Snow Petals - Chapter Sixteen
[Multi-Chapter] Snow Petals
Pairings: MaruDa, RyoDa, Akame, TaNaka (past), KoTego, Jin/Ueda/Ryo friendship, Junno/Maru/Koki friendship, Jin/Kame/Koki/Pi friendship…
Rating: 14-A?
Warning: violence, abuse, swearing, stalking, alcohol abuse, some mentions of drugs (it was just a tranquilizer!), character death, some gore… who knows what else’ll come up.
Summary: There he was, running again, hoping again, escaping again… can he make it this time? If he can’t, he’ll really kill him this time. But what if the help of a compassionate stranger gives him and his friends the desperately needed strength to overcome him? What if all it takes is a helping hand and the help of a newcomer to heal the scars left from the fight?
(Bad summary but just read it and you’ll understand muaha)
Disclaimer: I don’t own these guys! Well, so far I own Shoji and Hideo and whichever other OC’s pop up but otherwise, nope! Well, Ryo’s like an OC… but that doesn’t matter.
| Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chap. 2 - 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 |
| Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapt. 10 |
| Chapt. 11 | Chapt. 12 | Chapt. 13 | Chapt. 14 | Chapt. 15 |
Chapter 16
Now, he knew the punch was going to hurt. He knew it would probably break his nose if he didn’t protect that part of his face, so he was prepared going in to make sure the punch was going to hit the top of his head and he made special care to brace himself for the hit.
Still, it hurt like a dry fuck.
Koki tries not to yell some profanity in the general direction he thinks the hit came from- his head is spinning so bad he’s not sure where’s where anymore- and shrugs off Tegoshi’s worried fluttering. When his head stops spinning, Koki goes fully inside the bathroom, nods - a really painful ache through his skull- at Tatsuya and turns to Yuichi. The man is staring blankly at him through the mirror, calm-seeming but Koki, knowing Yuichi as well as he does, sees through it to the hurt and the confusion. “Yucchi,” Koki begins softly, “before I explain this whole thing, I just want you to hear one thing. Well, two things, if you’ll hear them both. Or at least one, I don’t really care.”
“Koki, you’re rambling again,” Tegoshi says softly.
Koki takes a breath and nods a few times - more stabs through his skull- and says, “Yucchi, the first thing- the really important one so please listen- I really love him. I didn’t mean to fall in love, but I did.”
Yuichi continues staring at him and there isn’t so much as a flicker in those distant eyes.
“The second… I don’t really care if you listen or not- well, I care, but I’ll understand if you won’t hear it- but I have to say it. I’m sorry, Yucchi. I’m sorry I lied all this time… I’ve been doing it for you the whole time, but I’ve always been sorry. I just want you to be happy. I just want you to be happy. I want you to be happy,” he says the last to Tatsuya. “I do everything for you guys, but I’m sorry Yucchi: you’re my best friend ever and I loved you more than that but Tatchan, you’re like a brother to me and family comes first,” Koki exhales at the end, as if exhausted. “That’s all I’m going to say for now… I know you guys probably can’t face me right now. But just know that I really love Tesshi and that I’m sorry for breaking your trust. Goodnight,” he turns to leave.
“Koki…” the voice is hoarse, but there.
“Yucchi?”
“… I don’t hate you or anything, but… just give me some time?” At least until I’m ready to hear what you meant by ‘loved you more than that.’ Yuichi’s eyes are pleading and Koki nods, tries a smile.
“Okay.”
Yuichi stares back at the mirror and Junno’s words from earlier keep echoing in his head.
“You do know that everything Koki does is for you two, right? You do understand that?”
Of course I know that… but it’s still hard to handle it, sometimes. But yeah, I understand.
“Yuichi…?” a gentle hand on his shoulder.
Yuichi turns and hugs Tatsuya tightly for a moment before letting go and looking Tatsuya in the face. “I really loved him. But not just like that. I still love him: he’s still my best friend. But I realized I don’t hurt the way I should if I still loved him… as more than a friend. Maybe that’s what’s most surprising right now,” he smiles but it’s dry and a little too crooked-like its broken. “I don’t love him like that anymore… the one I love is-” a hand covers his lips, stopping the words that were meant to follow.
“Please... don’t say any more,” Tatsuya says softly, head down. “I can’t hear it… not yet.”
Yuichi nods and he reaches up and moves the hand to his cheek and leans his face against it. “I’ll wait, if I have to. I’ll wait for as long as you need me to,” he tilts his head and kisses Tatsuya’s hair and holds him close again.
Tatsuya simply stands and leans his head against Yuichi’s shoulder, trying to enjoy the warmth and the feeling of utter safety within the elder’s arms. But there’s still that nagging icicle of guilt that refuses to thaw, that drips icy droplets at times upon Tatsuya’s heart to remind him of what he’s doing. He buries his head deeper into the crook of Yuichi’s next and exhales a shaky breath.
“T-Tatsuya?” Yuichi feels a shiver run down his back as the other’s hot breath tickles his neck and his heart beats a little faster, but he knows Tatsuya’s behaviour bodes anything but good.
Tatsuya mumbles against shoulder and Yuichi tries not to move as a current of heat shivers down his neck and shoulders. Not now… he’s upset, he’s not- “Tatsuya… maybe we should… get going,” he says, interrupting his own thoughts. “I want to go home but I don’t want to just disappear without saying goodnight to the others.”
Tatsuya nods and steps back, feeling colder already. Yuichi watches his worriedly for a moment, before putting an arm around his shoulders when he decides he can’t take the younger’s broken, lonely posture anymore. They head for the room and find everyone else partying, probably helped along by the many beers that Yuichi notices on the table. Tegoshi is up singing and is maybe the first to see the pair and he gives them an apologetic nod but keeps singing. Jin glances over from where he was glaring at Tegoshi, sees Yuichi’s arm around Tatsuya’s shoulders and immediately brightens up.
“Yucchi! Tatchan! You guys should sing, too!” he calls over Tegoshi.
Yuichi shakes his head. He tries not to look at Koki, which is difficult when his friend is sitting next to Junno, who he does want to talk to. “We’re going home, sorry,” he replies.
Junno looks from Koki to Yuichi with concern, but Koki shakes his head and waves it off as if to say, “Don’t worry about it.” Junno sighs and waves goodnight.
Kame decides he might as well focus on being happy that Yuichi and Tatsuya are evidently making progress, and that though his friendship with Yuichi will be awkward for a while, Koki won’t be hurting anymore either. Or at least not like he was. And not to mention he’ll be hurting something a little extra by way of the swelling lump on his head, but Kame decides he should be happy that will pass soon too. He looks to Yuichi. “Call me when your shift starts, I’ll go visit you.”
Yuichi nods. “Bye.”
They leave. When the door closes, Jin says, “I know they’ve been getting closer lately but… when did that happen?”
Kame looks at him with a frown. “What do you mean?”
Jin rolls his eyes. “Well, besides the whole arm-slung-around-the-shoulder thing, when I went to check on Yucchi in the bathroom, Tatchan was up real close, talking softly and he had his hand on Yucchi’s cheek. Even last night they wouldn’t have gotten that close to each other without blushing and looking away,” he says.
“Aren’t you supposed to be the baka among us?” Pi asks with a wry grin.
Jin smiles. “I’m supposed to be. It’s more fun ignoring these things but no one seemed to be willing to bring it up,” he shrugs.
Koki, who was staring blankly at Jin, turns away and blinks a few times, trying to understand. Just how close are they?
Tegoshi sits down next to him, having long ago finished his song, and wraps an arm around his shoulders. “Maybe you’re both in the same situation as each other after all,” he says softly. “Don’t worry, he looks smart. He’ll come around soon enough. So, till then, let’s sing!” he picks up a beer and points at Jin. “So, you! ‘Baka’ over there! Pick your song!”
“Yuichi… I know what he did was… upsetting, and I know it’s hard right now but shouldn’t you let Koki explain himself?”
Yuichi takes off his jacket, sets his shoes straight against the wall and puts on his slippers. “I… guess I should. And it isn’t like I don’t understand where he’s coming from but… why would he have to hide it from me, all these years? I know he must have thought it would be easier on me but I would’ve gotten over it eventually! I got over his dating all those girls, didn’t I? Or… at least, I didn’t let him know how much it bothered me. And I was always happy for him when it seemed like he really liked the girl he was dating and-”
Tatsuya interrupts him with a hug. “Yuichi… it’s okay. At least you know it’s not that he didn’t trust you, right?”
Yuichi nods. “It’s just… a shock, I guess. But…” How do I explain the feeling that there’s more to it now than that? And what did he mean when he said he loved me “more than that?” I don’t understand anymore. Or maybe I’m just afraid of the obvious.
“But?” Tatsuya prods.
“No… never mind.”
“Yuichi…”
The older man smiles at him gently and pats his head. “Don’t worry about it. I just need to figure out how to ask everything I want to next time I see him. And I want to make sure Junno knows everything’s okay too.”
Tatsuya nods. “Well… it’s late now, and you’re starting to look pale. Should we go to bed?”
Yuichi nods. “I’ll go get my pillow…” he goes to the bedroom but when he tries to leave with the extra blanket, Tatsuya stops him with a hand on his elbow. “What…?”
Tatsuya doesn’t look him in the eye, but he doesn’t let go, either. “It’s… okay… if you stay here tonight,” the whisper is almost indistinguishable, but Yuichi catches it.
After a brief hesitation, Yuichi nods. “Are you sure?”
A pause, then: “I’m sure.”
Yuichi drops his things and hugs Tatsuya close. “I know you’re still… confused, and I guess I am too, but don’t ever forget that if you need anything, I’ll listen. Okay?”
Tatsuya looks up at him and smiles. The smile is so pure and so trusting Yuichi has to consciously remind himself to breathe. The mental order is intensified when, after a glimmer of uncertainty flickers through Tatsuya’s eyes, the shorter man tilts his face and kisses Yuichi softly. “Thank you,” he murmurs against Yuichi’s lips and backs away.
But Tatsuya barely makes it another step before Yuichi tugs him back in and kisses him back- only this one is more heated and almost hungry. Yuichi pulls Tatsuya close with an arm around his waist and the other hand tilts Tatsuya’s face up for a deeper kiss. Yuichi slips his tongue between Tatsuya’s lips when the younger sighs softly and the two only part once air is a necessity. “Tatsuya,” Yuichi begins, staring into the younger’s eyes, “I-”
Tatsuya, guessing what the other is trying to say, stops him with another kiss. “Please, not yet,” he whispers. He tries not to see the flicker of hurt in Yuichi’s eyes when he says it, but the understanding is there. I’m just not ready to hear those words again. Not yet…
When Tatsuya awakes next, it’s to feel two strong arms around his waist and the warmth of another at his back. For a brief flicker of time he imagines it’s Ryo again, and any minute now the other will murmur something in that low, husky voice of his like, “Well, I guess I’m making breakfast again. How do pancakes sound?” or “Hime, I love how soft your hair feels, but waking up with it in my nose is…” or, best of all, “Hime… I love you.”
He shakes his head and glances at the clock. 5: 30 am. Not horrible…
Movement, from the other person, and Tatsuya drags himself from memory long enough to realize there isn’t a pair of guitars in the corner, there aren’t lyrics and sheet music strewn over the floor and there isn’t even a keyboard swimming under scribbled notes and poems in the corner. It’s lonely, realizing all of that, but the ache isn’t as sharp as it used to be. It’s more like a dull ache- maybe that old stiffness in your ankle after you’ve broken it and it’s just done healing.
Only… Tatsuya’s pretty sure he isn’t completely healed yet.
Yuichi mumbles something in his sleep and shifts- Tatsuya can feel him snuggle against his back and smiles, despite himself. Even their warmth is different… he wonders. Yuichi has always been like that warm cabin after you’ve been lost in the snow. Ryo was always like a fire. Whether it was a candle’s light when the power’s out or a bonfire in winter, he always had a way of making me lose myself and forget the world. He smiles sadly and a tear wets his pillow. I guess I’ll never feel what that’s like again… I don’t think I could ever lose myself like that with Yuichi… he turns over carefully, so as not to wake the older man. He laughs a little, despite himself, when he sees Yuichi’s hair sticking up and Yuichi mumbles something incoherent in his sleep again.
Tatsuya sighs softly and snuggles closer, burying his head in Yuichi’s chest. He listens to the older man’s heartbeat for a while, enjoying the strong, steady sound. I wonder if mine sounds like that? He muses. Mine’s probably weaker and faster, with little fluttering now and then, like it’s going to splutter out any second. At least… that’s how the rest of me feels. His eyes travel to Yuichi’s closed ones and he reaches up and runs his fingers gently over Yuichi’s cheek and jaw. How long, I wonder, would it take him to realize I was gone if one of these days I really did just… flicker out?
“Tatsuya… I love you…” the murmur is mostly mumbled, mostly less than a whisper but Tatsuya hears it.
“Hime… I love you.”
“Don’t… leave… come back…”
“Don’t run away again…”
Tatsuya struggles to free himself, to get away from the echoes in his mind. His sight glazes over and he fights against Yuichi’s grip until he’s off the bed and the cold air of the apartment rushes at his sleep-warm skin. He takes a step back, and another, falls and hugs himself tightly, as if to squeeze the pain from his heart.
“Don’t leave me again… Tatsuya, I love you! Don’t run away… Tatsuya! Come back! You can’t run away… you can’t leave me… damnit, don’t do this to me again!”
He chokes back a sob. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry but I can’t… Ryo, I’m sorry, I can’t…” love you anymore.
“Tatsuya? What are you doing over there?”
“Tatsuya? What are you doing there?”
“Tatsuya? Are you alright?”
“Hime, are you okay?”
Tatsuya covers his ears and shakes his head. No… no, what are you doing here?! Why can’t I forget you? Why won’t you leave me? Ryo… it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair! Just leave me… please… please, Ryo, leave me- let me live…
“Tatsuya? Tatsuya! Answer me!”
“G-get away!”
Yuichi’s hand stops in mid-air, drops back to his side. A flare of pain overwhelms his chest as the crying man on the floor seems to shrink in on himself even more as he grips his knees tighter and backs farther against the wall. Yuichi can’t see his face, only a mess of copper while those beautiful, slim fingers claw at his head in an attempt to shut everything out, protect himself from something Yuichi can’t see. Yuichi kneels in front of Tatsuya, who feels his presence, his warmth, and though he’d like to go nearer, those echoes won’t leave him alone and he shrinks even farther back into the corner instead.
“Tatsuya…”
The younger looks up with wide, red eyes and Yuichi can only imagine an animal- caught in a hunter’s trap or cornered by some predator… he can only imagine a creature fighting for its life when he sees the utter fear in Tatsuya’s eyes. He gasps and the younger flinches at the small sound and bites his lip, looks away. “I’m sorry… I woke you…” Tatsuya whispers and his voice wavers and breaks. I hate myself for being so weak… why is it that all I can do is worry people? And I was doing so well hiding it, before… He goes to get up and run out of the room but Yuichi catches him and pulls him close. Tatsuya struggles blindly for a few seconds but, feeling it’s no use, hangs limp in the other’s embrace.
“Maybe… it’s best if you stay somewhere else for a few nights,” Yuichi whispers. He feels the man stiffen and start to tremble and he squeezes his eyes shut and forces himself to go on. “I think… we’ve hit a point… where you need to be somewhere else for a little while,” he stops when he feels his voice about to shake.
But… what will I do without you? Tatsuya looks up at Yuichi and he’s crying again. Why do I have to go away? Why can’t I ever stay? Why-
“Tatsuya,” Yuichi’s voice is pleading as he reaches up to gently wipe away Tatsuya’s tears, “please don’t make me feel any worse than I already do. Please, I just want you to get better and… it looks like that isn’t going to happen unless we’re apart for a little while… please, Tatsuya, don’t look at me like that!” He chokes and looks away and Tatsuya can see his eyes shining with held-back tears. “Please don’t make me feel like I’m abandoning you…” he whispers.
Tatsuya looks down and holds Yuichi tightly, desperately. It’s all my fault he’s hurting again…
“I’ll… call Junno, later, and ask if you can stay with him,” Yuichi says after a silence Tatsuya was afraid would never break.
Tatsuya nods, his eyes dim and the ache in his chest turns to something like numbness as he pushes away and murmurs, “I’ll… go get dressed.”
Yuichi’s eyes clench shut as if Tatsuya had slapped him. The deadness in the younger’s voice terrifies him, but he knows- or at least he thinks he knows- that this is what’s best. “Please… don’t make me feel like a monster… don’t make me feel like breaking you all over again,” his hands clench into fists and he doubles over on the floor, his head on his fists. “Don’t make me feel like I’m doing something he would…” he whispers, and a tear escapes to the floor.
On to | Chapter 17 |