Snow Petals - Chapter Eighteen -
[Multi-Chapter] Snow Petals
Pairings: MaruDa, RyoDa, Akame, TaNaka (past), KoTego, Jin/Ueda/Ryo friendship, Junno/Maru/Koki friendship, Jin/Kame/Koki/Pi friendship…
Rating: 14-A?
Warning: violence, abuse, swearing, stalking, alcohol abuse, some mentions of drugs (it was just a tranquilizer!), character death, some gore… who knows what else’ll come up.
Summary: There he was, running again, hoping again, escaping again… can he make it this time? If he can’t, he’ll really kill him this time. But what if the help of a compassionate stranger gives him and his friends the desperately needed strength to overcome him? What if all it takes is a helping hand and the help of a newcomer to heal the scars left from the fight?
(Bad summary but just read it and you’ll understand muaha)
Disclaimer: I don’t own these guys! Well, so far I own Shoji and Hideo and whichever other OC’s pop up but otherwise, nope! Well, Ryo’s like an OC… but that doesn’t matter. And Rina and Misaru’s names are mine, but Ryo’s parents aren’t *laugh*
| Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chap. 2 - 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 |
| Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapt. 10 |
| Chapt. 11 | Chapt. 12 | Chapt. 13 | Chapt. 14 | Chapt. 15 |
| Chapt. 16 | Chapt. 17 |
Chapter 18
He stares blankly out the train window as the white and grey scenery flashes past in a blur. He doesn’t know how it happened, but after his breakdown last night in the early hours of the morning, he hasn’t felt a thing. He didn’t feel bad when he phoned Yuichi and told him he’d be gone out of town for a few days, he didn’t feel crushed this morning like he did last night, he didn’t feel as if his entire world was collapsing again when he woke up and right now, he doesn’t feel as if his heart is being gripped and torn, slowly, by a ghostly hand from his rib-cage like he’s sure it should. He isn’t afraid of seeing Ryo’s face again, he isn’t afraid of the white chrysanthemums and incense that will be scattered around Ryo’s parents’ house, he doesn’t feel sad or lonely or hurt or beaten or even defeated. He simply sits and stares blankly out the train window as the white and grey scenery flashes past in a blur.
“Tatchan? I brought food,” Jin returns with two sandwiches and sits across from him. He looks at the cell-phone dangling loosely from Tatsuya’s hand and asks, “Are you waiting for him to call?”
Tatsuya stirs and stares at him with that empty-eyed look. “Who? Oh, no. I’d forgotten I was holding it…” he looks down at the phone and stows it away in a pocket.
Jin frowns. “Okay… well, here’s your sandwich,” he offers it to Tatsuya, who reaches out slowly. Jin’s eyebrows crease together in a frown. He’s like a robot… all he does is sit and stare out and he even moves slowly, as if he was treading water. Why? “Tatchan, are you- how… are you feeling?”
Tatsuya looks up from his sandwich. “…Empty. Numb. Like I’m full to the brim with nothing but tepid water,” he says bluntly. “It’s kind of nice, considering.”
Jin shudders at the monotone voice and forces himself to take a bite of his own sandwich. From the little speaker above their heads, an announcer informs them that it will be another half hour until they reach Osaka.
For the remainder of the trip, the two friends try to focus on what’s passing by outside the train windows. When they finally arrive, it takes them a moment to grasp the fact that they’ve reached their destination, but Tatsuya soon stands and gets their bags and they head out to the entrance of the station. When they told Ryo’s parents they would come for the funeral, they immediately offered to have the young men stay at their family home for the duration of their stay. Misaru and Rina Nishikido greet them tearfully and with many hugs that Tatsuya feels they need more than he or Jin do. Well, maybe only himself. Jin seems as close to tears as Auntie Rina.
Husband and wife drive the young men out to their home and tell them to settle in, dinner will be ready soon. Jin and Tatsuya are subdued, quiet, but the Nishikidos aren’t insulted in the least. They’re grateful ‘the boys’ came at all. Especially Tatsuya. The moment they saw the young man, they held his hand and bowed deeply, begging for forgiveness for their treatment of him and their son. He forgave them; who wouldn’t be confused, lost and hurt when their own flesh and blood turned out so twisted and they could do nothing to control him? They didn’t understand what was going on. No one can blame them for that, Tatsuya thought to himself, seeing Rina’s tears.
Dinner was a little later than they thought but neither Jin nor Tatsuya seems to mind.
“Tatsuya-kun? Are you not hungry?”
He looks up, startled out of his daze. “Oh… I’m sorry, I was just distracted…”
Jin frowns at him and gives him a worried look but he shrugs it off. The Nishikidos misinterpret it.
“If you need some time alone before the funeral, we understand,” Misaru says. “And Jin-kun, you too. We won’t force you-”
“That’s alright, Uncle, Auntie. I was just daydreaming again, I guess. I’m sorry. The food is delicious, by the way. I see where he got it from,” he says politely.
Jin doesn’t know what to make of his friend’s behaviour. He would understand if Tatsuya couldn’t stop crying, or wouldn’t say a word but this… normal-seeming Tatsuya unsettles him. “I’m sorry Auntie, Uncle, but I’m afraid I don’t have much of an appetite. Please excuse me; I’ll go set up our things in the bedroom,” he bows his head in apology and leaves and the remaining three listen to his steps down the hall.
“Tatsuya-kun, I realize this is… difficult to talk about, but… what was Ryo like, just before he- before the accident?” Rina asks hesitantly after Jin leaves.
Tatsuya looks at her straight in the eye and she, like Jin earlier, is unsettled by the lack of shock, sadness or any emotion there. When he begins to tell them about Ryo’s sickness, the course of it until his death, his tone is that of a person recounting a normal day at work. His voice is detached, level and fluent. When he’s finished and Rina and Misaru both are in tears, he bows his head respectfully but still doesn’t feel a thing.
And that terrifies him.
I should be crying like a baby right now… at the very least, I should be missing him and my chest should hurt and I should have a knot in my stomach and my throat and- but why don’t I? Why don’t I feel anything?
“Tatsuya-kun… thank you so much for-for being there,” Misaru says after he’s composed himself. “It means so much to us as parents to have had people like you and Jin-kun stay by his side even when he was in such a state. And thank you for coming…for his f-funeral,” the man stutters on the word, “and we would be honoured if you would say a few words… at his g-grave, tomorrow. If that’s alright,” he adds quickly.
Tatsuya bows. “I would be honoured to do such a service. I’ll… prepare something, gather my thoughts, tonight,” he gathers his dishes and sets down his chopsticks. “Thank you for the meal, it was wonderful. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll go check on Jin.”
“Of course, go ahead, Tatsuya-kun,” Rina says and he stands.
After a slight hesitation, Tatsuya adds, “Thank you for… accepting us. It really meant a lot to him, and still means a lot to me, for you to have accepted us as lovers. I’m sure it was difficult.”
Rina smiles at him through her tears and shakes her head. “H-how could we not, Tatsuya-kun? You, Jin-kun and R-Ryo were always so close and you’ve always been so sweet, so caring and well-mannered. You’re so strong, Tatsuya-kun. And you’ve always been like a son to us besides. We could have done a lot worse.”
A ghost of a smile graces Tatsuya’s lips. “Thank you, Auntie.” He heads to his and Jin’s bedroom, the same one the three friends used to share when they were kids. “Jin…?” He takes one look at the hunched over figure and rushes to sit next to him and throws an arm over his shoulders.
Jin stays still for a while, eventually looking up at him. “Why is it you’re so calm? Why are your eyes so dead? Why aren’t you suffering more than any of us? Tatchan, what’s going on?” he blurts out and the words are slurred together a little they’re said so fast.
“I… don’t know, Jin. I was hurting before and when you gave me the letter, I thought my chest was going to rip in two but then it just… stopped. Maybe I’m in shock,” he tries out a smile. It doesn’t fit right. He sighs. “I’m sure that once I say my piece tomorrow, I’ll break down again. I can feel it, like a nagging ache between my eyes where the tears are trapped. And I don’t know which scares me more: not feeling anything, or knowing that I will and that it’ll break my heart again. But I’m afraid, Jin. I’m afraid of now and I’m afraid of then but I guess I might as well make the most of this numbness, right?”
Jin shakes his head and dark spots speckle his jeans. He smiles, but it’s a crooked kind of smile, a weak one. “I don’t understand you, Tatchan. You’re so strong, but so fragile. You help others be strong when inside, you’re more broken even than them. Even now, I’m the one in tears and though he was our friend, he was the love of your life. How do you do it, Tatchan?”
A humourless smile. “I’m just stubborn, I guess,” he says and Jin half sobs, half laughs. “Jin, this is as hard on you as it is on me not just because he was your friend too, but because of how it turned out. Don’t think I’ve never thought of how hard it must be on you, that just in defending yourself…” he trails off, unsure how to word the next.
“It’s okay. I’ve made peace with… killing him. It was you and Yucchi and me or him and I didn’t mean to, it was just…” he takes a breath. “Neither of us had a choice and it was just… bad timing. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t terrify me still. I still have nightmares, you know. I guess I know how it’s been for you all this time. I can’t imagine… I really can’t imagine coming out of what you’ve been through in one piece like you have.”
Tatsuya’s smile changes and it’s so heartbreaking Jin can’t look at his friend any longer. “No one comes out of that in one piece, Jin,” he says softly.
A lengthy silence ensues.
The following day, Tatsuya’s state has done nothing but for become perhaps more numb and he finds himself in a daze. When he sees the half-shut coffin, with only the top of Ryo’s body visible, he thanks whatever gods or spirits that might exist for not having to see his legs, but he isn’t afraid to approach his past lover’s corpse.
When his fingers gently brush Ryo’s carefully preserved cheek, he wonders at the softness and the powers of science.
When everyone gathers around before they cremate the young body, Tatsuya feels nothing but a little regret that their time together couldn’t have lasted longer.
When Jin can’t take it anymore and the silent tears escape his eyes, Tatsuya holds him close and stares, dry-eyed, at the proceedings.
When he and Jin set their secret present in Ryo’s coffin and when he and Ryo slip the lyrics and music they composed together in next to the small box, the single copy of the song that will vanish with everything else in the heat of the crematorium’s fire, Tatsuya wishes Ryo could have told them what he thought of it, though surely he was with them when they composed it.
“… And now, close friend and partner to the deceased, Ueda Tatsuya-san, would like to share a few words,” the priest steps to the side as Ueda approaches and bows respectfully to the family and friends.
“Everyone… thank you for coming today. Though some of you may not have understood Ryo’s sufferings the past few years, even in his altered state he cherished nothing more than another’s company,” And that I can say more truthfully than anyone. “I’m sure we all understand how Ryo, clumsy as he was expressing his thoughts and feelings and often ending up coming across as callous and cold, was probably one of the sweetest people at heart that I knew. And let’s never forget how though he seemed stubbornly forceful and pushy when it came to others’ business, he was always protecting them. I’m sure we all know how talented Ryo was, how often his guitar soothed the most stressed and hurting of our souls, how he worked so hard every day at work and in his studies so he could proudly boast how well things were going.
“When he got sick, the Ryo we all knew and understood was suppressed, but that didn’t stop glimpses from coming through. I’d like you to know that he was still an ungraceful communicator, he still needed people’s help, and he still worked single-mindedly to every goal, whatever it might have been,” And whoever it might have hurt. “In the end, it was this part of his nature that separated him from us, and in his last moments, from his sickness.
“Please, never blame Ryo for what he went through. And please, always remember his… healthier years, like I myself would like to. Please don’t let his years of hard work be overshadowed by a few years of something he himself couldn’t control. Please don’t forget who he was by remembering the sickness that overtook him, and he might live on in a brighter light in all our hearts,” And mine. “Again, I would like to thank you, in Ryo’s name, for the support and the care you’ve all given him that helped him to grow to the honest, hard-working man he was meant to be. And please let us all leave with a clear conscience and understanding of the pain that led to his early passing. I would also like to thank Kami-sama, or any entity which might be above us, for removing him of his suffering,” a single tear skitters down his parched cheek. “And thank you Ryo, from myself, and from Jin, and from everyone here or otherwise, for blessing us with your heart, your blunt words that allowed us to see through our troubles to the solution…” in a voice so quiet scarce anyone hears he adds, “And for your love.”
A pause.
“That will never be all I have to say, but I think that for now, it is enough,” he turns to the coffin and rests a now-trembling hand on his love’s forehead, brushes the hair from his eyes like Ryo always loved. The tears refuse to stop now, but his voice remains strong and steady. The real pain has yet to hit. “Ryo, please rest in peace. You’ve deserved it.” He turns back to everyone else and bows, walks back to Jin, who sets a hand on his shoulder. At the contact, Tatsuya shivers and the single spreading feeling is what allows the pain back into his chest, closing up his throat, blinding his sight and sapping his legs of strength. The pain is unbearable and suffocating and so intensely cold but Tatsuya accepts it, almost welcomes it after being so void of such a feeling.
Jin holds his shuddering friend close. “Tatchan… Tatchan, it’ll be alright. It’ll pass. It won’t hurt this bad forever. You’ll be fine soon. You’re not alone,” he murmurs, and as they close up the coffin and bring it away to the fires, Jin goes down on his knees when Tatsuya’s legs give out, never stopping his comforting mutterings for a second.
On to | Chapter 19 |