(no subject)
Time is pressing and I become more immobile as each hour nears. I wait for what seems like seconds, yet months have gone by and I'm not even having fun, so where does the time go? Wasted. It's like I'm waiting to die, but I yearn to be more alive and in that pursuit alone, it leaves me feeling more dead than before. I thought as long as you were chasing something, it would make you happy, but unless you know what you're chasing, you're just running in circles. It's not how fast you go, as long as you never stop. Well, I've got a lot of running to do. Hell, let's start with walking.
It's just been over a year now with the guy I'm with and let's just say, I'm astonished really at the fact that I wasn't able to hold down a job whatsoever, but somehow maintain a relationship for that amount of time. It's startling really. I'm amazed we're still trekking on. I haven't had a full-time relationship since forever ago and was starting to wonder if I should start investing in cats.
So after 27 years, I've come to a conclusion that a lot of my own downfall in relationships, in life, and just in general is not being able to accept things at face value. I always feel there's more than meets the eye when sometimes, things just are as they are. It is what it is, but is it? Maybe I have a hard time accepting things as they are because I know for myself, there's a lot of concealment.. not because I'm afraid or fear what others think, but instead it's a protective measure for me to gauge my bearings or where things are in relation to me. I realize people all have their own versions which they present to people, as do I no matter how direct I appear. Knowing this, I'm always digging deeper than the surface to see what's underneath the challenge and if you don't know your territory, it can be dangerous, but maybe I want to know what makes people tick because inadvertently that helps me learn what makes ME tick and that's one sure way of finding out.
You know, I thought I had a lot to say a moment ago before I began writing this, but as you can see, not much is new. I love how that happens.. ideas evaporating into thin air to become nothing more than what it was.
It's just been over a year now with the guy I'm with and let's just say, I'm astonished really at the fact that I wasn't able to hold down a job whatsoever, but somehow maintain a relationship for that amount of time. It's startling really. I'm amazed we're still trekking on. I haven't had a full-time relationship since forever ago and was starting to wonder if I should start investing in cats.
So after 27 years, I've come to a conclusion that a lot of my own downfall in relationships, in life, and just in general is not being able to accept things at face value. I always feel there's more than meets the eye when sometimes, things just are as they are. It is what it is, but is it? Maybe I have a hard time accepting things as they are because I know for myself, there's a lot of concealment.. not because I'm afraid or fear what others think, but instead it's a protective measure for me to gauge my bearings or where things are in relation to me. I realize people all have their own versions which they present to people, as do I no matter how direct I appear. Knowing this, I'm always digging deeper than the surface to see what's underneath the challenge and if you don't know your territory, it can be dangerous, but maybe I want to know what makes people tick because inadvertently that helps me learn what makes ME tick and that's one sure way of finding out.
You know, I thought I had a lot to say a moment ago before I began writing this, but as you can see, not much is new. I love how that happens.. ideas evaporating into thin air to become nothing more than what it was.