(no subject)
Life is filled with disappointment. Waking up and realizing the young lady from the intoxicated night before is actually a moustache bearing man named Phil could indeed be the start of a very disturbing day. Possibly even more disturbing if your name was Phil as well, or perhaps that he was also your 3rd grade math teacher. All of these things slowly dawning on you as the alcohol induced fog is slowly lifted could indeed coax some disappointment, Nay some vile revulsion and the thought of emigrating to a non-english speaking country.
Thankfully this scenario has not happened to me. Difficult…… my name is not Phil, although the other parts theoretically could crop up at some point in time if my alcohol consumption remains on its current exponential rise. This rather dark and disconcerting scenario is what it is like to sit through the movie “Ultraviolet”.
You bumble into your local blockbuster, slightly worse for the wine I’ll admit, and begin surveying the selection of single DVD’s. Perhaps if I’m feeling really energetic I could take two of them home. Nope! Tonight was to be a one movie stand. Which wanton tart of a movie should I select and whisper sweet nothings at. Something classy like Gone with the Wind., or maybe a younger, firmer, riper, more colourful film, one with a sense of humor, or depth or intelligence. Absolutely not! Tonight was not the time for Saving Private Ryan or even a classic Indiana Jones. A real harlot is desired, some shiny box wearing, tight plastic wrap jezzabel. One of those movies that just can’t wait to get out of it’s box and into your warm inviting player, with your remote control in your hand it would scream:
“Play Me! Yes! Push my buttons!”
Ah! A truly cheap action chick flick. A curvy predatory hussy. Tonight I was drunk enough to finally have the courage to give the sultry minx in the corner a quick fondle, take her back to my place, have another drink, and then let her show me everything in the comfort of my own living room. The movie stars Milla Jovovich. Yes the same Milla from such glorious classics as: Resident Evil and The 5th Element. Cute, Tall, Flat stomach that looks as comfortable as a Tempur-Pedic pillow.
Generally she doesn’t get to say much and really has nothing to do with the plot. It needs to go back to being that way. I did not pick up this movie for attempted dialogue, or the hint of something deeper. All I wanted was action, old fashioned action…..bloody maiming and killing, with the occasional gratuitous inner thigh neck break move thrown in for good measure.
BUT NO!. She wanted to talk, she wanted to care about children, she wanted to hint at philosophy. Damn it Woman! What about my needs! Go back to the tight plastic outfits and slow motion acrobatic fight scenes that were discussed in the previews. Stop trying to grow a moustache and act like a 3rd grade teacher. If I wanted complication, conversation afterward, or even a quick look back at the better scenes the next day then I would have rented out Usual Suspects.
I have seen better plot devices in third rate porn movies, and more convincing acting from the Italian soccer team. How can you tell a movie that she is moving away from her best assets and into territory that is really not meant for a film of her stock and caliber? I tried to plead with her, valiantly searched through her deleted scenes, even gently probed her director’s commentary, but it got me nowhere.
Closed up in the box now. Both of us feeling rejected and betrayed. How did this happen? Why? The night was young and started off so well. Shiny cover with tight plastic pants and a long sword. Why? Maybe it’s me? Perhaps I should set my goals higher than the sirens lure of the trampy succubus. To what end though? What sort of life is this for a drunken film addict? A movie that I compare all other rentals too? To endlessly search the film aisles and 2nd hand DVD piles for the one lost movie that I fondly remember from High School. Ach! It is hopeless no movie will ever compare to…………..
Thankfully this scenario has not happened to me. Difficult…… my name is not Phil, although the other parts theoretically could crop up at some point in time if my alcohol consumption remains on its current exponential rise. This rather dark and disconcerting scenario is what it is like to sit through the movie “Ultraviolet”.
You bumble into your local blockbuster, slightly worse for the wine I’ll admit, and begin surveying the selection of single DVD’s. Perhaps if I’m feeling really energetic I could take two of them home. Nope! Tonight was to be a one movie stand. Which wanton tart of a movie should I select and whisper sweet nothings at. Something classy like Gone with the Wind., or maybe a younger, firmer, riper, more colourful film, one with a sense of humor, or depth or intelligence. Absolutely not! Tonight was not the time for Saving Private Ryan or even a classic Indiana Jones. A real harlot is desired, some shiny box wearing, tight plastic wrap jezzabel. One of those movies that just can’t wait to get out of it’s box and into your warm inviting player, with your remote control in your hand it would scream:
“Play Me! Yes! Push my buttons!”
Ah! A truly cheap action chick flick. A curvy predatory hussy. Tonight I was drunk enough to finally have the courage to give the sultry minx in the corner a quick fondle, take her back to my place, have another drink, and then let her show me everything in the comfort of my own living room. The movie stars Milla Jovovich. Yes the same Milla from such glorious classics as: Resident Evil and The 5th Element. Cute, Tall, Flat stomach that looks as comfortable as a Tempur-Pedic pillow.
Generally she doesn’t get to say much and really has nothing to do with the plot. It needs to go back to being that way. I did not pick up this movie for attempted dialogue, or the hint of something deeper. All I wanted was action, old fashioned action…..bloody maiming and killing, with the occasional gratuitous inner thigh neck break move thrown in for good measure.
BUT NO!. She wanted to talk, she wanted to care about children, she wanted to hint at philosophy. Damn it Woman! What about my needs! Go back to the tight plastic outfits and slow motion acrobatic fight scenes that were discussed in the previews. Stop trying to grow a moustache and act like a 3rd grade teacher. If I wanted complication, conversation afterward, or even a quick look back at the better scenes the next day then I would have rented out Usual Suspects.
I have seen better plot devices in third rate porn movies, and more convincing acting from the Italian soccer team. How can you tell a movie that she is moving away from her best assets and into territory that is really not meant for a film of her stock and caliber? I tried to plead with her, valiantly searched through her deleted scenes, even gently probed her director’s commentary, but it got me nowhere.
Closed up in the box now. Both of us feeling rejected and betrayed. How did this happen? Why? The night was young and started off so well. Shiny cover with tight plastic pants and a long sword. Why? Maybe it’s me? Perhaps I should set my goals higher than the sirens lure of the trampy succubus. To what end though? What sort of life is this for a drunken film addict? A movie that I compare all other rentals too? To endlessly search the film aisles and 2nd hand DVD piles for the one lost movie that I fondly remember from High School. Ach! It is hopeless no movie will ever compare to…………..