the girl in byakkoka
I don't know what happened...
but the past couple days, I've literally looked into a mirror and gone "shit. who turned the hot on?"
I really don't know what happened. What changed, or what have you. I've just...really started finding myself to be attractive. more than that, but literally finding myself to be very sexy and beautiful and hot. (I've been wearing cute outfits the past couple days, maybe that had something to do with it.)
I don't think I've lost weight, or at least not a significant amount of it, I dyed my hair but it's not that noticeable a change, I've been wearing cute outfits but I've done that before adn even if I'm in night clothes I still think "wow. I really blossomed. shit."
Maybe my view of myself has been turning from girl/teenager to woman. And I can look at myself and see a big powerful gorgeous amazon WOMAN. annnnd she's hot.
I don't go "wow, I'm hot" but I think more along the lines of "wow, the girl in the mirror is really beautiful." it's not me; but when I move I can feel the self confidence moving in me, I can feel that I find myself beautiful. It's weird to explain.
It's a very, very weird feeling. I have no idea what brought it on or how long it will last. Buuuut...I like it. :)
Annnnd then I found out tonight that one of my longer running friends Nick in commuter council/CRAGG thought I was gay. Like, seriously. And long term. In all seriousness thought I liked girls.
Well, fuck.
If I'm gorgeous now, maybe that's why I STILL can't find a suitable male. fuck me and my apparent lesbianity.
It made me laugh almost to the point of crying, though. Because I just made a reference to my ex-boyfriend and Nick literally went "...wait. I don't mean this in an offensive way, but I really thought you liked girls." And I was like "wait...what?!"
and yesterday Vittoria, who's become one of my closest friends, actually had to ask me if I was gay or straight. (then again, I was messing around a lot with her.) I snuggle with Vittoria a lot in public, so I can kind of see why that would make people question my sexuality or at least our relationship, but shit. Nick knew me long before I brought her to commuter. WTFFFFF. lolz.
I've had a lot of people wonder but no one out right seriously think so, hahahaha.
hmph. my shell of "DON'T FLIRT WITH BOYS I ACTUALLY LIKE OR IN A SERIOUS WAY" has seriously back fired. I need to start putting myself out there, and actually showing when I'm interested in a male. I have such an intense negative reaction that I go completely the opposite way, of showing NOINTERESTATALL. I just have so many terror stories of middle school/high school along the lines of "oh, Jess likes you? EW." that it's just...really scarred me. and I don't want to scare away a guy I might like because I'm flirting with him and making it apparent that I want him. I'm going to work on that. I actually did a little bit today with a guy I met who was playing D&D with us, I told him I really liked his voice. (he really did have a FANTASSSSSSSSTIC voice. deep and VELLLVETTTTY SMOOOOTH.) which was funny because he was a little shorter than me and slender. (haha, not skinny, slender!) but very black and with the most amaaaaazing voice. haha. he took it very well! and we even chatted about it!
OH. fuck.
I got picked up again today.
One of the other guys who just joined up with the D&D games, Pat, a freshman who's on my RA friend Melissa's floor who I met on sunday night, joined up. And Vittoria asked him for a hug and he gave her one (we're very huggy in commuter) and then she said "ha! he gave me a hug!" so since my abilities were in question (lolz) I asked him for one too, and he gave me one as well. Except I stood up to give him mine (Vittles just stayed sitting) and he literally put his arms around me, hugged, then LIFTED. AND I WAS ONCE AGAIN. IN THE AIR. WITH LEGS FLAILING. AND SQUEALING. LIKE A WOMANNNNNNNNNN. not as loud as when walter picked me up, hahaha. then I pouted and told him he immasculated me. then one of my other friends Ulysses said "but you're not a man!" and I said "THAT DOESN'T MATTER. HMPH." then I told Pat he gave very good hugs, haha. (I'm going to hug him more. and tell him I like his hugs. and even the picking me up was okay, it was just startling. BECAUSE I LIKE IT AND IT'S OKAY TO EXPRESS THAT.)
all in all...fun night. lolz. :)
but the past couple days, I've literally looked into a mirror and gone "shit. who turned the hot on?"
I really don't know what happened. What changed, or what have you. I've just...really started finding myself to be attractive. more than that, but literally finding myself to be very sexy and beautiful and hot. (I've been wearing cute outfits the past couple days, maybe that had something to do with it.)
I don't think I've lost weight, or at least not a significant amount of it, I dyed my hair but it's not that noticeable a change, I've been wearing cute outfits but I've done that before adn even if I'm in night clothes I still think "wow. I really blossomed. shit."
Maybe my view of myself has been turning from girl/teenager to woman. And I can look at myself and see a big powerful gorgeous amazon WOMAN. annnnd she's hot.
I don't go "wow, I'm hot" but I think more along the lines of "wow, the girl in the mirror is really beautiful." it's not me; but when I move I can feel the self confidence moving in me, I can feel that I find myself beautiful. It's weird to explain.
It's a very, very weird feeling. I have no idea what brought it on or how long it will last. Buuuut...I like it. :)
Annnnd then I found out tonight that one of my longer running friends Nick in commuter council/CRAGG thought I was gay. Like, seriously. And long term. In all seriousness thought I liked girls.
Well, fuck.
If I'm gorgeous now, maybe that's why I STILL can't find a suitable male. fuck me and my apparent lesbianity.
It made me laugh almost to the point of crying, though. Because I just made a reference to my ex-boyfriend and Nick literally went "...wait. I don't mean this in an offensive way, but I really thought you liked girls." And I was like "wait...what?!"
and yesterday Vittoria, who's become one of my closest friends, actually had to ask me if I was gay or straight. (then again, I was messing around a lot with her.) I snuggle with Vittoria a lot in public, so I can kind of see why that would make people question my sexuality or at least our relationship, but shit. Nick knew me long before I brought her to commuter. WTFFFFF. lolz.
I've had a lot of people wonder but no one out right seriously think so, hahahaha.
hmph. my shell of "DON'T FLIRT WITH BOYS I ACTUALLY LIKE OR IN A SERIOUS WAY" has seriously back fired. I need to start putting myself out there, and actually showing when I'm interested in a male. I have such an intense negative reaction that I go completely the opposite way, of showing NOINTERESTATALL. I just have so many terror stories of middle school/high school along the lines of "oh, Jess likes you? EW." that it's just...really scarred me. and I don't want to scare away a guy I might like because I'm flirting with him and making it apparent that I want him. I'm going to work on that. I actually did a little bit today with a guy I met who was playing D&D with us, I told him I really liked his voice. (he really did have a FANTASSSSSSSSTIC voice. deep and VELLLVETTTTY SMOOOOTH.) which was funny because he was a little shorter than me and slender. (haha, not skinny, slender!) but very black and with the most amaaaaazing voice. haha. he took it very well! and we even chatted about it!
OH. fuck.
I got picked up again today.
One of the other guys who just joined up with the D&D games, Pat, a freshman who's on my RA friend Melissa's floor who I met on sunday night, joined up. And Vittoria asked him for a hug and he gave her one (we're very huggy in commuter) and then she said "ha! he gave me a hug!" so since my abilities were in question (lolz) I asked him for one too, and he gave me one as well. Except I stood up to give him mine (Vittles just stayed sitting) and he literally put his arms around me, hugged, then LIFTED. AND I WAS ONCE AGAIN. IN THE AIR. WITH LEGS FLAILING. AND SQUEALING. LIKE A WOMANNNNNNNNNN. not as loud as when walter picked me up, hahaha. then I pouted and told him he immasculated me. then one of my other friends Ulysses said "but you're not a man!" and I said "THAT DOESN'T MATTER. HMPH." then I told Pat he gave very good hugs, haha. (I'm going to hug him more. and tell him I like his hugs. and even the picking me up was okay, it was just startling. BECAUSE I LIKE IT AND IT'S OKAY TO EXPRESS THAT.)
all in all...fun night. lolz. :)