The Struggle
This is my first entry into thee adventure of my expression. As with all beginnings the preface ensues...this new's years came and went without a resolution. I have carefully planned each years hopeful wish as though the absence of making a resolution would result in nothing but short comings. Maybe I was just at the point in my life where I was tired of being trampled, aching from the constant self-defeat, and longing for a more meaningful year than of those of my scattered past. I wondered why do people make such short lived and superficial goals each year? I don't understand why self-evaluation should only happen once a year, why between champaigne and party hats we plan the next 365 days of our lives? So here I am 21 days later without the caffine induced headaches, the empty stomach pains, and sore muscles of the never-ending pursuit of beauty. I have turned my perfectionism into an internal house cleaning. I have stopped covering my imperfections with imported self-confidence. I am looking directly at every flaw and weeping silently in the shadow of what has been my life. I have to learn to love me and perfect me in every way imaginable. I am searching for the permanent force that will keep me sane within my own skin. I am a wishing well that has been crackled and crumbled over time. I continue to thoughtlessly count my pennies without paying any attention to my desolate foundation. Until now, for I will not let men mold me into something I am not. break. Part two begins the streams of sunlight breaking through the billowy clouds. A connection. A spark. A gift. Thankful for the opportunity to help guide your broken heart, for the late night advice that was sent from one heart's scar mend another. You are beautiful and intense. You are lifting me up for others to see and are inspiring me to be bold and kind as your eyes light up in a pure optimistic smile. Life has a funny way of guiding you to those people who fill a part of your world you never knew existed. So here's my late new years toast...to a new friend that will continue to brighten my days, and to a united goal of self-fulfillment that we will help each other rise to, here's to happiness, and most of all, here's to patiently awaiting the bittersweet, grainy, off-balance, floating, warm feeling of love. There will be no more numbness, for life is an assortment of pain and pleasure, and I am thankful to be able to feel both. To feel the sun and the rain. To smile and cry with a friend that mirrors my soul.