For Spike: A List
Here's a fic (err... sort of), written for the latest round at joss_las.
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For Spike: A List of Acceptable Topics for Light Dinner Party Conversation
1) The weather.
2) The rise in interest rates.
3) How nice the food is; what a brilliant cook your girlfriend’s sister is.
4) How nice the table’s flower arrangement is; what exquisite taste your girlfriend’s sister has.
5) Boston sightseeing - or “what I did today” (the fake version).
Corollary: Unacceptable Topics that Definitely Do Not Count as Light Dinner Party Conversation
1) How to beat people up - or “what I did today” (the real version).
2) Your girlfriend’s sister’s ex-boyfriends.
3) Your girlfriend’s sister’s first kiss.
4) Beer is better than wine; why is there no beer?
5) Beer drinking through the ages.
6) Cigarette smoking through the ages.
7) Extensive use of nicknames.*
* “Niblet” is fine; “Small-fry”, “Mini-Me”, and “Tater-tot” are not.
8) Why Boston was much better before the Depression.
9) Why Jon Stewart is a ponce who deserves to be eaten.
10) Black nailpolish; why it’s better than all other colors.
11) College is pointless; too much education makes people dull and pompous (I met him at college, you moron).
12) College dorms and what goes on there.
13) How to break into sororities and give all the girls a good scare.
14) Scaring people, in general.
15) Horror movies; why horror movies suck.
16) Soap Operas.
17) Poetry.
18) Why British spelling is the best.
19) Queen Elizabeth; how lunchable Queen Elizabeth looked when she was in her twenties.
20) Your girlfriend’s sister’s apartment and how clean it is; your girlfriend’s sister’s apartment and how messy it usually is.
21) What your girlfriend’s sister’s apartment looked like covered in used tissues and tubs of melted icecream after she spent three days bawling and watching chick flicks.
22) What you will do to the guy you’re talking to if he breaks your girlfriend’s sister’s heart like the last guy did.
23) The exact meaning of “scaphism”, and how it works.
24) Weird words you’ve memorised.
25) How long your girlfriend’s sister has been studying Ancient Sumerian.
26) Why your girlfriend’s sister is studying Ancient Sumerian. (I’m trying to ease him into the whole fighting-the-forces-of-darkness thing.)
27) That you can still kick your girlfriend’s sister’s ass at Scrabble.
28) Scrabble, and why the rules are unfair.
29) Monopoly.
30) Charades.
31) Poker.
32) Any and all topics which involve betting and/or money.*
* Or betting and anything else.
33) And, for that matter, any and all topics which involve you winning at anything.
34) Yes, that includes being a better boyfriend than your girlfriend’s broody ex-boyfriend was.
35) Any and all topics which involve violence.
36) Or sex.
37) Or fashion tips.
38) Or sex tips.
39) Or anything else which seems to be making your girlfriend’s sister’s newest boyfriend blush.
I AM HAVING HIM OVER AGAIN IN TWO WEEKS. PLEASE DO NOT SCREW THIS UP FOR ME.
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______________________________________
For Spike: A List of Acceptable Topics for Light Dinner Party Conversation
1) The weather.
2) The rise in interest rates.
3) How nice the food is; what a brilliant cook your girlfriend’s sister is.
4) How nice the table’s flower arrangement is; what exquisite taste your girlfriend’s sister has.
5) Boston sightseeing - or “what I did today” (the fake version).
Corollary: Unacceptable Topics that Definitely Do Not Count as Light Dinner Party Conversation
1) How to beat people up - or “what I did today” (the real version).
2) Your girlfriend’s sister’s ex-boyfriends.
3) Your girlfriend’s sister’s first kiss.
4) Beer is better than wine; why is there no beer?
5) Beer drinking through the ages.
6) Cigarette smoking through the ages.
7) Extensive use of nicknames.*
* “Niblet” is fine; “Small-fry”, “Mini-Me”, and “Tater-tot” are not.
8) Why Boston was much better before the Depression.
9) Why Jon Stewart is a ponce who deserves to be eaten.
10) Black nailpolish; why it’s better than all other colors.
11) College is pointless; too much education makes people dull and pompous (I met him at college, you moron).
12) College dorms and what goes on there.
13) How to break into sororities and give all the girls a good scare.
14) Scaring people, in general.
15) Horror movies; why horror movies suck.
16) Soap Operas.
17) Poetry.
18) Why British spelling is the best.
19) Queen Elizabeth; how lunchable Queen Elizabeth looked when she was in her twenties.
20) Your girlfriend’s sister’s apartment and how clean it is; your girlfriend’s sister’s apartment and how messy it usually is.
21) What your girlfriend’s sister’s apartment looked like covered in used tissues and tubs of melted icecream after she spent three days bawling and watching chick flicks.
22) What you will do to the guy you’re talking to if he breaks your girlfriend’s sister’s heart like the last guy did.
23) The exact meaning of “scaphism”, and how it works.
24) Weird words you’ve memorised.
25) How long your girlfriend’s sister has been studying Ancient Sumerian.
26) Why your girlfriend’s sister is studying Ancient Sumerian. (I’m trying to ease him into the whole fighting-the-forces-of-darkness thing.)
27) That you can still kick your girlfriend’s sister’s ass at Scrabble.
28) Scrabble, and why the rules are unfair.
29) Monopoly.
30) Charades.
31) Poker.
32) Any and all topics which involve betting and/or money.*
* Or betting and anything else.
33) And, for that matter, any and all topics which involve you winning at anything.
34) Yes, that includes being a better boyfriend than your girlfriend’s broody ex-boyfriend was.
35) Any and all topics which involve violence.
36) Or sex.
37) Or fashion tips.
38) Or sex tips.
39) Or anything else which seems to be making your girlfriend’s sister’s newest boyfriend blush.
I AM HAVING HIM OVER AGAIN IN TWO WEEKS. PLEASE DO NOT SCREW THIS UP FOR ME.
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