Aussie History
You all knew I'd end up doing this one, right?
Describe your country's history - not as it really was, but as the average person in your country remembers it. What are the major events that everybody knows about? What's taught in schools? What do your politicians and media talk about when they want to boast about how great your country is? Or are there embarrassing episodes in your nation's past that everybody knows about but nobody likes to mention?
We're not looking for a balanced, measured or accurate view here. Broad generalisations and sweeping stereotypes are welcome.
(See also: the British version, the American version, and the Swedish version.)
A History of Australia (summarised)
• A big rainbow-coloured snake roams around the country, making rivers.
• The snake leaves, and all the kangaroos etc sigh with relief and come out of hiding. They hop around happily for several centuries - occasionally getting killed by Aborigines.
• Captain Cook sails to the southern hemisphere, hoping there’s something there. He’s right! He’s incredibly amazed by how wonderful all the plants are - even in the middle of winter… not realising that it’s actually summer down here.
• Captain Cook reports back to Britain, who say “Hurrah! Free prison!” and promptly pack off all the people they don’t like, hoping they’ll drown on the way over.
• Then there are soldiers, and convicts. Eventually, they start forgetting which is which and all stand around saying “G-day mate!” and drinking beer.
• Gold is discovered. Suddenly, everyone and his dog is immigrating our way, so they can get in on the action.
• We have our one and only civil war! It takes place on a single hill, and lasts about a day - but manages to get its own flag, and has a basic constitution written up before they’re all killed by soldiers. Are proclaimed heroes and get their own tourist attraction.
• Someone steals a sheep, is arrested, and drowns himself to avoid jail. Is proclaimed a hero and forever immortalised in song.
• Ned Kelly sticks a bucket on his head and rides around the country robbing people. Is proclaimed a hero and forever immortalised in much random artwork.
• We become an official country. No-one actually cares.
• World War 1 happens - and lots of Aussies enlist. We end up getting horribly slaughtered at Gallipoli, owing to the incompetent British generals giving us stupid orders. We proclaim it the most important part of the war. (We might have won a few battles, too - but we don’t care about those ones.)
• We start winning lots of swimming medals. We keep winning swimming medals. And also cricket matches.
• Our Prime Minister goes swimming, and drowns. We celebrate this by naming swimming pools after him.
• Another Prime Minister gets into an argument with the Governor General. The two of them have a race to see who can sack the other one first.
• Lindy Chamberlain’s baby gets stolen by a dingo. Thus spawning a movie with fake Aussie accents.
• We get yet another Prime Minister, who has the Guinness World Record for beer drinking.
• And then another one who is mostly famous for swearing at people.
…and then comes current affairs.
Describe your country's history - not as it really was, but as the average person in your country remembers it. What are the major events that everybody knows about? What's taught in schools? What do your politicians and media talk about when they want to boast about how great your country is? Or are there embarrassing episodes in your nation's past that everybody knows about but nobody likes to mention?
We're not looking for a balanced, measured or accurate view here. Broad generalisations and sweeping stereotypes are welcome.
(See also: the British version, the American version, and the Swedish version.)
A History of Australia (summarised)
• A big rainbow-coloured snake roams around the country, making rivers.
• The snake leaves, and all the kangaroos etc sigh with relief and come out of hiding. They hop around happily for several centuries - occasionally getting killed by Aborigines.
• Captain Cook sails to the southern hemisphere, hoping there’s something there. He’s right! He’s incredibly amazed by how wonderful all the plants are - even in the middle of winter… not realising that it’s actually summer down here.
• Captain Cook reports back to Britain, who say “Hurrah! Free prison!” and promptly pack off all the people they don’t like, hoping they’ll drown on the way over.
• Then there are soldiers, and convicts. Eventually, they start forgetting which is which and all stand around saying “G-day mate!” and drinking beer.
• Gold is discovered. Suddenly, everyone and his dog is immigrating our way, so they can get in on the action.
• We have our one and only civil war! It takes place on a single hill, and lasts about a day - but manages to get its own flag, and has a basic constitution written up before they’re all killed by soldiers. Are proclaimed heroes and get their own tourist attraction.
• Someone steals a sheep, is arrested, and drowns himself to avoid jail. Is proclaimed a hero and forever immortalised in song.
• Ned Kelly sticks a bucket on his head and rides around the country robbing people. Is proclaimed a hero and forever immortalised in much random artwork.
• We become an official country. No-one actually cares.
• World War 1 happens - and lots of Aussies enlist. We end up getting horribly slaughtered at Gallipoli, owing to the incompetent British generals giving us stupid orders. We proclaim it the most important part of the war. (We might have won a few battles, too - but we don’t care about those ones.)
• We start winning lots of swimming medals. We keep winning swimming medals. And also cricket matches.
• Our Prime Minister goes swimming, and drowns. We celebrate this by naming swimming pools after him.
• Another Prime Minister gets into an argument with the Governor General. The two of them have a race to see who can sack the other one first.
• Lindy Chamberlain’s baby gets stolen by a dingo. Thus spawning a movie with fake Aussie accents.
• We get yet another Prime Minister, who has the Guinness World Record for beer drinking.
• And then another one who is mostly famous for swearing at people.
…and then comes current affairs.