The Civilian Mentality
We're here today to discuss what it means to be a civilian.
A quick quiz for you.
You are out one evening, buying a pizza. As you are walking back home, pizza in hand, you hear screams, and look up to see a car - on fire - hurtling through the air towards you.
What do you do?
a) scream
b) duck
c) stand there in utter shock
d) try not to drop the pizza
If you just answered a, c, or d, you might just be a civilian.
It’s one of the standard conventions of genre television. You have the heroes, the villains, the minions (on both sides), the victims, and the civilians. Otherwise known as cannon-fodder.
Heroes and villains are (strangely enough) the main characters. On either sides of the debacle. They are all fairly competent, they all understand the situation pretty well, and they all like to stand around and make inspiring speeches.
Minions? They’re the support staff. They’re basically junior heroes or villains. And they share a lot of the same characteristics - they’re just not the main characters. So we don’t really care about them that much.
On the other hand, we do care about the victims - that’s what they’re there for. The sole job of a victim is to be maimed, killed, captured, tortured, or otherwise put through the wringer, so that we the audience will understand how serious the situation is.
And then there are the civilians.
Now, I’m not saying that civilians can’t be victims too. They can. They can also be minions - or even main characters. But they still maintain their essential civilian-ness. And that is what makes them so special.
You’re at a party. There’s lots of music, nibbles, and various beverages. It’s pretty fun. Suddenly, a horde of zombies comes crashing through the windows.
What do you do?
a) run for your life
b) say “cool!” and get the camera
c) frantically try to remember what people did in that zombie movie you saw last year
d) grab the nearest heavy metal thing, and start hitting them
Civilians can’t make quick decisions. They have the wrong priorities. They tend to panic easily. And they mess up everything they get involved in.
Um… Priorities? Anyone?
If bank robbers have taken everyone hostage, the civilian will be worried about being late for an appointment.
When everyone’s being mind-controlled by a big monster under the building, the civilian will be right there, grounding her daughter for not doing her homework in the library like she was supposed to.
Or if the entire Olympic stadium has been sucked into a drawing, the civilian will be yelling at you for damaging council property.
The heroes could be worried about a psychotic invisible girl trying to kill you - but if you’re a civilian, you’ll probably be much more concerned about your friends finding out that you used a broom closet to change your clothes.
Their priorities really suck.
The hospital you work at has just teleported itself onto the moon.
What do you do?
a) worry about how you’re going to get to Florida for your holidays this year
b) faint
c) find someone sensible, and start discussing options
d) repeat “this can’t be happening!” over and over
Run For Your Lives!
If they should happen to realise the importance of the situation, they’ll simultaneously figure out just how little they can do about it, and how very slim their chances of survival are. This tends to lead to lots of running around and screaming chaotically. Or just sitting in a corner crying - take your pick, really.
But they certainly won’t be much use to everyone else.
You know that someone is planning to kill a large proportion of the school some time in the next ten minutes.
What do you do?
a) try to find them, and stop them
b) wonder how on earth you will manage to find them in time
c) get out of the school quickly, before the massacre happens
d) get distracted by yummy cafeteria food
A Split Second’s Indecision
The problem is, even if a civilian is halfway competent when dealing with the situation, they won’t deal with it. Not immediately. Instead, they’ll hesitate. And try to figure out what to do. And hesitate some more.
The villains will run into the room, kill a few people, grab the diamonds and the ancient scrolls, and leave… and the civilian will still be standing there in shock.
No matter how brave, clever, or strong they are, there will be a window of about five seconds when the civilians just stare, and try to understand what’s going on. Whereas everyone else just grabs their weapons and goes for it.
A guy comes into the club you’re in, and starts firing a gun - seemingly at random. You leave, quickly. As you get outside, a stranger grabs you, and tells you that the gun-toting guy is actually a robot. A robot who is trying to kill you, specifically. And you need to run, or you’ll die. But don’t worry - the stranger will protect you.
What do you do?
a) go to the police for protection instead - after all, this guy looks kinda crazy
b) worry about your friend, who’s still inside
c) collapse in tears, because it’s all too much
d) fall madly in love with the stranger, and crush the robot in a big machine, thus beginning a movie franchise
In Sheep’s Clothing
Like I said, civilians aren’t always just civilians. Some of them are in disguise.
Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, for instance.
The man was a Watcher. He’d pretty much grown up being trained as a non-civilian. And he certainly wouldn’t have considered himself to be one.
But he definitely had the creds:
- he promised to give his kidnapper a very powerful amulet, because he was really scared
- he froze in the face of danger
- he interrupted important strategic discussions to complain about people not respecting him
Overall? He kinda sucked. All because he was a civilian to the core - he just didn’t know it.
Civilians in disguise are much more dangerous than the standard variety. Largely because people tend to put them in charge of things.
Consider, for example, the crew of Galaxy Quest. These people almost managed to destroy an entire ship full of aliens, with very little effort. Why? Not because they weren’t really space-adventurers. After all, the actual space-adventurers had been trying to solve the problem for ages, and hadn’t gotten anywhere.
But they complained about the food, freaked out and ran when they found out what the bad guys might do, and… well, it wasn’t that they did the wrong thing so much as doing nothing. And every time they hesitated, things got a little bit worse.
Invisible people are having a fight in an arcade.
What do you do?
a) decide that the place is haunted, and leave immediately
b) finish playing the video game, and then leave
c) find the invisibility-causing device, and reverse the process
d) complain that they’re disturbing the other patrons
Growing Up
The thing is, most people do start out as civilians. It’s a natural state of being. But once you realise that you’re in a genre show, making the transition to a non-civilian lifestyle is pretty much the only option available.
Sometimes, we are introduced to characters who have already left the civilian state. But sometimes we are lucky enough to see them change.
We get to see Donna Noble complain about a taxi driver missing an exit - and five minutes later, we get to see her hear that the reception is under attack and instantly start dealing with it (and dealing with it sensibly).
We get to see Larry Blaisdell go from worrying about his reputation, to using a flamethrower.
We get to see John Crichton learn that, when you see someone new, you shouldn’t grin and say “hi!” - you should grab your gun and keep your eyes on them.
We get to see Mickey Smith hack into a government missile-launching program, instead of gibbering at the sight of an alien.
We get to see the once-laughable Wesley Wyndham-Pryce shoot a man through the head without blinking an eye.
Sometimes, we get to see it in reverse. It’s really quite fun to see the Scooby Gang panic the moment they encounter pointy-teethed people, and happily plan an escape route through the sewers. And it makes us realise just how much their experience usually keeps them alive.
Becoming a non-civilian is an important process. It makes you a much more interesting person, and keeps you alive. But civilians? They’re important too. After all - if they weren’t around, who would our heroes be trying to save?