(no subject)
Well.........I am a party mix of emotions tonight. None of them are good at all. The world has slowly wrapped it's hands around my throat......but as slow as age. I never saw all this coming at once. This is my pattern though. A huge ocean.....I'm either surfing at the top of a tsunami....or drowning at the bottom. I am fighting myself again, with my reasons....my being, my opinion. I see from too many perceptions and I used to think that was a good thing but it will make a person quiet...and confused. Just what is my opinion on anything......is it right?, what's right?....do I give a fuck what's right....I MOST CERTAINLY DO for some ungodly reason. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.....this is something I can't seem to care about.....why??? Is that a good trait....maybe....unless it's because you have been molded by society to care about what other people think about you other than your own wellbeing. OH SHIT!! So that's where I stand. I care.....too much, and I can't stop. The second I decide to start doing something for Mr. Uno for the 1st time in my life....there's always that 1 fucking person with a huge fucking sledghammer....right there to nail me with "You are greedy!!" YES I AM FUCKING GREEDY!!!! THAT'S WHY I DON'T OWN 1 FUCKING THING! That's why I write and sing in an UNDER the underground fucking unknown act that maybe 2 people in every state might like because it's hard and offensive. That's why I write music for the pickiest bitches on earth!!!! "UH, I don't like that song because it has a guitar in it", or "Dude, Industrial's dead..........people are writing Post-industrial now...get with the program." ....and that's exactly why you see me sporting stretch-pants, creepers, and a tight T-shirt with a pussy hawk that's 2 colors of blond too!! I DON't Give A Fuck About Trends. WHY?? I could own a nice house......Fuck bitches all the time!!!, Own a pool, wear flashy jewelry, and could be drivin a Gold hearse by now.
LIFE COUld be SO easy if I actually cared about myself. What the fuck is wrong with me?? Why am I who I am and what the hell am I. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. The off the wall, testosterone pumped, headcharger, on a mission to take over the world! Now......I'm confused, emotional, depressed, pissed, lost, and trapped. There are so many fucking layers to everything....every step of the process has a sub-process attached that must be evaluated properly before moving to the next.......I can't even find the bottom......they just keep going and going and fucking going. Maybe this is just one of those days, I have them....when I think way too hard. I have a problem with zooming in on issues....then diving into them, dividing them....organizing the data, analyzing it all, and theorizing, then researching, and putting it all back together in multiple perceptions. The world, and it's system is a giant complex 3 dimensional cartoon in my mind. A giant glass overview with a magnifying tool. Reminds me of Sim City. Everything has rules, structures, layers, systems, plots, choices, directions, consequences. I wrote this last week..........this is truly getting yourself trapped inside one of those zooms.
Freedom is a state of Mind. Have you ever watched a dog catcher catch an animal......and wondered,"why does it let him put that fucking noose around his neck, why doesn't it fight for escape, is it's instincts not Screaming at him right now!!!". Remember the soft kind words the catcher used........the slow movements.....the determination, the deception. Then, as soon as trust is installed, the noose is pulled tight and escape is obselete.... Well, the same thing has happened to you. Illusions and temptations surround you. See it's deception!! There is a box, and it's outside is covered by smiling faces, lavish riches, sex, and rainbows with a logo that reads,"Consume" Inside are tons and tons of magazines. The 1st couple are filled with wonderful pictures.....full-color pages...and happiness......but from there the colors fade..... and it fades so slowly that we don't notice. We keep digging for more....like a game of scavenger hunt. Digging digging digging. The pretty adds and funny pictures get farther and farther apart. Somewhere deep in the box we realize that we are far too deep to get out. The walls are taller than us.....and we are sinking. We look down and the pretty magazines have turned to mud. Just when it seems hopeless.....we reach down and find a sliver of hope........a shovel!! What else could be down there? Then we find an add, a picture of a rich man with a huge house, and a giant pool filled with women. The headliner says"You have to Dig Deep if you want Success". With this new excitement, you begin digging.....as fast as you can.....until it becomes so dark and cold, and your body hurts so much that you can't move. You feel around the tight hole you stand in and notice a light switch. You're hands race up and flip it on. What you see before you is horrifying. What you see before you is YOU, or your reflection in a mirror.....an old, cold, lifeless bag of bones. You can't even remember what your hands use to look like. Now they are frail and thin, covered in wrinkles, but you're palms are an inch thick with callous. Written on the mirror in blood is a message...."Thank you", signed: your country. Now the light slowly goes out and you feel your lungs tighten. As you lie down for your last time in the grave that you dug yourself one last smile is squeezed from your face, one thought made all this easier. You always had looked forward to heaven. You close your eyes......................and wait................
BTW...Genesis P. Orridge is another hero of mine.
If you think you should give up life and all desire to become a revolutionary.....how do you find others that have done the same. How do you trust those that you find. Is this step 2 to becoming a homeless Bum.
LOL, no one listen to me. I am totally insane. It's funny how you can read 1 persons last 5 LJ post and hurt as bad as I do.
LIFE COUld be SO easy if I actually cared about myself. What the fuck is wrong with me?? Why am I who I am and what the hell am I. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. The off the wall, testosterone pumped, headcharger, on a mission to take over the world! Now......I'm confused, emotional, depressed, pissed, lost, and trapped. There are so many fucking layers to everything....every step of the process has a sub-process attached that must be evaluated properly before moving to the next.......I can't even find the bottom......they just keep going and going and fucking going. Maybe this is just one of those days, I have them....when I think way too hard. I have a problem with zooming in on issues....then diving into them, dividing them....organizing the data, analyzing it all, and theorizing, then researching, and putting it all back together in multiple perceptions. The world, and it's system is a giant complex 3 dimensional cartoon in my mind. A giant glass overview with a magnifying tool. Reminds me of Sim City. Everything has rules, structures, layers, systems, plots, choices, directions, consequences. I wrote this last week..........this is truly getting yourself trapped inside one of those zooms.
Freedom is a state of Mind. Have you ever watched a dog catcher catch an animal......and wondered,"why does it let him put that fucking noose around his neck, why doesn't it fight for escape, is it's instincts not Screaming at him right now!!!". Remember the soft kind words the catcher used........the slow movements.....the determination, the deception. Then, as soon as trust is installed, the noose is pulled tight and escape is obselete.... Well, the same thing has happened to you. Illusions and temptations surround you. See it's deception!! There is a box, and it's outside is covered by smiling faces, lavish riches, sex, and rainbows with a logo that reads,"Consume" Inside are tons and tons of magazines. The 1st couple are filled with wonderful pictures.....full-color pages...and happiness......but from there the colors fade..... and it fades so slowly that we don't notice. We keep digging for more....like a game of scavenger hunt. Digging digging digging. The pretty adds and funny pictures get farther and farther apart. Somewhere deep in the box we realize that we are far too deep to get out. The walls are taller than us.....and we are sinking. We look down and the pretty magazines have turned to mud. Just when it seems hopeless.....we reach down and find a sliver of hope........a shovel!! What else could be down there? Then we find an add, a picture of a rich man with a huge house, and a giant pool filled with women. The headliner says"You have to Dig Deep if you want Success". With this new excitement, you begin digging.....as fast as you can.....until it becomes so dark and cold, and your body hurts so much that you can't move. You feel around the tight hole you stand in and notice a light switch. You're hands race up and flip it on. What you see before you is horrifying. What you see before you is YOU, or your reflection in a mirror.....an old, cold, lifeless bag of bones. You can't even remember what your hands use to look like. Now they are frail and thin, covered in wrinkles, but you're palms are an inch thick with callous. Written on the mirror in blood is a message...."Thank you", signed: your country. Now the light slowly goes out and you feel your lungs tighten. As you lie down for your last time in the grave that you dug yourself one last smile is squeezed from your face, one thought made all this easier. You always had looked forward to heaven. You close your eyes......................and wait................
BTW...Genesis P. Orridge is another hero of mine.
If you think you should give up life and all desire to become a revolutionary.....how do you find others that have done the same. How do you trust those that you find. Is this step 2 to becoming a homeless Bum.
LOL, no one listen to me. I am totally insane. It's funny how you can read 1 persons last 5 LJ post and hurt as bad as I do.