed out lately, but we seem to be doing a little better for right now.
I'm trying sort of to be more creative. I think being in a play is a big part of that. It's a good exercise, I think, in stretching my creativity. Also, I have never made new friends so fast and so easily before. My favorite part, honestly, is the rehearsals. If we just hung out the whole time and rehearsed and chatted and hung out and we never had a performance, I'd be fine with that. It's kind of...rough...trying to get close to people again. I have my friends who have stuck by me and I'm fine with that and love them dearly. But...especially with the shit that went down with the last roommates, I just...feel really burned out on trying to get close to new people. The friends I've kept from high school, I think at this point it's pretty obvious we're going to be friends for life, at this point. I'm quite happy with that. And I had a group of friends in Buffalo, college friends, and it felt like they would be "That Group" that I would go back and visit and have the fond college memories of. But...it got really clear really quickly who wanted to bother with me for any length of time after that. I still think that I'm just a horrible person who drives people away, but...meh. Anyway, it's making it kind of hard to try to put myself out there again. But it's safe being in a fun, happy group. Friendmaking derp.
Speaking of creative...ness...it's getting...hard. Also. I think and have ideas and characters and stories, but...right now, I'm working two jobs and still constantly stressing about being able to pay bills. When I need a break from that, I don't really resort to putting forth an effort. I play video games, or read. When I'm writing, or even drawing (which I'm doing more of lately, or trying to anyway), I'm stuck back in my own head. Where all the problems and scariness is. It's easier and better (relaxing-wise) to do something to take my mind away from my mind. So I still feel down on myself for not trying so hard to create and write, so I feel guilty about it. Right now, wanting to write feels like a burden. Which makes me not want to write. Which kind of makes my entire life and everything I've worked for feel pretty meaningless.
I don't know what I want, I guess. I have ideas of what I want. I have an idea of trying to go to school and try to build computers, and I have an idea to stay with the drama club and stick with these friends and maybe try to do more gaming. Table-top kind.
I do know I want to be not on the West coast. I want to be closer to my family. We haven't been here long, maybe I'll still fall in love with it. But I want to be closer to them. Not, you know, living with my parents or anything. But I feel very unhappy being so far, in a...deep, in the bones kind of way.
Day by day, I guess. Day by day, and see what happens.